Thirty Day Princess Page #2

like the animals in the Ark.

There's an old fellow at the club

looks as much like me as I do.

Good-looking man, too.

Fellow used to work for me

was your spitting image.

- Really?

- Yeah, he was a cook. Terrible cook.

Somewhere out there.

Somewhere out there.

From what do you talk?

But how do you find her?

How do you find anybody?

Parker, get me some pictures

of the Princess.

20 profiles and 20 full face.

No, make it 40 profiles

and 40 full face.

GRESHAM:
She's a madcap princess, see?

Does strange things.

Now, she's disappeared.

An escapade.

I want her found and brought back

quietly, but I want her brought back.

She'll deny that she's a princess

and she'll deny that she knows me,

but pay no attention. Bring her

back in a bag if you have to.

There's a big bonus.

You fellows get everything clear?

Okay, get busy.

What means?

What means these people?

Her Highness is no escapade.

Little by little

you'll understand, Baron.

There are eight million people

out there.

BARON:
Yes?

Somewhere there must be one

who looks enough like...

- You was trying to beat it, yes?

- No, I wasn't.

What you got there?

You doesn't take nothings with you.

It's only my press book.

I was going to a place

where lots of managers eat.

I thought maybe I could get a job.

You got money to eat,

you got money to pay me.

I've only got 17 cents.

You can look.

All right, keep it.

I ain't a blood-sucker.

I wouldn't be after you,

only things are so high right now.

Right now, I'm as high as the gutter.

Thanks.

What did I do?

- Why, of course.

- Hello, Donald.

So I said to Jed,

"I'm an actor, not a clown.

"You can take that part

and stick some cheap ham with it."

- That's telling him.

- Sure.

Say, I wonder if Jed's

filled that part yet?

- Hello, Donald.

- Hello.

- Say, Donald...

- What?

- You couldn't...

- No.

I mean, steer me onto a job,

could you?

- I got rave notices in my last part.

- I saw you in it, my sweet.

- Well?

- Well...

(GASPING)

- Princess!

- Princess!

I didn't mean any harm, mister.

Now, you just come along with us.

I didn't do anything,

honest I didn't.

It just opened up by itself.

I didn't bust it.

Somebody else must have

put the nickels in, then forgotten.

He said she'd deny it.

Now, you just come along

with us, Princess.

We'll get in a nice little taxi.

- I was so hungry...

- Yes.

And it looked so good

with all the gravy and everything.

- They've found another princess.

- How many does that make?

Twenty-seven,

counting the cross-eyed girl.

Well, bring her in anyway.

We'll have a look at her.

Yes, sir.

Your Highness.

Okay boys. Nice work.

Perfect.

It's uncanny.

The King himself couldn't

tell them apart.

Is this a break?

- You're the Princess.

- Princess?

- Sure. You're the new Princess.

- Oh, sure. Sure.

Now, wait a minute.

You don't understand.

Oh, yes, I do. I understand all right.

I'm the Princess.

- What do you think I am, a lunatic?

- Of course not.

- Anybody could tell you're Napoleon.

- Now, listen.

All this seems crazy to you,

I know. Later, I'll make it all clear.

In the meantime,

how'd you like to make $10,000?

Mister, I won't conceal it from you.

I would like to make $10,000.

In fact, I'd like to make $1,000.

Even $10 wouldn't be beneath me.

Good! Now, let's get down

to business. Sit down.

- What's your name?

- Nancy Lane.

- What do you do?

- I'm an actress.

Hooray!

And have I got a part for you.

- A part?

- And what a part!

- You've got a funny way of casting.

- Now listen, my child.

- Your name is not Nancy Lane.

- Well, fancy my mother's mistake.

And furthermore,

you're not an actress.

You are the Princess

Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.

- You know, she just arrived.

- I see.

What do I do, double for her

in the dangerous scenes?

You double for her in everything.

The Princess is in bed with the mumps.

It is necessary for the Princess

to appear in public.

You look exactly like her.

Like her to the very last eyelash.

You will be the Princess.

- Who gets gypped?

- Nobody.

Come clean, mister, if you want me

to even think of playing.

- What are the royal mumps to you?

- Here it is. I'm a banker.

I'm floating a $50 million bond issue

for Taronia.

There's not a chance

of unloading them

without a personal ballyhoo

by the Princess.

And she can't ballyhoo

with the mumps.

She won't be able to leave her room

for a month.

Now, what else do you want to know?

These bonds. Are they phony?

They are not. They're a good,

conservative investment.

- I'll prove that to you.

- You'll have to.

- But it's a daffy idea, anyway.

- Well, you can pull it off.

- Nobody'll suspect.

- Nobody, eh?

How about the gang

that came with the Princess?

They've got to keep

their mouths shut and so must you.

Don't worry about that,

if I take the part.

Well, will you?

If I can get through

one dress rehearsal.

But, my dear friend,

we are on a wild goose egg.

We come to the end.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You're wrong.

We come to the beginning, Baron.

Please, Your Highness.

But, Your Highness, you have

this illness. I am of a responsibility.

You must be in bed

with many doctors.

- You know the Princess pretty well?

- I know her like a mother.

- Then take a closer look, Baron.

- I do not understand.

Your Highness, it is the fever.

Or what is it that it is?

I quiver.

I am all of a bewilderment.

You mean you have found

this young lady?

I told you that among

eight million people

there would be Miss Nancy Lane,

who, for the next 30 days, is going

to be the Crown Princess of Taronia.

It is true, she is like twins.

But impossible.

Oh, so very utterly impossible!

No Princess, no bonds.

First of all, you've got

to square it with the mob.

Ladies-in-waiting and the whole shebang.

Now, make them play ball with us.

But I do not feel like playing ball.

Who are you?

You are not a Taronian.

You forget yourself, Baron.

Well?

What girl wouldn't want to be

a princess for 30 days?

What actress wouldn't want

to play the part? And for $10,000.

Confidentially,

I'd have done it for nine.

NANCY:
I am the Crown Princess

Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.

No, no, that is no good.

Besides, not "I am,"

"We are."

We are the Crown Princess

Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.

No, no, the accent,

it is not yet good.

We are the Crown Princess

Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.

That is more

like the Princess speaks.

Now, you remember

who your grandfather was?

Big Bill Lane.

Big Bill Lane, no.

- Anatol XI.

- Anatol XI.

- And your great-grandfather?

- Anatol XII.

No, no, no.

It goes, how you call, smaller...

Oh, yes, darn it. Anatol X.

- And your great-great-grandfather?

- Anatol IX.

- And your great-great-great-grandfather?

- Anatol VIII.

No, no, no.

Venceslaus VI.

Oh, why did he have to come along

and spoil everything?

Here's the stuff about

the Princess' arrival.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes