This Is Where I Leave You Page #9

for the sake of that kid, aren't I?

Well, I'm no expert...

...but I think you're gonna have to make

much larger sacrifices down the road.

Yeah. That's true.

You sounded almost wise there for a minute.

Right?

All right. You go ahead. I'm gonna meet up

with you guys back at home.

Hey, sis. That was a great shot.

Thanks for the help.

Well, you guys are idiots.

But you're my idiots.

Drive safe.

Are you kidding me? It's 2014. Okay?

- There they go.

- Later, man.

Take it easy.

Uh, fellas, before you go...

You see this nice car here?

I've got $43 that says

you can't flip it over.

- Man, what'd he do to you, anyway?

- He slept with my wife.

- What do you say?

- Keep the money, bro.

- Let's do it.

- Really?

- Come on, boys. Do it. Really.

- Oh, boy.

- Bend your knees.

- Come on.

There it goes. You got it!

Ha-ha-ha. Whoa'.!

- That was good.

- Later, dude.

Very nice.

- Are you serious?

- Come on, man. Get out of here.

I did not expect that from you.

You know,

the saddest thing about this whole mess...

...is you were one of my only real friends.

I was your employee.

Even sadder.

Look, bud, um,

I'm sorry how this whole thing shook out.

You know, I'm looking at you up there

with her, and there's a baby on the way.

She's in there bawling about a heartbeat,

and, buddy, I don't even hear it.

I don't even think the doctor hears it.

I think they're all in on this thing.

And they're getting all emotional,

and it's just not me.

I mean, I sure as sh*t aren't a stepfather.

- So is that it? Are you done?

- I'm out.

- That's it?

- That's right.

- It's what's best for everyone.

- You mean it's what's best for you.

That's just a coincidence.

I don't think that's drivable.

I'm gonna take myself a long walk.

And thanks.

For what?

Up until just now, I thought I was

the most pathetic guy I knew.

You're welcome.

It really hurts when you punch someone.

Thank God this was platinum. If this was

white gold, I would've broken my hand.

- It makes me feel terrible.

- It was worth it.

Like what I'm going through doesn't matter.

- I have got...

- I'm done. Never mind.

What was that?

It's just a slight disagreement.

- Well, do you wanna talk about it?

- Uh...

No, thanks. I have a headache.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Well, what about Shiva?

I'm calling it tonight on account of rain.

Quinn?

I'll be right back.

Well...

This is the part where you get to say

you were right.

You were right.

We got lost. I got lost.

I got lost.

But our baby, he will never be alone.

I promise you that.

You were right. We don't need

to be married to be parents together.

I'll be right in there with you.

- She.

- What?

She.

- She.

- She.

I can't believe he's really gone.

I know, honey.

These are actually pretty comfortable.

- Yeah?

- Mm.

Mm.

Oh. Morning, Tracy.

I didn't know anyone else was up.

- I didn't mean to intrude. You okay?

- That's okay. Mm-hm.

- Hey, Judd.

- Yep?

What would you say the odds are...

...that your brother has had sex with

that Chelsea girl while we've been here?

I mean, you know, I know

he's your brother...

...but I could use a friend here.

A little honesty for a change.

Just between you, me and the sunrise.

The odds are pretty good.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

I am a grown-up person.

I am smart and professional.

I have my sh*t together.

And your brother is a child

who's spent his entire life...

...reeling in the slack

as fast as you guys will cut it for him.

So, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna gather up

the tattered remnants of my dignity...

...and say goodbye.

That'll crush him, you know.

I'll let him keep the Porsche.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't think he'll have it for very long.

He keeps leaving it unlocked

with the keys inside.

Someone's just gonna drive off with it.

Phillip really isn't built

to hold on to things.

Tracy, you are not the first woman

that's wanted to believe in Phillip.

But you are far and away the best one.

Thanks.

Hi.

- Penny.

- I gotta go to work.

Hang on one second. Let me talk to you.

- Quinn okay?

- Yes, she's fine.

- And the baby?

- She's good too.

- It's a girl? Congratulations.

- Yeah.

- Will you talk to me for one second?

- What?

I wanted to explain earlier.

Things got... I got the phone call...

Hey. Look. I'm a big girl.

You know, it's not like we were

going steady. It's just sex.

No, it wasn't. You know that.

You know it was more than sex.

No. It wasn't.

If it was, then what

does that say about you?

That's all it was.

Hey, Penny. Let me...

Oh, my goodness.

So many amazing childhood memories

from this place. You smell it?

Hey.

- Oh, sh*t.

- You've been avoiding me.

You grabbed my dick. Okay?

That's why I've been avoiding you.

- I didn't mean to.

- Please. You didn't mean to.

What'd you think you were gonna

find down there, Annie?

I'm sorry, Judd.

I just...

- I want a baby so badly.

- Why don't you think about what you do have?

You and Paul.

You guys really love each other, don't you?

Yes.

That's so much harder than having a baby.

I mean, it's, you know,

damn near impossible.

And you'll have a baby, one way or another.

But do not screw up your marriage to do it.

You're right.

I know you're right.

I'm just the most pathetic person.

No, you're not.

That's the last thing I'd call you, Annie.

Oh, I can think of some other words

that I would use as well.

- How about "determined," huh?

- Oh, my God.

Someone came down here very determined.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

The irony here

is that you made a fool out of me.

No, I didn't. Wait. Why is that ironic?

That fact that he doesn't know

why it's ironic is ironic.

I gotta go. Thank you all so much.

- We can have a conversation about this.

- We've had the conversation already.

- I wanna have it again.

- I saw this coming.

He can wait for one second.

- Scale of 1 to 10.

- Shut up.

- Was it how you remembered?

- Oh, my God.

- Annie?

- Hey, buddy.

- What the hell's going on here?

- We're just having a talk.

Your marriage goes to sh*t, now you're hitting on

my wife. Don't think I don't see you look at her.

- Don't come over here.

- You have wanted to do this for years.

Come back here!

- Put your suitcase down and talk to me.

- I need to go.

- Move. Move.

- Get back here. We're not done.

No, goddamn it! Stop!

- Get off me. Get off me.

- Paul!

- Oh, yes! - Stop. Please.

- Let's just talk about this.

- I saw it with my own eyes.

- Stop it!

- Nothing happened!

- Nothing happened!

- Your brothers can't fight for sh*t.

- No.

It's kind of embarrassing, actually.

- Will you two get in there and stop this?

- Are you kidding? This is amaz... Ow!

- Stop fighting me.

- Get him off of me!

If it gets to the point where I think you're

being idiots, you're probably being idiots.

- Stop. Stop it. What's going on?

- He kissed my wife.

- No, I didn't.

- No, he didn't.

Paul. Nothing happened.

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