This Is Where I Leave You Page #2

- I don't think Dad...

- Stop it!

This was your father's dying wish,

and you're negotiating?

He was not a perfect man or a perfect father,

but he sure as hell was better than most.

- Mom...

- No!

Your father had one final request,

and we are gonna honor it.

It's gonna be hard,

it's gonna be uncomfortable...

...and we're gonna get

on each other's nerves.

But for the next seven days,

you are all my children again.

And you are all grounded.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

Yup. Any particular seat?

- I'll take her.

- No. No, I got her.

- She's fine. - She's exhausted.

- She should get a nap.

Judd, Paul.

Shh.

You need to put a baby

in that woman yesterday.

I'm working on it.

- Have you had your man parts checked yet?

- Come on, not now, Wendy.

Because you may have emptied them

over the years.

My room was next to yours.

My room was next to yours.

Well, this is great. I can tell it's gonna be

a really good experience for all you guys.

So I'm just gonna let you sit here

for a bit.

- Thanks.

- Reconnect. You got it.

I will be back later... Dude, don't.

Stop it.

...To make sure that nobody gets hurt.

Phillip.

Take care. I'll see you guys soon. Be good.

What's that? What are you writing?

What? Oh, I'm just jotting down

a few thoughts.

- Oh, God help us.

- Relax. It's not about you.

- It's always about us.

- Tell that to my shrink.

- Fine. Satisfied?

- Great. Thank you.

What happens now?

We haven't been together for ages,

so why don't you just take some time...

...you know, to catch up?

And b*tches out there don't faze me

You gonna get that?

A ho is a ho

A b*tch is a b*tch is a b*tch, so

Thanks for the music.

Maybe you got a vibrate switch

on that thing. Just an aside.

Hey.

Are phone calls allowed?

What? Oh, no, no, no. No, we're

just sitting in an awkward silence.

She's here.

And by "she" he means...?

What's going on? What's happening?

Who is that? Is that his lawyer?

Is Phillip in trouble again?

When is he not in trouble?

- Okay, that's not his lawyer.

- Oh.

Why not? It would be so like Phillip

to be doing his lawyer.

Let's go.

Go. Go.

- He's coming.

- Everyone.

- This is Tracy.

- Ha, ha.

- Hey, Tracy.

- Hi. Hi. Hi.

- My fiance.

- What?!

- Oh, boy.

- Engaged to be engaged, actually.

Oh.

I'm so sorry to be meeting you all

under such sad circumstances.

I'm making a poopie.

- Oh. I love doing that.

- Okay. We are on the goal line.

London just keeps moving

the goalposts back.

That's Barry. He's a bit of an ass.

- Phillip.

- It's okay. He can't hear us.

- This is my brother Judd.

- Hi. Pleasure.

- My sister, Wendy.

- Hi.

Oldest brother, Paul.

- His wife, Annie.

- Hi! Tracy!

- Welcome to the family! You're gorgeous!

- Thank you.

Get out while you still can. Heh-heh-heh.

Funny story. Annie used to be

Judd's girlfriend, back in the day.

Phillip, that's enough.

And this, of course, is my mother,

Hilary Altman.

Mrs. Altman.

It is a tremendous honor to meet you.

Your book, Cradle and All,

was a really important book for me.

- Agh.

- Heh-heh-heh.

My children are not very proud

of my life's work.

All right. Not now, Mom.

Every kid in Paul's class knew that he

used to jerk off with an oven mitt.

- That never happened.

- It happened.

Every guy I met expected me to put out.

You had a very healthy sexual curiosity.

Which you documented in detail

after reading my diary.

- Secrets are cancer to a family.

- Oy.

Well, Cradle and All was the inspiration

for my dissertation.

So I would like to think that your family's

dysfunction helped me to get my Ph.D. Heh.

- Tracy is also a therapist, Mom.

- I gathered.

- Heh.

- She was my therapist, actually.

Naturally, once we realized we had feelings for

each other, I referred him to a colleague.

- Naturally.

- Look, Daddy, a T.

- That's great, sweetie. Go show Mommy.

- Poopie!

- Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you?

- Don't yell at him!

- Well, he threw sh*t on me!

- He's 3 years old, you a**hole.

- Where are the wipey things?

- "Where are the wipey things?"

Coming out of my ass.

There wasn't a lot of liquid,

so the rug's gonna be fine.

I got a conference call.

What do you want me to do?

I'll get the paper towels.

I hope you're still on

this call, I swear to God.

To clarify, today does count

as one of the seven, right?

Okay.

Hmm.

A bulging disk. Pretty common, actually.

We were married for...

So, Paul, no children yet?

No, no kids. We're working on it.

Someday, maybe.

Phillip, you're all grown up.

What do you do now?

Well, I run an alternative-fuel think tank

in D.C.

Isn't that something?

It's a bulging disk.

It's pretty common, actually.

- Hmm. Hmm.

- Usually in men, though, right?

You do see it mostly in men,

but she's pretty active.

She's real active.

Well, I'm managing a small, small,

very private equity fund.

Mostly small... Hey, Molly.

Mostly small cap, emerging markets.

All that good stuff.

- Paul, you got any kids?

- No, no kids yet. One day, maybe.

We made love on our first date. In his car.

Behind the Texaco station.

Oh, sh*t. She's telling the Texaco story.

Mort left the air conditioning on.

By the time we were done,

the battery was dead.

We had to call my father to come

and give him a jump start.

Maybe they wanna hear

about his hobbies.

The stuff that's going on

in fossil fuels is just really sexy.

God, the passion, the creativity,

the angles.

- Jesus Christ.

- "Angles"?

- Mort knew his way around a woman's body.

- Mother.

- And the sheer size of him. Circumference.

- Mom.

- I don't mind telling you, the man was hung.

- That should've been the headstone.

Clearly, she lost more than a husband. Hmm?

Anybody need anything from the kitchen?

No, it's true. I mean, I

miss him and I miss it.

- Hi.

- Hi, Judd. I'm just trying to make some space.

Hmm. Well, I'm gonna sneak out for a drive.

I have a feeling Mom

is just getting warmed up in there.

The talking helps.

Jerry died 20 years ago...

...and I still find ways of randomly

working him into conversations.

Like right there, for instance.

How come you never found anyone else?

Boy. That was very rude. I apologize.

It'd be a terrible mistake

to go through life...

...thinking people are the sum total

of what you see.

Linda, I'm an a**hole. Just forgive me.

- You get a free pass this week.

- Thank you.

And thank you for taking care of Mom

these past few months.

I'll bet she would've been a

mess without you. Thank you.

Why don't you swing by the store

and pick up Horry?

I don't like him walking home in the dark.

He gets confused sometimes.

Sure.

- Side door. Clean getaway.

- Mm-hm. Heh.

Horry. You need a ride?

Hey, Judd.

Judd Altman.

- Oh, my God.

- Is that Penny?

I'm so sorry about your dad.

I should've come today. I'm sorry.

I have a thing with funerals.

I'm afraid I'll start laughing or bawling or

say something inappropriate, so I don't go.

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