This Is 40

- This is awesome.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

Oh, my God!

So incredible.

Do you want to know a secret?

I took a Viagra.

What?

This is awesome!

Why aren't I

using this every day?

What'd you do?

Wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop.

What?

What's the matter?

"What's the matter?"

You just took a Viagra

to have sex with me.

I thought it

would make it better.

It was better. It takes

some of the pressure off.

Because you can't get

hard without a Viagra?

Is it because you

don't think I'm sexy?

I thought you'd

think it was fun

for me to

super-size it for once.

That is the worst birthday present

you could ever give someone.

I was just trying to go

turbo for your birthday.

My hard-ons are still in analog.

This sh*t's digital.

I don't want a turbo penis.

I like your

medium-soft one.

Look, I can get it up.

Just not that far up.

Come on. You were liking it.

Forget it. Forget it.

Debbie, come on.

All right, you know what?

I'll be honest with you.

Lately, my penis hasn't been getting

as hard as it used to, all right?

And it's kind of

freaked me out.

I don't know whether or not it's because I'm

getting older or I'm losing testosterone.

No, it's what I told you. Your

artery to your heart is clogged

because you eat so much junk food,

and you have high cholesterol,

and that is directly

related to your penis vein.

My "penis vein"? Where'd

you get my penis vein?

There was a whole

Dr. Oz about it.

Cholesterol is not

clogging my penis vein.

Maybe I can't

get a hard-on fully

because, you know, I keep my

phone in my front pocket,

and it's radiating my balls. I'll give you that.

That makes sense.

Where'd you even get it from?

A very safe

and reputable farmacia.

Mexico? Mexico.

Look at this. You want

that to go to waste?

Looks like a plant

trying to reach the sun.

Okay, well...

I'll do it for 10 minutes,

but you have to figure out what

to do with the other four hours.

Stop it. Dad, stop.

I love you.

Time to get up.

Your breath smells weird.

Wake up.

I really need you to wake up.

Wake up. Come on.

Time to wake up.

Okay.

Whoo!

Ready!

Make a wish!

Hello, Sayid.

Can I watch Lost?

You can't handle Lost.

It's too violent,

and you won't understand.

If I don't understand it,

why can't I handle it?

Because you're eight.

I can handle it. I've seen a

shark eat a guy on Shark Week.

Shark Week is fake.

No, it's not.

All of it is reenactments.

I know, but they...

And that's scary. You shouldn't

be allowed to watch that.

They show the reenactments,

but they actually happened.

It's gonna give you nightmares.

I can handle a nightmare. You're

a nightmare every day for me.

Hey.

Don't eat that cupcake.

What?

The one you just

put into the sink.

I saw you were hiding that.

This cupcake? You think I'm

going to eat this cupcake?

Yeah. I so don't want this cupcake.

Look.

You're still going to eat it.

I'm going to eat that cupcake?

Just put it in the trash.

What would you like to do?

Your choice.

Anything?

Yeah, anything.

Just hang out with you guys.

Don't you want to get a

massage, or do something fun?

Forty's huge.

I'm turning 38.

Okay, 38. We will move on.

Isn't it weird that our

birthday is the same week,

and then we're going to have a

party, and it's just for me?

No, I don't think

it's weird at all.

Because you're turning

Come on, do you really want

to be one of those ladies

who's just so

insecure about their age?

And they lie, and then they gotta

remember, and it gets all...

You don't get it. See, you

don't understand how it works.

I don't want to shop

at old ladies' stores.

I don't want to go to J. Jill and

Chico's, and Ann Taylor Loft.

I'm not ready yet.

I need two more years.

That is so insane,

it kind of makes sense.

What'd you get me

for my birthday?

Wait a minute,

I thought you said that

we shouldn't get each

other gifts this year.

What do you mean?

You're supposed to

get me a surprise gift.

This is a big birthday.

I'm turning 40.

Mom!

Mom, why can't I get

new clothes?

What the f***?

Nothing fits me!

God damn it!

I'm going to go work out,

I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, did your father call

to wish you a happy birthday?

No, but that's no surprise.

Come on.

Coming.

You got to keep up with us, sweetheart.

Yeah, I'm in.

That's why your body

looks like your body

and her body

looks like her body.

Before, after.

Before, after.

You guys just go on without me.

I'm just gonna...

I think I gotta...

F***.

Thanks for letting

me join this team.

It's not really a team.

It's just a bunch of guys

that get together and ride.

- I know, I know.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey! Bike lane, a**hole!

It's always the guy in

the f***ing Infiniti.

Good. See, you're getting

tight here. Yeah.

This, we need to work on.

Okay.

So, why on earth is Pete taking Viagra?

What's going on?

I don't know.

I think maybe he isn't attracted

to me anymore or something.

I don't know.

Well, that is ridiculous.

If you were my girlfriend,

I would not need a Viagra.

I would need

an anti-Viagra pill...

To try not to get a boner.

But everyone gives you a boner.

Don't sell yourself

short like that.

You give me a boner.

Barb doesn't give me a boner.

Maybe things are

just getting stale.

That's why if maybe I

work out really hard...

Maybe he'll be able

to get a boner again.

Why do you need

to have sex, Deb?

Sex is the number one thing

people fight about.

You stop having sex,

there will be no more fights.

I am living proof.

I have no sex,

and I am the happiest

I have ever been.

I knew it. I knew you

were not having sex.

I can see it on your face.

It's all...

Puckered and pained.

I'm enjoying our non-sex

period, that's all I'm saying.

Don't you miss it?

I wouldn't know, because I don't

have any feeling down there anymore.

I have nerve damage

from my C-section,

so everything's just kind of...

She's numb down there.

I could sit down

hard on a fire hydrant,

and I wouldn't even

know that I was sitting.

I could get stung by a hornet down

there, and I would not feel it.

You could put

anything in there,

and I would not know

what the object was.

I used to pee in a nice stream,

and now it just kind of goes

like a shower head.

That is the saddest

thing I've ever heard.

I think you need a family.

Don't you want a family?

No, I think

I want to Clooney it.

Clooney it?

Yup.

He doesn't seem happy.

Yeah, he is.

No, he's lonely.

No, he's not.

See, I think he has sad eyes.

You sweet little thing, no.

He's doing sad, lonely eyes

to get the next lady.

Look, I can do it, too.

Watch.

I bet George Clooney

is really lonely.

Just him and his pig.

You'd f*** him.

I wouldn't.

So would you.

I would.

I wouldn't feel it,

but I would.

You'd f*** him with your numb vagina.

Yes, you would.

Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's

what you'd find out.

Do you think?

I mean, that was idiotic, though.

You have to understand that.

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