Think Like A Man Page #10

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- Listen to this.

"Men respect standards, get some."

I prefer my women not to have standards.

In fact, if I've got to choose, I'm gonna

choose the woman who has no standards.

Hold up. "Until a man achieves his goals,

or is on the road to,

"you will never be number one in his life."

See, that's not even true.

I've achieved absolutely nothing

and I still put my women first.

- This is sick.

- It's brainwashing, I'm telling you.

She's trying to push me towards my dreams

and help me accomplish my goals.

Why would she do this?

Sh*t, at least you're getting some.

Ninety days, that's not a probation,

that's a death sentence.

Hell, yeah, I want to taste your yams.

Hey, Mike, how old is your mom?

What?

No, not like that. No, it is. It is like that.

How old is she?

I come in the house, she's like,

"You want to eat?" I said, "Eat what?"

Yo, first of all, put my plate down

and stop hitting on my mom, man.

Don't get mad at me!

I don't even wanna be here.

Y'all the ones that wanna be here,

I want to go to the strip club!

Man, wrap this up. I got a bunch of ones,

and somebody gonna get them.

Ms. Loretta! I'm ready for the rest of the tour.

You guys are so screwed. And honestly,

there's nothing you can do about it.

Maybe we can.

They got our playbook, man.

They know all of our maneuvers.

Yeah, but they don't know that we know

that they know our maneuvers.

You see why I don't hang out

with Jeremy by himself?

I don't ever know what he's talking about.

Guys! It's like the Patriots,

when Bill Belichick stole the Jets' plays.

- Right, and they got busted.

- Yeah, but they won the game.

And where'd they end up? The Super Bowl.

I wish I knew what you was talking about.

We use Steve Harvey's words against them.

We pretend to give them what they want

so we get what we want.

We lie to them.

Exactly. This is war, gentlemen.

There are no rules.

Like the great Khan once said, not Genghis,

I'm talking about the Latin guy

from Star Trek Il.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Michael, I need to get something

off my chest.

You know what?

Before you get something off your chest,

I gotta get something off my chest.

You know I can be a bit of a Mama's Boy?

I think it really all started when my dad died.

It was a rough time for us, you know?

And my mom just started relying on me

for so many things. Too many things.

You know, I had to be the man of the house

at a really young age

and I guess maybe that's why we're so close.

Michael.

And I guess,

I guess what I'm trying to say is this.

I want you to be the number one

woman in my life.

It was like taking a test

you already had the answers to.

You're my priority, Candace. All right?

Yeah.

All right. Now, you said you wanted

to talk about something.

Did I?

The women had no chance.

They were like putty in our hands.

So, I just updated my rsum,

and sent it off to Neversoft.

Really?

You're serious?

I was intrigued by a job posting

I saw in Adweek and I thought,

"Why not go for it, Jeremy?

You have nothing else to lose."

Baby, that's awesome, that's wonderful.

I'm so proud of you.

- Oh, my God.

- Don't get too excited, okay?

It's just a feeler.

Probably won't even call me in.

No, you're selling yourself short.

Jeremy, you were the best in your class

at Parsons, you're a brilliant designer.

No. You're a brilliant artist.

They'd be lucky to have you.

I'm lucky to have you.

You are?

You know what I was just thinking?

What?

Nobody's had sex on this couch yet.

What?

- No, it's a virgin couch.

- Really?

What do you think we should do about that?

There's about 10 things

I think we can do about that.

Only 10?

You'll be crying out like a b*tch after three.

Now I'm scared.

I love this couch.

After careful study, Dominic realized

there was only one man

who could impress the Alpha Female.

"The Guy With Potential." Zeke.

- What?

- I have to show her I'm a man with a plan.

- Well, just make some sh*t up, dude.

- No.

- Remember that restaurant idea I had?

- Yeah.

I need you to help me with a business plan.

Cook for her. Dummy.

I already did. Breakfast.

I ain't talking about no breakfast, boy!

Something fancy, Dom.

Like, like one of them dishes

with an apostrophe in it.

Is that your robe?

Yeah.

Man, you here again?

Yes! Ass Factory don't open up

'til 10:
00, so I got time to waste.

- B*tch, move in already.

- What'd you say?

I'm sorry if I want to be around my friends

when I'm going through a divorce.

What was I thinking?

You're something else, boy.

Look, Gail used to love it

when I would cook for her. It turned her on.

You can do all types of things in the kitchen.

We had a little food thing that we would do.

I would go and get some

chocolate-covered strawberries, right?

Then I would come downstairs,

I have a G-string on.

You know what I'm talking about.

She used to love it.

So, the game was "Balance the Berry."

I would put it on the...

But the way it's...

The berry ain't gonna stay there for long.

The berry wouldn't stay on, so...

The point that I'm making is this, Dom.

Food is your art. Stick with what you know.

It's good milk, Zeke.

He's right.

It's on.

- It's over.

- Wait, what happened?

Dominic's car broke down.

I have to go pick him up?

So? Calm down.

Do you know how many times

I had to pick you up

when your Jag broke down?

Save it, Candace.

The man is a loser.

And I'm the fool who slept with him.

On the first night.

Which is a memory he will have

to cherish for the rest of his life

because it is never happening again. Never.

Hey, beautiful.

Dominic.

You look beautiful.

Yeah, you've mentioned that.

- Would you like a glass of wine?

- Actually, I came over here...

It's a Chateau Montelena, 2006.

That won first place in

the Judgment of Paris back in '76.

Actually, it was a '73 Chardonnay that won,

but I've heard this one is better.

It was a gift.

But I wanted to save it for a special occasion.

Well, thank you.

So,

to tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is good.

Yeah, there's more.

You did all this for me?

Good evening, madam.

Wild...

- Goddamn.

- Man...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Wild Mushroom en "Crot"?

Crote.

Crote?

Thank you.

- Enjoy your dinner.

- Thanks.

I really wanted to change your association

of me with hors d'oeuvres.

So, what do you think?

Amazing.

So are you.

Thank you.

And look at the stars.

Make a wish.

Okay.

Aren't you gonna make one?

No need.

And on that same night, Zeke

was on an entirely different kind of mission.

Dude, don't tell me what I said.

I know what I said.

- But I'm telling you, I'm done with her.

- What?

I'm not competing with this 90-Day Rule.

You have the ammo.

Babe, I'm going upstairs.

All right, listen.

Use "how men show their love" against her

to get the cookie.

You profess. Call her your girlfriend.

Bro, stop it. Do you have any idea

what I've been through?

I'm sick of picking up checks

and opening doors,

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