Think Like A Man Page #9

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good enough for your mom.

You think the first one she gonna root for

is the baby mama?

- Good luck with that.

- Listen to this.

"Could we reschedule beach day?

I promised to take my mom to choir practice."

I can't do that to myself again,

and I won't do that to Duke.

We both deserve a man who's all in.

Well, then set your standards.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm quoting

anything from that silly little book.

You tell Michael that you don't want

to come in between him and his mother

and that if he wants to continue dating you,

then you must be a priority in his life.

She's had him his whole life.

I can't compete with that.

Well, then dump the first man

you've met in three years

that genuinely cares about you and Duke.

Wait a minute, there's no such thing

as a perfect man, right?

What do you have to lose?

Isn't that what you've been preaching

to me all night?

Okay.

I will if you will.

It was the darkest hour.

The guys were under a full-scale attack.

But everything changed on D-Day.

Okay, tell me something.

How does it feel to officially be a free man?

Great. Okay, listen,

- I can do whatever I want...

- Okay.

- ...whenever I want, with whoever I want.

- Okay.

I'm free from all the "tie-ranny"...

- It's "tyranny".

- Will you shut up, Bennett?

- Let him finish what he's saying!

- I just want you to have proper grammar.

All right!

I'm free from all the tyranny and oppression.

And nagging from all women for good.

You hear me?

Matter of fact,

only woman I want to talk to tonight

is dancing butt-naked down

at the Ass Factory.

What happened to the Sweaty Crack?

- They got shut down. Health-code violations.

- Heard about that.

But here's the thing,

I like the Ass Factory better,

'cause the girls down there are nasty.

But they're my kind of nasty.

Ced! Ced.

Don't judge me!

I'm going through a divorce, homie.

Hey, yo, Lauren confirmed

our date tomorrow.

I thought you and that Lauren was done.

Why you all in the man's business?

I thought my man said

he was done with Lauren.

You are whipped!

- He's worse than Mike.

- Chill with that "worse than Mike."

- You wanna hear a good story?

- No.

Ced, tell them about the night

you saved it with Gail.

I'll take this goddamn bottle and knock

your face off, you bring Gail up again.

I don't wanna talk about Gail!

All I want to talk about is titties and ass!

Yo, it's Candace. Should I take it?

No, man! Here, give me the phone.

Bros before hos.

Hello. Candace. Hey, what's up, girl?

- Michael.

- I was just thinking 'bout you.

No, hi, I thought I'd get your voicemail.

No, you got me, baby.

Listen, Michael.

We need to talk.

Ladies, few words are more menacing

than the dreaded four, "We need to talk".

Now, that means one of two things,

that we did something wrong

or, you, literally, want to talk.

- She wants to talk.

- That's a new one.

That's bad, dude.

Good! I hope she talk your damn head off.

Is it ever a good sign

when a woman wants to talk?

No. Not in my house anymore.

Kris used to be fun and chill,

and now she's just in my face all the time,

nagging, harping, like,

"What are your short-term goals?

"What are your long-term goals?

Jeremy, what's your view on relationships?"

Like, I'm in the middle of a game

of Call of Duty...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, run that back.

What did you just say?

What, the long-term goals, short...

Please, don't make

- me repeat...

- Yes, that's crazy. You know what?

Candace asked me those

exact same questions on our first date.

Mya asked me the same thing.

So did Lauren.

You know what?

You know who asked me that question?

Not a goddamn soul!

'Cause strippers don't ask me sh*t!

Listen to what she said to me the other day.

She said, "I'm not your sports fish."

What is a sports fish?

A trophy girl.

You show her off to your buddies.

What the hell are you talking about, Bennett?

I was watching Oprah.

- Why are you watching Oprah?

- I like Oprah.

Man, you gotta say "no homo"

when you say sh*t like that at a divorce party.

She had Steve Harvey on the show.

He wrote some book.

It's for women, but it's about men.

- Family Feud Steve Harvey?

- I heard something about that.

He threw us under the bus like that?

That's uncouth. I wouldn't do that.

I thought Steve Harvey

was kind of my nigga, but...

- Me, too.

- What?

- You, too, what?

- I didn't say anything.

Just tell me exactly what he says in the book.

A whole bunch of sh*t.

All right, this is why we're ruining my party.

'Cause of that information.

I got it online, here we go. I got a review...

I got to get my hands on that book.

No, you're not gonna do it now.

- You said bros before hos.

- One second.

Exactly! Guess what? Your bro need a ho!

Let me tell you something,

I got a pocket full of ones

and I ain't got no goddamn drawers on.

I didn't wear no drawers tonight.

Now y'all supposed to be my wing men.

Right now, fly with me!

Celebrate, men! Get your...

Fly with me, men! Goddamn it!

This ain't good.

Yes, hello, we're looking for a book called...

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

Everywhere? Thanks.

Said they've been sold out for, like, a week.

- Good.

- Can't be sold out everywhere.

- They don't even have it on eBay.

- It's the power of Oprah.

I think I got something.

Okay, cool. Where's San Pablo?

Border of Oregon.

That's not gonna work.

- Looks like we tried.

- Hello. Right now?

Tomorrow is another day.

We can tackle it then.

- Let's go, men. Strip club time!

- Y'all take me to my mama house?

Driver, can we go to my house?

I thought you said you was gonna

cancel that with your mama.

Have you ever tried

canceling on my mom, Ced?

I'm gonna say this since don't

nobody else wanna say it, Michael.

You ever try heterosexuality?

Mom!

Got your favorite.

- Smelling good, too.

- Look at that, huh?

Let me get some chicken.

Let me get some chicken!

Stop. And the onions, you know

I love the sauted onions, and the cornbread.

I know. I'm gonna get you a plate,

but clear all this off, first.

All right, all right.

And make sure that sweet potato pie...

I will, little boy, you just clear the counter.

Mom, what is this?

That's that book by that big-head boy

that's on that Family Feud thing.

Act Like something,

Think Like something else.

It's the new read for my book club.

Every war has its turning point.

In the Civil War,

it was the Battle of Gettysburg.

World War Il,

it was the Invasion of Normandy.

The definitive turning point in this war

was that night at Loretta's house.

It was like finding the Holy Grail.

Jeremy. Tell them to turn the bus around.

The power had just shifted in our favor.

But we didn't know that yet.

"Why Men Do What They Do."

Look at this, guys.

Steve Harvey is a traitor.

Look, "Mama's Boys." Chapter 7. That's you.

I'm not a Mama's Boy.

Jer, you don't think

I'm a Mama's Boy, do you?

- Nah.

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