The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling Page #7

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this internal clock...

- Yeah.

- ...that tells you

it's time to get off

the stage.

Not even necessar--

( laughs )

I can take a hint,

my friend.

( laughing )

Oh, please come back.

So, that you then go...

- I do.

- ...you know, and is it because

it is so hard that you

just exhaust yourself

and you can

only do so much?

Or is it because

it just gets boring

because it's repetitious

for you?

The show is really

difficult to do,

and tired and fed up

happened on occasion.

But, you know,

I'm in the middle of a lawsuit

and there are stories being used

to proliferate certain

aspects of that lawsuit,

which I, you know,

don't necessarily

want to get into,

'cause it's a difficult

circumstance

that I can't discuss much.

I mean...

You sued your manager

for $100 million.

Yeah, yeah.

Well...

Saying he was paying

too much attention

to building his own business

and not looking after you.

And, for standing up for

doing what I think is right,

there's a price to pay

and there's a game

to be played,

and there's a lot

of spinning being done

that is common

in America now.

I think it's an incredibly

unfortunate circumstance

that the world which I thought

was going to be more loving

and all those things that

we believed in in the '60s

it seems to be the opposite.

And people all have an agenda,

and they say,

"Well, why not me?"

I don't really know

what to do about it

except to be as honest

as I can be.

- And I...

- Your argument is

that if you stand up for what

you think are your rights

and pursue something

that you think is fair for you,

that part of the battle

and part of the, you know,

weaponry is to suggest that...

that the person who is

the litigant is a little crazy.

I, um...

I don't have a seat belt.

Jerry Seinfeld:

There's no excuse for that.

( seat belt clicks )

Shandling:

I want to do something

about the difference

between a man therapist

and a woman therapist,

but I haven't really

worked it out yet.

It's like, the trouble I have

now with a woman therapist,

if she says,

"So, how did your day go?"

I go, "Come on,

get off my back."

Seinfeld:

That's funny.

( indistinct chatter )

- Hi.

- Man:
Yeah.

Seinfeld:

Just the one show,

you know?

I would love to be blue.

That's your notes?

It says, "new sh*t."

( all laugh )

Seinfeld:

You know what I think about,

is the number of blank pages

that you brought along.

I know. I'm trying

to intimidate everybody else

into thinking I have

tons of material.

Garry, this is really

kind of silly, isn't it?

You can do better than this.

Why do you do it like this?

- I cannot...

- ( all laugh )

Seinfeld:

Why do you need

all these papers?

You know, they make small

legal pads, 5 inch by 8 inch.

Look at me.

I did.

( laughs )

Why are you trying to change

Uncle Garry's ways?

- No, I think it's...

- Seinfeld:
Does that help you?

Shandling:

I think it's eccentric

to the way I think,

and so I'm constantly

writing things down.

And by the time I come to

the club now, I grab everything,

because, actually,

what I do,

is I was figuring it out

20 minutes before I went on,

then I take all this and

put it on one piece of paper

or two pieces

that I take up.

- Seinfeld:
Right.

- Shandling:
And, I still,

you know, I'm inventing

and writing on-stage.

And it is a little like

an actor doing a scene

and not knowing yet

what the emotional beats are,

and finding it

and letting it happen,

instead of planning it

ahead of time.

- Seinfeld:
Right.

- That's just the way I work.

Seinfeld:

But how come comedians

are bad actors, then?

Shandling:

I don't think

they are bad actors.

Seinfeld:

Most them are, Garry.

The ones that are not

are exceptional.

It's just the same reason that

you were great in your show.

I wasn't great.

I was serviceable.

You were great.

No, I think a lot

of comedians...

You became a good actor,

and you did it

by learning to act.

It really didn't have...

I don't think it had a lot

to do with your comedy.

Yeah, it did. It's all

about being in the moment,

and trusting,

and having the courage

to discover what

the next moment is,

and that's when

you have those moments

where you deliver

something unexpectedly

that kills an audience.

Right.

( applause )

Chris Rock:
My God.

You people are really going

to be disappointed.

( audience laughs )

Rock:

I've got nothing...

remotely funny to say.

Marriage is hard, man.

This is how hard marriage is.

Nelson Mandela

got a divorce.

That's hilarious.

Nelson Mandela got a divorce.

Rock:

Let me explain

what this means to you.

If Nelson Mandela

can't make it work...

Rock:

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years

in a South African prison...

- Right.

- ...being beaten and tortured.

He can take that.

Rock:

He did that with no problem.

He's hilarious.

Emcee:

Garry Shandling.

( cheers and applause )

Shandling:

Well, I'm not-- Hey.

This is what I'm like.

I have nothing really prepared,

and I'm not a professional

like the other fellows.

And I have a lot to tell you,

but I don't feel safe.

I think you're only interested

in the funny parts.

You're like my shrink who said,

"Garry, honestly,

go home and work on this and put

some f***in' jokes in there."

( both laugh )

I talk to her for 50 minutes,

and I know

if she'd give me another

10 minutes I could f*** her,

because I've built up the

intimacy with the small talk.

Garry Shandling,

in 20 years,

is going to look

just like Jackie Mason.

- Right.

- A little taller.

( both laugh )

I haven't told my dog

he's adopted yet,

because I'm afraid

he'll run away

to look for his

real parents.

I want to adopt a child

who looks like me.

- Woman:
Oh, God.

- I know.

"Oh, God."

Well, I don't mean

right away, ma'am.

I had post-partum

depression...

when I was born.

Isn't it usually the mother

who has it?

Oh, man.

I looked up...

I still remember this, serious,

and I said,

"Oh, no, they're Jews."

( laughing )

( audience cheering )

This is the greatest f***in'

night in comedy

that there's ever been.

Seinfeld:

It's over.

Shandling:

Good morning.

Goldie Hawn:

What are you doing here?

I need my sport coat.

You have to call me

an hour ahead of time!

Now I need to go through lawyers

to get my sport coats.

Hawn:

Yeah.

Brian Linehan:

You say that "acting

is hard for me,

because I'm still learning

to feel instead of verbalize."

- That's right.

- Where are you now?

Well, you know, I think

I'm getting better at it.

I find myself having to cover

less with my comedy

than I used to.

And I'm able to sort of...

you know, and that's why

it's a challenge for me,

and that's why I wanted to act,

because I think I can grow

as a person through it.

Maybe not.

Well, let's hope I can.

You make me uncomfortable.

I don't know why.

Why do you think?

I don't know.

I have a couple of ideas.

Duchovny:

I think he wanted to be,

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