This Is Where I Leave You Page #7

Closest he could get was like,

he would, um...

...press his forehead against yours.

- I know.

- Like this.

Let's do it.

- Yeah, intimacy was not his thing.

- This is intimate.

Get away from me. You got one eye.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- And I can't handle that.

- You're f***ed up.

- That's true, but...

You know the other day

when we were doing the memories of him?

I couldn't come up with one single memory.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

And now you're gonna be a dad.

- Just like Dad.

- Poor kid.

I know you're going through a lot

of complex sh*t right now...

...and granted, this is coming

from the family screw-up...

...but I just want you to know

I'm on your side.

You know, whatever that means...

...I'm on it.

Thanks, Phillip.

Guys, what the hell?

Um...

- Cannabis?

- You're late for class. Please.

Swing low

Sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

Please stop that. Come on.

Swing low

Sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me

Home

Oh, man. I used to be so much fun.

I don't know what happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I stayed.

Man, you guys, you went off.

You had your little adventures.

And I held down the f***ing fort.

Because somebody had to,

and now I'm not fun anymore.

- Do you wanna tell him, or should I?

- No, I got this.

You were never any fun.

- Really?

- Paul, I love you to death, but you sucked.

Mm-hm.

I was constant, at least.

- Constant click.

- Thank you.

Oh, sh*t. We should get going.

Mom sent me to get you guys a while ago.

We're in temple, for chrissake.

How much trouble does she think

we're gonna get into in temple?

That is the fire alarm.

That is the real fire alarm.

So as a community, let's all get

up and make our way to the exits.

Right by the reader. Let's go.

This probably isn't gonna

go over very well.

Everything is fine.

I'm sure it was a false alarm.

- Just blend in.

- Where would they have gone?

Ah... Oh, my God.

- We got it.

- What did you do?

No. Nobody did anything.

We put it out.

Hose got away from us, though.

- You guys smell like a dorm room.

- You got high in temple?

No, no, no, please, Mother.

- We knocked out a fire.

- Who's hungry?

- We got it.

- What the hell, Phillip?

Phillip had nothing to do with it.

- It was probably electrical.

- It wasn't electrical. Is that weed I smell?

Was everybody smoking weed?

You smell the fire.

Mom smelled the same thing.

Yeah, I did. I smelled it.

It's not fire. It's weed.

You guys were smoking weed, right?

- You'd know.

- Heh.

You know what? How about you just head out

before the cops come, okay?

- Smart. See you back home?

- Thanks, Boner.

- You rock.

- I swear to God. Don't touch my balls.

And secondly, stop calling me that.

That was the very last time

you'll ever call me "Boner."

- Boner, God's watching.

- Oh, my God.

- Your bones are, like, hollow.

- Get off of me.

- You're so easy to manipulate.

- You're so strong.

- I'm sorry, Boner.

- Come on.

Oh, my God, you guys are so going to hell.

Do we believe in hell?

Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead.

I was just taking a nap, Mom.

What's everyone doing?

Hi.

I'm not your mom.

Annie, what's going on?

I feel so bad about how I reacted

when I found out that Quinn was pregnant.

A simple apology will do.

Get your clothes back on. Put those away.

- I have been trying to have a baby for years.

- Don't go crazy on me.

I take my hormones every day.

My eggs have tested fine.

- I don't like where this is going.

- Paul won't get his sperm tested.

- No, don't start digging around in...

- Be my friend.

- What are you doing, Annie?

- It will be our secret.

- We'll never know if it was you or Paul.

- You just crossed the line there.

You've lost your mind.

You've lost your judgment.

- I'm tired, Judd.

- Okay.

I'm tired of needles. And ultrasounds.

- I'll bet.

- And having my heart broken every month.

- Uncle Judd!

- Sh*t.

- Off, off, off. Goddamn it.

- Sh*t.

Give me the b... Hi.

I'm making a pishy and a poopie.

Okay. Good. Good.

And we were just, uh, getting warm.

Aunt Annie was super cold

and now she's all set.

And Uncle Judd's gonna go get a snackie.

Judd, I'm...

I don't know how else to explain this to you. If

the deal falls apart, it's my ass on the line.

- You had a death in the family.

- Four days ago.

I have to go to London and close the deal.

Why are we even having this fight?

- I can't even fight with you. I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God.

- I have to go to London.

- Unbelievable.

I cannot be gone for seven days.

You mean you can't be here

for seven days. What are you doing?

- Sorry?

- Why are you skulking?

I'm just, uh, you know...

There it is. I'm looking for gum.

Sorry. Continue.

- I gotta go, baby.

- Jesus Christ. Just go.

Stop doing a little play

about how you have to go and go already.

That's so sweet of you. Thank you.

- Hey. Judd, can I ask you something?

- Yup.

She doesn't really care that I'm leaving,

so why is she busting my balls?

Uh...

Well, maybe she does care.

Heh. I'm an a**hole, Judd. I'm not stupid.

Take care.

You too.

- Hi.

- Hi.

No Barry?

Barry's gone.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

Excuse me.

- Yes.

- You're so not fine.

You know, sleeping with your shrink does not

technically make you a relationship expert.

Yeah. But I am an expert in you.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

You raised me.

You're the voice in my head.

Not Mom. It's not Dad. You.

- Really?

- Yeah.

And sometimes I just wish

you would shut the f*** up.

What do you want'? What do you want?

I just want you to know

it's okay to be fine.

That you deserve to be fine.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Will you carry this?

Oh, God.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, how dare you. That is not cool.

I will pants you from up here.

- You do not get to say I'm heavy.

- No more pizza.

Don't make me stand

next to your girlfriend for seven days-..

...and then f***ing say I'm heavy.

Hi, Judd. Look.

I am really sorry about the other day.

I just hope that you?! come by and see me.

I'm in Room 346. So please, uh...

Bye.

Morning.

Do you ever sleep?

Heh. Not lately.

So.

Horry, huh?

Are you surprised?

The single advantage

of being me nowadays...

...is it's very hard to surprise me. So no.

- I'm not Quinn, Judd.

- I know.

- Please don't look at me like I'm Quinn.

- I'm not.

This is different than your thing.

This is not like your thing.

Heh. I get it.

We were so in love, Judd.

And now he's alone.

He's, like, permanently alone.

And Barry is just...?

I will never love Barry

the way that I loved Horry.

And I will never love anybody else

like that. Ever.

I would not do that to Horry.

Is it the whole world, or

is it just this family?

You and Barry. And me and Quinn.

And Phillip and Tracy. And Paul and Annie.

No one is happy.

The one person that's got it figured out

in this family is Cole.

You know, he sits on that can and he

takes his dump, and he's super happy.

- Ha, ha.

- You show me one happy adult.

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