This Is 40 Page #2

That's the one

thing you don't do,

is tell her that

you used Viagra.

I think that's even

on the warning label.

We're in one of

those phases where

everything that

the other person says

just annoys

the sh*t out of each other.

All the time. It's a blast.

Don't worry about it.

You just gotta ride that out.

This sounds terrible.

Okay, I like it.

But...

Do you ever wonder

what it would be like if, say,

you were separated

by something bigger.

Like death? Like her death?

I have given it

a fair amount of thought.

Not in a painful way,

just quietly slid into death.

Like a gas leak.

Absolutely.

It's gotta be peaceful.

I mean, this is the mother

of your children.

You want her to die...

No, I'd want it

to be a peaceful...

...gentle, you know.

Yeah, just like drift into a coma

from which she never awakens.

And then you move on.

Then you are a widower.

That's just it,

people love widowers.

They love widowers. It's like the

polar opposite of divorced guys.

It's the best.

It's like,

"Oh, that poor widower."

"If I could only

make him happy."

"Somehow, ease his pain."

"Cock-suck

away his sadness."

Do you know that this song,

Pixies did this song,

it's about a Salvador Dali short

film called Un Chien Andalusia.

This music doesn't

make people happy.

This song kicks off Doolittle, one of

the best albums of the last 30 years.

Look how angry you get

while listening to it.

An important record.

It's my birthday. You don't

control the radio on my birthday.

I do.

I control the radio

on my birthday.

Sadie's watching Lost.

Sadie, how many times have

you watched Lost this week?

I only watched 11. But I have eight

more, and then I'm done, so...

How many are there?

Are you kidding me?

You can't watch over 100 episodes

of a show in five weeks.

It'll melt your brain.

It's not melting my brain,

it's blowing my mind.

That's really bad, Sadie.

You're not allowed to do that.

My relationship with Lost

is not your business.

It's extremely personal.

Stop!

Stop it.

Be nice to your sister.

You guys are going to

cherish each other one day.

Stop it! Stop!

It's your birthday. You

don't need to go to the store.

No, just five minutes.

Desi and Jodi are fighting.

All right, five minutes,

but then I'm pulling you out.

Hi.

Hi.

How's Jodi treating you?

Jodi?

Oh, Jodi's my new BFF.

She's like a little kitty-cat.

Sometimes she comes

and rubs up against my leg.

And you're a ball of sh*t.

She loves me.

Huh.

Can you do inventory so that

we can do the sidewalk sale?

And you really need to pay

attention to the numbers

because we have

$12,000 unaccounted for.

I think it's probably Desi.

She's been having a really hard

time using these simple computers.

It's because she's stupid.

I think she might be stealing.

She's not stealing.

She's our best employee. She

made nine grand last month.

How much did I make?

You brought in $2,200.

That's not bad.

Well, it's not that good.

I mean, I'm not comparing you,

but you're not as good.

All right. See you.

I don't think she's

wearing underwear.

What?

It's all dark up there.

Why are you looking?

I didn't mean to look.

I just said, "Hey, whoa."

And there it was.

Maybe she's wearing

dark underwear.

Yeah, maybe she has underwear that has

a picture of a vagina painted on it.

Stop looking.

Some deep oranges and browns,

and maybe some dark greens.

That would really

play up your features.

I'll just take out my AmEx and you

pick what stuff you think's good.

Whoo!

Good job!

Whoo!

Where's Daddy?

I think he went to poop.

Pete!

Q-A-T.

Suck on that, b*tch.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Going to the bathroom.

We're all downstairs,

waiting for you.

You've been up here

for a really long time now.

I'm almost done.

I'll be down in a second.

Charlotte just did her first

flip on the trampoline

and she landed on her feet.

She was really

proud of herself.

That's great!

And you missed it.

She'll do it again.

It's the fourth time you've

gone to the bathroom today.

Give me a break.

Why is your instinct to escape?

It's not my instinct

to escape from you.

It is my instinct to

come into the bathroom

when I need to go

to the bathroom.

You want me to hook up

cable in here or something?

You need DirecTV?

Well, it's probably

too late for this dump,

but if you could do that for

the next one, I'd be psyched.

How come

I don't smell anything?

It's because I shoved an Altoid

up my ass before I came in here.

Let me see, then.

What?

Let me see.

No, I'm not going

to let you see.

You're not going to let me see,

because you're

not taking a poop.

I've been flushing as I go.

You're flushing as you go.

Who takes a half-hour

to go to the bathroom?

John Goodman.

Don't press "Enter." I'm not

sure I want to make that move!

Thank you. Wow.

You know, when I

first started this label,

my dream was to work

with musicians and bands

whose music

I just admired so much.

The person that I thought, "My God,

wouldn't it be incredible to work with,"

was Graham Parker.

Tonight, we have him, solo

because we couldn't afford

to fly in The Rumour.

Graham Parker.

It's just not my kind of music.

Really? What is

your kind of music?

I like happy music

that you can dance to.

Yeah, but when you

listen to a song

where somebody's singing

about something depressing,

don't you relate to it?

No.

It makes you feel

the same as they...

It makes you feel you're

a part of the human race.

I don't feel like that.

I like Lady Gaga.

Oh, God, of course you do.

What?

Shallow dance music.

It's not. It is fun.

And it's about

release and sex and power.

You don't have to like it. It's

really not for you, that's fine.

This is a job.

This is not a hobby.

Can't you love him,

just as a hobby

and sign a 15-year-old

hot girl so we can eat?

Graham Parker & The Rumour

had two albums

in the Rolling Stone Top 500

Best Albums of All Time.

Two of them.

If I can just sell 10,000 records

to his hardcore fanbase,

we're golden.

The last of Graham

Parker's fans just died.

I do know. Hardly. That sort

of music depresses people.

Hi, Charlotte.

Sadie. Sadie,

what are you listening to?

Okay. This is music

that makes people happy.

And this is what people buy.

What?

Right, girls?

Come on, Sadie.

Okay.

Why did you take it off?

Now, something

that really rocks.

This is called good music.

From somebody's heart.

This is bumming me out.

This isn't fun.

Just listen to these words, okay?

Just listen to the words.

I don't understand the words.

This is lyrics.

This is poetry.

This is what is going to

survive in a hundred years.

It just doesn't

make people happy.

Makes me happy.

I can dance to it.

But you're the only one

in the room who's happy.

Sometimes I wish just

one of you had a dick.

Well, we don't want one.

Is there something that you can

do to be helping me right now?

Yeah, I'm ready to help.

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