This Is Where I Leave You Page #10

Could you not get in the car

till we work this out?

It would never have worked, Phillip.

You're a narcissist with Oedipal issues.

- I'm a classic enabler.

- But I love you. Ow.

- I need an adult

- I am an adult!

- Oh, God.

- Stop that. Get off!

- Damn it, I'm talking to you.

- No, stay on him.

Since when have you run away

from discussions?

- Stop it!

- Get back here. We're not done.

You love discussions!

- Stop it! Stop it!

- Oh, my God.

- If I get wet, you are dead.

- No. No. Somebody stop him.

- Boner! Boner!

- Unbelievable. Judd.

- You can let go any time you want.

- No.

- You can let go.

- Can we stop being a reality show?

I don't care. You think you can

hurt me any more than I already am?

Leave it alone.

What the f***?

I guess this is as good a time as any.

Did you guys not know about that?

Linda was helping me take care of

your father. Long, hard nights, huh?

I don't know how to explain

how it happened.

- Did Dad know?

- Of course.

Your father was a very enlightened man,

sexually speaking.

Let me tell you a story about your father.

- Don't.

- I wish you wouldn't.

When Horry got hurt

and I was drowning in medical bills...

...your father paid our mortgage for a

full year so we wouldn't lose the house.

Your father was like family to me. And he

died knowing your mother wouldn't be alone.

Why didn't you tell us?

You needed to mourn your father

without any distractions.

Uh, wait a minute, Mom.

This whole Shiva thing.

It wasn't Dad's idea, was it?

Smart boy.

- Oh, Mom.

- How could you lie to us like that?

You wouldn't have stayed if I didn't.

And I needed you all here.

And you needed each other,

even if you couldn't see it.

If we didn't come here,

Tracy wouldn't have broken up with me.

So thank you for ruining my life.

I think it's time you took some

small measure of responsibility...

...for where you choose

to put your own penis.

Could you please not talk about my penis?

I can't begin to tell you how creepy it is.

When he was little he thought

it was a Tootsie Roll. You remember that?

I used to see him over and try to ah, ah...

No, no, no!

- La, la, la

Phillip. Phillip. Hey, Phillip.

That's terrible to listen to.

Take a seat. Take a seat, pal.

I get it. This is a private moment.

Unless you wanna talk more about Phillip's

Tootsie Roll and the way he licks it.

So I am gonna head out. Okay?

That's it for me.

Have a good one.

- See you, Boner.

- Are you kidding me with that?

- Was it you?

- Yeah.

All right. So, again...

No, no. No. No. Goddamn it.

Okay, J, come on. Hey. Hey.

You just took a spill. That's all.

Okay, buddy? There you go. There you go.

Now give me a smile. Okay?

Okay, J.

You're okay.

Wah, wah.

Okay.

Judd, honey. Judd.

Judd. Judd. Judd. Oh, God.

Thank God. You scared me to death.

Are you all right?

Go ahead.

J.

Dad, when I was little,

he used to call me J.

I remember.

I remember.

I know.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm so glad you tightened this.

- Hi.

- You're not allowed on the ice in shoes.

- I just wanna say something and then I'll go.

- Judd.

My mom is in love.

Well, that's nice for her.

The specifics are very hard to explain.

Um, very, very hard.

But I realized something.

I have never been in love. Not like that.

I've been too busy chasing this idea

that I had about this perfect life...

...and life is not perfect.

It shouldn't be perfect.

It should be unpredictable

and irrational...

...and complicated.

And I want a complicated life...

...where I can love someone like that.

- Judd...

- And, now, listen.

I don't know if things

would ever work out between us.

I'm emotionally inept,

and you're a little strange.

You know, right? A little bit.

But you're a great strange.

You're honest.

And you're $0...

You're good.

And I think that maybe someday...

...we could love each other like that.

And I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I didn't mean to.

Where do you go from here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Six months, I'm gonna be a dad.

And I've never been alone,

so I was thinking that I would try that.

Well, you know I'm not a fan of small talk,

so I'm gonna give you a hug...

...and wish you Godspeed.

Be good, Judd Altman.

Bye, Penny.

And love, love, love

Is only heaven away

Inside you the time moves

- Oh, my God. That was some speech.

- Thanks.

That was amazing. I love the part

where you said I was strange.

I did say that, didn't I?

I was hoping I heard myself wrong.

Was that all right?

So when you get your act together,

you should call me.

- Yeah. Did I not say that?

- No.

I didn't say I'm calling?

No. You just were like, I'm weird,

but we could still be good together.

And we could love each other. You know,

you want your alone time for six months.

- Walk around, maybe get to think about things.

- Definitely meant to say I'm calling in six months.

It was the whole reason to come here.

I'm so sorry.

Hmm.

They're playing our song.

Yeah, does Cyndi Lauper

have to be our song?

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick

And think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

It's okay to cry, honey. Or laugh.

- There's no correct response.

- I know, Mommy.

- Mwah.

- Stay in touch, okay?

Sissy, my turn, my turn, my turn. Oh, yeah.

Buckle that good. Is it buckled?

Okay, good.

- Bye, Wendy.

- Bye, Annie.

All right. Drive safe.

I love you, Judd.

Are you gonna be okay

with those two little kids on the plane?

Deflecting emotion with logistics. Nice.

Well, it's what we do.

I'm gonna come in when the baby's born.

- You keep me posted.

- I will.

- No, you won't. But I'm coming anyway.

- Heh.

- Goodbye.

- I'll see you soon, Dad.

- Mm.

- Heh.

And then there were three.

So Mom just wakes up one morning

and decides she's a lesbian.

Yeah, it's been that

kind of week, hasn't it?

$0...

- Phillip.

- Needs a job.

- You need a job.

- I'll be okay.

Do you really believe that?

I'm getting there.

Dad always had a soft spot for him,

didn't he?

I think he liked us

because we were kind of like him.

He likes Phillip

because he was nothing like him.

Okay, I'll bring him into the business.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Oh, Paul. You are a good guy.

The secret's out.

He's the good brother.

Very cool of you. Thank you.

Okay, okay. Before you get too

excited, here's the deal:

When it comes to Phillip screwing up,

like he will...

...you and I are partners, 50-50.

- Okay?

- That is a deal. You got it.

Have you guys tried this kugel?

It's terrible. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, sh*t, I just spit in the kugel.

- I'm gonna live to regret this, aren't I?

- Of course you are.

Let me cut it off the one side.

I'll get you some.

Slipping away in broad daylight?

Yeah.

I just wasn't up to the drama

of a big goodbye, so...

No, I get it.

So Paul offered me the job.

Great.

I told him I'd mull it over.

You know, consider my options.

I don't wanna seem too eager.

- You're an idiot.

- I really am. Heh.

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