The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling Page #8

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you know, a great actor.

I think he thought of that

as somehow better, you know,

or more artistic, or...

he valued it in a way

that was greater

than what his

natural gift was for.

I'm talking to him about you

being the quarterback coach.

He brings up offensive

coordinator.

Really? What's the bad news?

The bad news is

you might be successful.

I know how hard that is

for you to handle.

But, as your friend,

I will see you through it.

Duchovny:

For me, he could not

fake anything.

Wayne Federman:

Garry Shandling, Ta Leoni,

this is Agents Mulder

and Scully.

- Mulder:
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Ta Leone:
It's a pleasure.

- Big fan.

Duchovny:

Like when he did a part

on the "X-Files" that I wrote

and I directed him in.

And we were shooting the scene,

and I was talking to him

about it.

Seriously, listen,

can I ask you something?

Sure.

Duchovny:

And he said, "I just--

"I'm not--

I'm not Bruce Willis," he said.

And I was just thinking,

"Well, just f***in' fake it."

You know?

It's a comedy, really.

Just, like...just fake it.

But Garry

could not do that.

The fact that he would

bring that to bear

was so beautiful

and heartbreaking to me.

I don't know that I could

use it or help him.

But it was like,

he's so honest.

Man 1:

All right, picture time.

Man 2:

All right, here we go.

( indistinct chatter )

Still the masses, please.

Apatow:

You worked with Garry

- on his movie.

- Tolan:
Yes.

Man:

All right, here we go.

Here's the rehearsal.

Tolan:

It was about a guy who was sent

from a distant planet

to take over the world by

impregnating some Earth women.

Christmas is early

this year.

You guys twins?

- Woman:
A**hole.

- Tolan:
And, in effect,

becomes human.

In effect, falls in love.

Shandling:

I thought this would

be a new way

to tell the story

of a man finding himself

and seeing the foibles

of human behavior on Earth.

He comes down here

expecting it to be a snap,

and encounters not only

troubles with women...

I've actually decided I'm not

going to have sex

until I get married.

Sorry?

. but he encounters greed

and jealousy in the workplace,

and all the things

that ego provides us.

- You got the promotion?

- And you didn't.

- ( laughter )

- Champagne?

Shandling:

And so this movie says,

if we keep going

just in that direction

and don't balance it out with

some human emotion and heart,

that we're doomed.

Three billion females

on the planet

and you pick one

that wants to get married.

- What should I do?

- Marry her.

But I'm not trained

for marriage.

Perry tells me

it's a living hell.

- Who's Perry?

- This guy at work.

He didn't even think

Susan was that hot.

Who's Susan? Why is she hot?

Is she on fire?

Tolan:

He may have thought,

"I'm going to have

this new thing,

"which might be a little

more manageable for me

"as opposed to being

the guy in charge.

Why don't I be an actor?"

Because he loved that challenge.

And Mike Nichols

was directing.

Mike Nichols:

That's good, Garry.

That'll work, right?

Cutting the music will

be your cue.

Tolan:

They started shooting

in Phoenix.

And at the end of day one,

I get a call from Mike saying,

"Get down here."

I took a quick flight

and got down there, and I said,

"What's going on?"

And he said, "What is he doing?

"I don't have time for him

to find a performance.

He wrote this.

He should know how to do it."

And he wanted Garry to do it

in two takes.

Nichols:

Okay, ready, and...

Tolan:

And, as you know,

he was not

that kind of actor.

Nichols:

Action, fellas.

Ed Solomon:

He described an experience

that's just still,

to this day,

one of the most painful things

I've heard.

There's a moment

when I think Mike looked

at the first set of dailies

and just looked at Garry

and went, like, "Oh, my God."

Like just had a physical,

visceral reaction

that was negative.

And Garry knew it.

It sent him into a panic.

It sent him into a free fall.

James L. Brooks:

I'd hear the word-for-word what

happened on the set,

and it wasn't the Mike

I knew at all.

But, holy sh*t,

whoever was doing it to him,

it was...I don't know...

I don't know how you could

have a rougher time as an actor

starring in a movie

that you'd written.

I can't imagine

a tougher experience.

Garry was in an unfamiliar

and totally vulnerable

situation.

And I think Mike must've felt

singularly trapped

that with this script

came Garry.

The chemistry was so wrong.

And Garry had, I think,

in honesty,

had to endure a protracted

period of time,

being directed by a great man

and a witty man

and one of the smartest

men alive,

who did not want to be there

after day one.

And who was,

in his upset...

punishing.

( music playing )

I can't even think about

what my jokes are.

Interviewer:

Oh, my God, someone left...

- Oh, I'd like one of those.

- ...Breath Savers.

Do you think that these could be

bad...these could be poisoned?

Apatow:

I don't know where

this is from,

but Garry wrote a series

of fake quotes for the poster.

He wrote, "I tried my darndest

to pull this off.

Garry Shandling."

- ( laughs )

- And then he wrote,

"I thought we could do it.

Annette Bening."

"I thought Mike Nichols,

Garry Shandling,

"Greg Kinnear,

Annette Bening--

"what could go wrong?

Wait till you see.

John Goodman."

( both laugh )

Shandling:

The reason I was mad

at Brad Grey,

the reason I'm mad

at Mike Nichols,

is because I find this behavior

immoral and unethical.

I no longer know how

to pick out someone not crazy,

so it freezes me right now.

I'm frozen.

And simultaneously thinking,

"Do I really just want

to be in this business?"

I've got to live my life.

Garry had a line

that he said often.

I'd say, "How are you?"

He'd say,

"It's the five topics."

So, the five topics,

I might not remember all five,

but one of them

was this house,

everything that's wrong

with this house,

and the architect

made a mistake,

and it should have been

this way and that way.

So, that would be one

of the topics.

A girlfriend of the moment would

always be one of the topics.

And Brad Grey would be

one of the topics.

And show business

would be one of the topics.

And spirituality.

So, you'd say,

"How are you today?"

"Oh, it's the five topics."

You know, you just pick one.

And when Garry got ulcers

at one point,

got diagnosed

with ulcers,

and we were talking

about Brad,

and he said,

"Wait, wait, wait, wait."

He put his hand on his stomach.

"Wait, wait, wait.

No, we have to change

the subject."

And I said, "What?" And he said,

"It hurts a little bit,

"and I get a real signal now

when I should be off

a certain subject."

And it was always an effort

to let go of it.

Apatow:

So in that period

when he was getting over

the tough experience

working with Mike Nichols,

he settles his lawsuit.

DeBecker:

Yes, I think that, ultimately,

Brad did not

want to go to trial,

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