This Is Spinal Tap Page #2

inside her tights, yeah

Big bottom

Big bottom

Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em

Big bottom, drive me out of my mind

How could I leave this behind?

Let's talk about your reviews,

regarding Intravenus de Milo.

"This tasteless cover is a good indication

of the lack of musical invention within."

"The musical growth rate of this band

cannot even be charted."

"They're treading water in a sea

of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."

That's nit-picking.

The Gospel According To Spinal Tap.

"This pretentious, ponderous collection

of religious rock psalms

is enough to prompt the question,

what day did the Lord create Spinal Tap,

and couldn't he have rested

on that day, too?"

I never heard that one. That's a good one.

The review on Shark Sandwich, which

was merely a two-word review, just said:

"Sh*t sandwich."

- Where did that appear?

- That's not real, is it?

RECORDING INDUSTRY CONVENTION

Atlanta, Georgia

All those arguments about touring...

We belong on tour.

All that stuff about you being

too old and being too white...

What about the album, lan?

This is beginning to be a refrain here.

There's no way

to promote something that doesn't exist.

It's just that they're

just experimenting with, er,

with new packaging materials.

Experimenting?

They got monkeys opening it?

The other thing is

that the Boston gig has been cancelled.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not a big college town.

You boys got an album

coming out or anything?

Smell The Glove. It should be out...

- Smell The Glove?

- Smell The Glove, yeah.

- Provocative title.

- Wait till you see the cover.

Very provocative indeed.

Bobbi, can I tear you away from all this?

- Do you have a drink?

- I don't really need one.

But, um, listen. I really do have to

talk to you a bit about this...

lan, just tell me what's on your mind.

- The issue of the cover.

- Yeah.

Um... we, er, I mean, we feel,

and it seems to be fact,

that the company's rather down

on the cover. Is that the case?

- Yes.

- You can give it to me straight.

Listen... they don't like the cover.

- Well, that's straight.

- They find it offensive and sexist.

What do you find offensive?

lan, you put a greased,

naked woman on all fours

with a dog collar around her neck

and a leash,

and a man's arm extended out up to here

holding onto the leash and pushing

a black glove in her face to sniff it.

You don't find that offensive and sexist?

- This is 1982!

- That's right, it's 1982.

We don't have this mentality any more.

You should've seen the cover

they wanted to do!

This is something you have to talk about.

- We're not laying down any conditions...

- A sexy cover isn't why an album sells.

You tell me - The White Album?

What was that?

There was nothing

on that goddamn cover.

Excuse me. We'll talk about this after.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Denis.

Uh-uh. OK.

Why don't you tell him?

OK, hold on. Lan, it's Eton-Hogg.

He wants to talk to you.

- OK. Thank you, darling.

- You're welcome... dear.

Hello? Sir Denis!

Hi. How are you?

Oh...

F***in' old poofter!

But it's really not that offensive,

Sir Denis! Come on!

OK. I'll call you

absolutely first thing in the morning.

Oh, sh*t!

They're not gonna release the album,

because they have decided

that the cover is sexist.

So what? What's wrong with being sexy?

I mean, there's no...

Sex-ist!

OK, I wanted to tell you this,

but I didn't know

what Denis's decision was going to be.

But at this point,

both Sears and K-Mart stores

won't handle the album. They're

boycotting it because of the cover.

If the company is behind an album,

it can shove it down their throats!

Money talks and bullshit walks.

And if the first album was a hit,

then we could have told them...

- Every cut on this album...

- I don't give a sh*t...

It was a joke

and they're making it a big deal.

If we said she should be forced

to smell the glove,

then you'd have a point.

But it's all a joke.

- We're making fun of it.

- She should be made to smell it.

But not over and over.

We can work something out. I'll talk to

Denis and maybe we can compromise.

A new design concept

we can all live with.

- You guys were schoolmates?

- We... We're not university material.

- What's on your finger?

- My gum.

- Why is it on your finger?

- I might need it later.

- Put it on the table. It's terrible.

- I might forget it on the table.

- Can't take him anywhere!

- How old were you guys when you met?

About eight years old. Eight or nine.

- You were eight and I was seven.

- That's right.

Do you remember

the first song you wrote together?

All The Way Home.

- All The Way Home?

- Yeah.

Can you remember it?

I'd love to hear it.

Christ! Some black coffee,

maybe we could do it.

How's it go?

- I was standin'

- Beside the railroad track

And I'm waitin' for that train

to bring you back

Bring you back

If she's...

If she's not on the 5.19

Then I'm gonna

know what sorrow means

And I'm gonna cry, cry, cry,

all the way home

- All the way home

- All the way home

- All the way home

- All the way home

- Cry... cry, cry, all the way home.

- Cry, cry, cry, all the way home.

There was about six words in it.

Just repeating them over and over again.

Let's talk about your music today.

One thing that puzzles me, um,

is the make-up of your audience.

It seems to be predominantly young boys.

Well, it's a sexual thing.

Aside from

the identifying that the boys do with us,

there's also, like,

a reaction of the female to our music.

Really, they're quite fearful.

They see us onstage with tight trousers...

We've got, you know,

armadillos in our trousers.

It's really quite frightening, the size.

And... and they run screaming.

VANDERMINT AUDITORIUM

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

lan, can I have a word with you?

Yes, of course. What?

There are a couple of problems

with the arrangements backstage.

- What exactly?

- Well, there are some problems here.

I don't even know where to start.

- Sound check? What?

- No, no, no, no. This. Look.

There's a problem with... Look. This.

This miniature bread. I've been working

with this for about half an hour.

I can't figure out... Let's say

I want a bite, right? You got this...

- You'd like bigger bread?

- Exactly! I don't understand...

You could fold this.

- Then it's half the size.

- Not the bread. You fold the meat.

- Then it breaks apart like this.

- No, you put it on the bread like this.

- But if you fold it, it breaks.

- Why fold it?

Everything has to be folded.

And then it's this, and I don't want this.

I want large bread, so that I can put this...

So then it's like this,

but this doesn't work because it's all...

Because it hangs out?

- Would you hold this?

- I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth.

And then we move on to this. Look! Look!

Who's in here? No one.

Then in here, there's a little guy.

It's a complete catastrophe!

You're right, Nigel,

but calm down, calm down.

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