Theatre of Blood Page #6

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keep your wits about you and eyes open.

Well, Sergeant, weve got four police cars

in front of Devlins home

and three here at Merridews.

Theyll be bringing him home by

armoured car from work in ten minutes.

That should discourage our Mr Lionheart.

Yeah, whats the next murder, lnspector?

Intended murder, you mean, Sergeant.

Its Titus Andronicus.

Two chaps are mutilated and beheaded,

another stabbed and thrown in a pit,

and to cap it all some queen

is made to eat her children baked in a pie.

Its hardly a comedy, Sergeant.

Still, I think well be able to hand...

Thats him! After him.

Thats him! After him, all of you!

(sirens)

Move it!

Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!

Where are my babies, eh?

Daddys home!

Ooh-ooh!

Where are my doggy-woggies?

My doggy-woggies?

Ooh.

Come to Daddy.

I know where you are. (chuckles)

I know where youre hiding.

Meredith Merridew,

this is your dish!

( fanfare)

Oh! Oh!

What a divine surprise.

Ive often thought

What if I was on This is Your Dish?

And now that I am,

I cant think of anything to say,

except this is a very great honour.

Merci. Please be seated, monsieur.

There. Now, we will

make you comfortable.

There we go.

- Which is the camera?

- That one right over there, monsieur.

For what we are about to receive, may

the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen.

Ooh.

(siren)

Keep your eyes on the road!

What are you trying to do,

Sergeant? Kill us all?

Come on, Sergeant!

(Lionheart)

This is the best vintage, monsieur.

Soixante-six.

Oh!

Oh, I hope everything

is to monsieurs satisfaction.

- Simply delicious.

- Bon daccord.

I wonder where my babies have got to.

My doggies, you know.

I always think of them as my babies.

Of course you do, monsieur.

And so do we.

That is part of your surprise.

I wish they were here

to share this with me.

Why, there they are,

both baked in that pie;

Whereof their mother daintily hath fed

Eating the flesh

which she herself hath bred.

Oh. Mm.

(tuts)

What was that? Where are my dogs?

Where are my babies?

Well, if Monsieur cannot do without

his dogs, then he shall have his dogs.

- Props!

- (all whistle)

You see, monsieur, two dogs...

two pies.

We knew that Monsieur would be hungry.

Oh... oh...

You do remember, monsieur,

how in Titus Andronicus,

the Queen Tamora was served

her own children baked in a pie.

Of course, in your case

weve used only the tenderest morsels.

Do have some more.

Now, will you ever again ruin

the reputation of an honest man?

- No.

- Ah-hah.

- Have you learnt your lesson?

- Yes.

Can I be certain

you will never again offend me?

Yes!

Youre quite right, I can be sure.

Thou detestable maw,

Gorgd with the dearest morsel

of the earth,

Thus I enforce

thy rotten jaws to open,

And, in despite,

lll cram thee with more food!

(Merridew chokes)

Pity.

He didnt have the stomach for it.

This is Hamlet calling Fortinbras.

Hamlet calling Fortinbras.

- Can you hear me?

- This is Fortinbras.

Youre loud and clear, Hamlet. All right?

Yes. Ive reached the rendezvous.

She should be here any moment.

Fine. Lets have a check

on the homing device.

Right.

(beeps)

Good. As long as that signal

keeps coming in, we cant lose you.

Come in, Horatio.

Come in, Horatio. Are you receiving me?

Receiving you, Fortinbras.

Is my signal clear?

Were tied to your tail, Horatio.

Shes just coming. Im signing off now.

- Hes not far from here. Shall we go?

- Edwina, I have to be honest with you.

Theres a homing device in the car.

The police will follow us.

- But you gave me your word!

- Look, the mans homicidal.

Im not tackling him on my own.

Yeah, youre right.

But youll have to let me drive.

- Why?

- If he sees you, he wont give himself up.

Yeah, all right.

Dont worry, I can handle him.

Ooh!

Horatio to Fortinbras.

Hes started up the engine now.

Right.

(beeps)

Horatio to Fortinbras.

We are stopping. They are getting out.

- (whistling)

- I hear a train whistle.

Yes, I can definitely

identify it as a train. T-R-A...

(crash)

Good day, Mr Devlin.

Welcome to the Critics Circle

Awards Presentation.

You will remember it, of course.

It was a memorable occasion for all of us.

Today, however, we are going to restage

it and you will again present the awards.

Nothing you can do will sway me

from my original judgment.

Your judgment was

ill-considered and irresponsible.

It was neither!

We gave the award to William Woodstock

because your performances

lacked originality.

Lacked originality?!

My Julius Caesar - cut down by a drunken

mob in an abandoned warehouse.

My Titus Andronicus -

This is your dish, Meredith Merridew.

My Othello - one of the greatest

performances in the history of the theatre.

Nothing you can do or say

will alter my decision.

We shall see.

No! Not one drop,

until you tell us where he is.

Be fair, lnspector.

Think what hed do to me if I told you.

Hell do nothing! Well put him away

where hell never harm a soul again.

- Dyou want a drink or dont you?

- Yes, please, lnspector.

- Im just dying for a drop.

- First tell us where Lionheart is.

You will recall, Mr Devlin, that the last

play in my repertoire was King Lear.

And lm sure you will remember

the fate that befell Gloucester.

He was blinded, Mr Devlin,

to improve his vision of events.

Perhaps a similar adjustment

will rectify your critical faculties.

Lionheart, think of your daughter.

Think of what youve done to her

with this insane vendetta of yours.

My daughter?

What have I done to you, my daughter?

Good my lord,

You have begot me, bred me, lovd me:

I return those duties back

as are right fit;

Obey you, love you, most honour you.

Give him the award.

- Forgotten the words, Mr Devlin?

- I remember them, but I wont say them.

You will repeat after me, Mr Devlin.

With this award we not only honour

a consistently brilliant interpretative artist,

but we also recognise his outstanding

contribution to the English theatre.

Therefore it is my privilege to announce

the Best Actor of the Year Award goes to...

- William Woodstock!

- (applause/cheering)

No! Present me the award, Gloucester,

or you will lose your eyes and have to

smell your way through the world.

As Lear said at his greatest moment:

Never, never, never, never, never!

Never, never, never, so be it.

- Edwina, you will give me the award.

- Yes, Father.

It will be the last thing

that Mr Devlin will ever see.

The Critics Circle is happy to present

this award for Best Actor of the Year

- to Edward Lionheart.

- (applause/cheering)

(sirens)

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is always a nostalgic moment

when we come to the end of a season,

especially one that has been

as successful as this one.

Will you join me in the toast

to the immortal Bard?

William Shakespeare!

(all) William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare!

(brakes screeching)

Burn.

Burn.

Come, fire.

Consume this petty world.

And in its ashes.

Let my memory lie.

Help him.

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