This Is Spinal Tap Page #3

- It's no big deal. It's a joke.

- I'm sorry.

It's just some cracker university.

I don't want it to affect your performance.

It won't affect my performance.

Don't worry.

I just hate it. It does disturb me.

But I'll rise above it. I'm a professional.

It's better in a hellhole

You know where you stand in a hellhole

Folks lend a hand in a hellhole

Girl, get me back to my hellhole

Do Stonehenge!

Do you play...

Do you actually play all these?

I play them and I cherish them.

This is at the top of the heap.

No question about it.

Look at the flame on that one.

It's just... It's quite unbelievable.

This one is just... It's perfect, 1959.

You know, it just... Listen.

- How much...

- Just listen.

- The sustain-listen to it.

- I'm not hearing anything.

You would if it were playing.

Because it's famous for its sustain.

- You can just hold it...

- So you don't...

You can go and have a bite

and you'd still be hearing that one.

- Can you hold this a sec?

- Sure.

This one... This, of course,

is a custom three pick-up.

This is my radio unit.

So I strap this piece on

right down in here when I'm onstage.

- It's a wireless.

- Wireless. Exactly.

- I can play without all the muck.

- You can run anywhere onstage with it.

This is special, too. Look, see?

It's still got the tagger on it.

Never even played it.

- You just bought it...

- Don't touch it.

I wasn't gonna touch it.

- I was just pointing at it.

- Don't point.

- Don't even point?

- No. It can't be played. Never.

- Can I look at it?

- No. You've seen enough.

This is what we use onstage.

But it's very, very special

because, if you can see,

the numbers all go to 11.

Look. Right across the board.

- And most amps go up to ten?

- Exactly.

- Does that mean it's louder?

- Well, it's one louder, isn't it?

It's not ten. See, most blokes

are gonna be playing at ten.

You're on ten here,

all the way up, all the way up.

You're on ten-where can you go

from there? Where?

- I don't know.

- Nowhere. Exactly!

If we need that extra push over the cliff,

you know what we do?

- Put it up to 11.

- Exactly. One louder.

Why don't you make ten louder,

make ten the top number,

and make that a little louder?

These go to 11.

Are you Spinal Tap?

- This is Spinal Tap.

- Welcome to Memphis.

- Gentlemen, we have a slight problem.

- How slight?

- You wanted seven suites.

- Seven suites.

He's put you on

the 7th floor with one suite.

That's considerably more than minor.

But it's a good-sized room.

It's a king leisure.

How are we going to get 14 people

in a king leisure bed?

- Don't tempt me, sir.

- Have a good time.

- I'll take care of it.

- Welcome, gentlemen.

- Very attractive...

- Listen to me!

We want these suites. These people are

tired. We've a sound check in an hour.

- What's the problem?

- Give me a hand, please.

I'll tell you what's wrong.

This twisted old fruit here

- Tells me that...

- I'm just as God made me, sir.

What's the difference between

golf and miniature golf?

Uh-oh, here they come.

Duke! Duke! Would you...

Can I have your autograph?

Duke. It's OK, we know him.

It's Spinal Tap.

- David St Hubbins, Spinal Tap.

- How ya doin'?

Derek Smalls.

- We gotta get going.

- Where are you playin'?

We're doin' the... Enormo Dome.

We sold it out.

That's a big place. You sold it out?!

We really should run, you know.

Good heavens! How are you?

Great to see you, Ter.

- Um... Liam!

- Lan.

lan!

We'd love to chat, but we gotta sit

in the lobby and wait for the limo.

- OK.

- Great to see you again, Terry.

- Cheers!

- Cheers!

Great. Great to see you.

- Good days. Good days.

- Nice to see you.

F***in' wanker. What a wanker.

He's got this much talent.

This much if he's lucky.

We had to apologise for him with our set.

People were still booin' him

when we were on. It's all hype.

- We got our rooms. Big fat suites.

- Can I ask you something?

Have you seen

Duke Fame's current album?

- Um... yes.

- You've seen the cover?

- No, I don't think I have.

- It's a rather lurid cover.

It's, like, naked women and...

He's tied down to this table and they've

got whips and they're all semi-nude.

- What's your point?

- It's much worse than Smell The Glove.

He releases that and he's number three.

But he's the victim. Their objections

were that she was the victim.

If the singer's the victim, it's not sexist.

- He did a twist on it.

- We should've thought of that.

If we'd had you guys tied up,

that would've been fine.

It's such a fine line between stupid and...

- And clever.

- It's just that turnabout.

I have a piece of bad news.

Although it may not be that bad.

We're, er... we're cancelled here.

- At the hotel?

- No, the gig is cancelled.

F***!

"Memphis show cancelled

due to lack of advertising funds."

The last time Tap toured America, they

were... booked into 10,000-seat arenas

and 15,000-seat venues. And it seems

that now, on the current tour,

they're being booked into

I was wondering, does this mean

the popularity of the group is waning?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, not at all.

I just think that... that their appeal

is becoming more selective.

I notice you got this cricket bat here.

- Do you play?

- No. I carry this partly out of...

I don't know. Sort of...

- I suppose... What's the word?

- Affectation?

Yes. It's a kind of totemistic thing,

you know.

To be frank, it's come in useful

in a couple of situations.

Certainly in the

topsy-turvy world of heavy rock.

Having a good solid piece of wood

in your hand is quite often... useful.

I miss you too, darling.

Um, not too well, actually.

We got to Memphis

and there's no gig in Memphis.

And we find out

this promoter in the Midwest

has pulled out of St Louis

and Kansas City,

and, um,

oh, Des Moines.

I don't know. It's in Indiana or something.

I thought...

Oh, don't tease me. That's not until April.

Great! We'll do it! Oh, f***in' great!

Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

I have no idea.

You might have to fly to New York

and then go to Milwaukee from there.

Oh, God, I love you too!

OK. Bye.

Well, my problems are solved, mate.

Jeanine, she's gonna come meet us.

She was supposed to do this window

layout for Neil Khyatt's boutique, but...

- Is she coming to drop some stuff off?

- No, she's coming on the road.

She's gonna travel with us.

She's gonna go on the road with us.

She says she can hear that

I'm eating too much sugar on the phone.

She says my larynx is fat.

You might want to come next door.

The radio's playing a bit of your past.

Are you happy for me?

- I don't believe it!

- Just have a listen, man.

How sad it must end

but I'm glad I've a friend

Sharing cups and cakes with me

And cakes with me

Oh, yeah! Goin' all the way back to 1965!

Doesn't it feel good with

The Thames Men and "Cups & Cakes"?

The Thames Men later became Spinal Tap

and had a couple of nice-sized hits.

They're currently in the

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