This Is Where I Leave You Page #8

Everybody's sad or angry...

...or lying or cheating.

I think Quinn's pregnancy

is just freaking you out.

Yeah, it's freaking me out.

Three months ago I had a great job and a nice

apartment and I was in love with my wife.

- No, you weren't.

- No?

No. She was sleeping with somebody else

for a year and you never noticed.

How in love could you have been?

Yep.

That's fair.

Sure like to think I could still do that,

though, with someone.

That I can just find someone

and fall in love and have it last.

That seems impossible to me right now.

Love causes cancer. Like everything else.

But it's still love. It has its moments.

I had a moment with Penny the other night.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Really?

Starting to do complicated.

You proud of me?

Well, I don't know. How does it feel?

Complicated.

I mean, that's the gist of it.

But, you know.

Anyway. How you doing, Uncle Joe?

- This is Trish.

- Hi, everyone.

By the way, we're sleeping together.

- Mazel.

- Ha-ha-ha.

Mom. Why is Paul allowed to miss this?

- Trish is a nurse.

- Retired.

He had a call.

She still wears her uniform sometimes,

if you take my meaning.

- Honey, I think the baby's waking up.

- The baby's in the kitchen with Linda.

- Oh!

- Then who am I hearing?

- Are you hard? Are you hard?

- Jesus Christ, Annie.

Put it in me.

- Oh, crap. I left the baby monitor on upstairs.

- I'll get it.

There you go. Sorry about that, everyone.

- Put your dick in me.

- Where was it before?

Oh, do it. Do it, Paul.

- Turn it off.

- Turn it up?

- Stop talking, sweetie.

- Turn it up.

- It feels so good.

- Stop talking.

Come on, people. It's just sex.

- Sweetie.

- What?

- Shut up.

- Okay.

- He just told her to shut up.

- Okay, he's slowing down.

No, this is good. He's too fast anyway.

It's the circle of life, everybody-

Let's go, Altman's.

Yes. I can feel you. I can feel it.

Yes. You're so hard.

- Come! Come now! Coming! Come!

- Ha-ha-ha.

Linda, thank you.

There we go. There we go. Oh, do it.

It has a backup battery.

- Put a baby in me, Paul.

- That's a nice feature.

Shove a baby up there! Shove a bab...!

Oh.

- What is wrong with you?

- I'm ashamed.

Save money, everybody.

Free of charge. Enjoy.

It was just incredibly awkward,

and it just didn't stop.

Oh, my God. And everybody heard?

Yeah. I like when you laugh.

- I like that you like it.

- Yeah.

You know that this is the worst possible

time this could be happening, Penny?

I know, but...

...I'm gonna kiss you anyway.

You're so good at that.

- You're very easily pleased.

- Is that a crime? You should try it sometime.

- Hello.

- Judd. Something's wrong. I'm bleeding.

What do you mean, you're bleeding?

How much?

A lot. I'm gonna lose this one too.

I don't know what to do.

I'm gonna hang up.

I'm gonna call an ambulance.

I want you to stay calm. Okay?

I'm gonna hang up right now.

Hi, there is a pregnant woman having problems

at the Renaissance just off Route 100.

She's in Room 346.

Yeah. Okay.

Yes, this number's fine. Thank you.

- Quinn's pregnant?

- Yeah.

And it's yours?

You gotta go.

Penny, this is something I wanted...

No. It's fine. There's a pregnant woman.

She's bleeding. You gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll talk to you tonight.

Hi. How you doing? Are you okay?

- There's no heartbeat.

- There's no heartbeat?

- I can't believe this is happening again.

- Take it easy.

- Nothing is happening again. Okay?

- I deserve this. I do. I ruined us.

- Please. We're not doing that here.

- Quiet.

What's that?

- There's your baby's heartbeat.

- Okay.

All right.

Baby was just in a weird position, huh?

- Mm-hm.

- Okay.

That's our baby.

Hey, I got here as quick as I could.

My GPS was... Sorry about that.

- Are you okay?

- Oh. Yeah.

- Mm-hm.

- You had me so scared.

- Oh.

- Made a couple calls, huh?

You all right? What happened?

Hello, hello, hello. Dr. Rausch.

- Mr. and Mrs. Altman?

- I'm Mr. Altman.

And you are?

That's just a guy

that Mrs. Altman was f***ing.

- Uh-huh.

- In my bed.

Judd, please, not now.

You just walk out on everyone at the station,

grow a beard and now you're a smart-ass?

Wade Beaufort. It's complicated.

Well, I'll simplify it.

Both of you get out of my exam room.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You got us kicked out.

- And you too, sir.

- Here we go.

- I'll be in the waiting room.

So.

That should do it, right?

I didn't sign, because I think my wife...

Or the patient should sign right there.

There you go.

Is that where she should sign?

I'll just leave that here.

Don't be a goddamn baby, Judd.

I extend an olive branch,

and you're gonna pitch it in the trash?

You're not gonna stay with her. We know that.

The only person that doesn't know is Quinn.

That's what's gonna happen? You're

clairvoyant? You know what's going on?

I don't need to listen to your crap.

- You don't know what you're talking about.

- It's the Man Up guy.

What's up, dudes? You don't know me.

What are you talking about?

Is there another waiting room

with more chairs?

- I don't know you?

- No.

I've been with you for seven years.

Don't tell me I don't know you.

And I know you'll f*** just about anyone

who'll have you.

That's interns. That's sales reps.

That's sponsors.

So don't tell me you're not already drawing

up plans for the quickest exit.

You're logging all the ass I'm crushing,

and I'm the perv?

Hey, fellas. We got some young boys here.

Scoutmaster. Park it.

We're in the middle of something.

I didn't f*** her

any more than she f***ed me.

- It takes two to tango, all right?

- That's a separate situation that I'll deal with.

- That's a party for two.

- Don't worry about her. We're talking about you.

Take this discussion outside.

- Sorry.

- What's going on, Judd?

- Listen to me. She f***ed me.

- Yeah, I heard you the first time.

- Stop it, you guys.

- Judd.

Really? Look who's gonna man up now.

Everybody just be quiet!

Now, we just are all gonna

just take a beat here.

I'm not fighting.

Who the f*** are you coming in here

with this middle part at your age...

...barking orders at everyone?

Who the hell am I?

I'm Wendy Altman, b*tch.

- Ow. Sh*t.

- That's what happens.

Yeah. That's a f***ing princess cut.

You f***ing clown.

- Are you kidding me?

- Dick.

You have your p*ssy...

You have your sister hit me?

Yep. And I got her purse.

Oh, yeah,

walk me out because I'm so dangerous.

Like, a mother of two

with diapers in my purse.

Here's the parking lot. Thank you.

I can find my way now. Thank you.

- Great work, officers.

- Nice hats.

Oh. I just got a great idea.

Let's stop acting like crazy people.

- Yeah. I agree.

- I'm gonna get the car.

That's a nice parking spot, huh?

Is that Wade's car?

- That's one of his cars. He's got a few.

- He has a few?

Think he's compensating for something?

Yeah. For having too much money.

You know,

I heard the baby's heartbeat in there.

That's great.

Right?

I'm gonna have to forgive her

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