Three Men in a Boat Page #5

or not being used to the high living

which upset him.

For myself...

Well.

I don't know when

I've ever enjoyed a meal more.

Jolly good, a bit rich.

It's given me a bit of a tippy jummy.

Who's for a drink and a stroll?

How about you, Harris?

Harris said he'd row us over

and stay behind on the island

to settle his stomach, as he put it,

with a toddy or two.

Might have a little drink

to settle my stomach.

You won't fall asleep, will you?

And so, George and I

went for a mooch around.

Must tell Harris we saw a church.

And a pub.

- Very nice pub.

- It was the best.

The finest.

I mean,

in all my years of visiting pubs...

In my entire experience

of bending the elbow...

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

GEORGE:
He's a card, old Harris.

JEROME:
Harris! Harris!

It had been arranged

that we were to shout when we returned,

and Harris would come over

from the island to fetch us.

Harris!

Do you remember which island it was?

They all look the same, don't they?

How many are there? I mean, do you know?

There are only about four.

We'll be all right if he's awake.

(JEROME EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Harris!

Harris!

- Harris!

- Harris!

Harris!

Harris!

You'd think the dog would hear.

- Harris!

- Harris!

JEROME:
Harris!

GEORGE:
Monty!

That's it! I'm going to stay

exactly like this until the morning.

I don't know where we are,

I don't know where Harris is,

I'm going to die anyway,

I'm not going to move any more.

(BARKING IN DISTANCE)

Hang on, what was that?

(BARKING GETS LOUDER)

- Harris? Harris?

- Harris?

- Harris!

- Harris!

What's the matter?

He's asleep.

What happened to you?

Swans.

Swans?

I had to fight them off.

There were eight of them all around me.

- How many?

- Terrible battle,

fighting 14 swans.

- How many?

- Eighteen.

Fought them for three hours

with the oar. Can you imagine it?

Fighting 32 swans?

You said 18 just now.

No, I didn't. I said 12.

Think I can't count?

JEROME:

What shall we have for breakfast?

Something plain. Very, very, very plain.

What was all that last night

about swans?

What swans?

(CHUCKLING) Never mind.

It's my turn to steer.

You two take the sculls,

it's about time you and J

did a bit of work for a change.

Ha! Fancy George talking about work.

- Have you ever seen him work?

- Certainly not on this trip.

I don't see how you'd know,

you're asleep half the time.

Have you ever seen Harris fully awake

except at mealtimes?

Honesty compels me to say no.

- Well, I've done more work that you.

- You could hardly have done less.

Oh, J thinks he's the passenger.

So, that's your gratitude to me

for bringing you and your wretched boat

all the way up from Kingston?

And supervising everything?

And slaving away over you?

Well, it's not more than I expected.

- Supervising? Oh, that's very nice.

- I've done the share of the work.

Thank you, headmaster, very much,

for coming on the trip.

(ALL ARGUING)

- Get out of the way...

- It's about time I...

I'm putting the banjo

in its proper place.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

It was finally agreed that Harris

and George would scull up past Reading,

and I would take the boat from there.

We were evidently

becoming old river hands.

MAN:
Call this hard work?

Why, only last season Jim Biffles,

Jack and myself

pulled all the way from Marlow

to Goring in one afternoon.

Never stopped once.

Do you remember that, Jack?

You can always tell an old river hand

by the way he likes to

give others a chance.

MAN:
Catch the wind, too.

HARRIS:
One can't help but deplore

the way the river's abused

by young pups and doddering old fools,

with not the faintest conception

of boatmanship.

JEROME:
Yes. They're absolutely

without sensitivity

to the moods and dignity of the river.

(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING)

GEORGE:
Not to mention

spooning nincompoops

who think the place is

some kind of floating tea dance.

- What are you doing?

- Don't shake it!

(CLAMOURING)

(SCREAMING)

There are grounds, in my opinion,

for banning girls from the river

altogether unless properly dressed.

Boating costume is very fetching

on a pretty girl, though.

JEROME:
Yes, well,

I've got nothing against girls as such.

HARRIS:
Like Christian martyrs every

time a drop of water goes near them.

- They're awfully useful on picnics.

- No, they're not.

Ask them to wash a plate,

and it's as though they've been asked

to pick rags on a corporation tip.

No, you have to be firm with them.

Get them to hitch up their skirts.

What do you think you're doing?

God save us from London landlubbers.

You shouldn't be allowed in the river.

Once a year,

and I've never heard of such a thing.

Get out of the way.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Oh, I mean, it's really ridiculous.

You don't know what you're...

- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

I was ready to take over the sculls

at Reading, as we had agreed.

(HORN BLOWING)

All right! All right!

They think they own the river

with their money and their trollops.

London landlubbers!

- J!

- Well, Max!

(ALL LAUGHING)

There we are.

I say, this makes a nice change.

I prefer it myself to rowing.

From Mapledurham to Streatly,

the river is glorious.

You pass Hardwick House,

where Charles I used to stay

and play bowls.

And when Cromwell's sails were sighted

downstream, he calmly continued...

Oh, no, wait a minute,

I think I've got that wrong.

Sorry. He did play bowls, though.

Now, you just put your hands...

That's it. A little there...

Perfect.

Now, this is to play it...

And this one's to strum...

Do you see that church?

The mortal remains of Jethro Tull

lie buried in that ground.

- Remember him?

- Not altogether.

Really? I'm surprised.

Very great man in

the world of agricultural mechanisation.

It's not the world

with which I'm most familiar.

George, the inventor of the sea drill

lies yonder.

Good heavens. That's it.

Oh, hello. This is my... banjo.

It's quite simple, really.

Now, here's a thing.

Gate Hampton railway bridge.

One of Brunel's three brick bridges

across the Thames.

- George?

- Yes.

Brick railway bridge.

J doesn't want you to miss it.

JEROME:
Goring Gap.

Very interesting.

Many years ago, the Chilterns

and the Berkshire Downs formed

a continuous ridge across here.

- Which is the interesting part?

- About Goring,

there was a huge lake with a river

flowing in the opposite direction.

I suppose it was old Brunel who had it

all changed for his railway, was it?

No, no, no, you fool.

I mean millions of years ago.

I think I'll go and talk to George.

MAN:
Steamboat's coming.

MAN:
Hey, get out of the way,

bloody idiots!

Get out!

It's really most annoying

the way these wretched little boats

get in one's way.

Something ought to be done about it.

Get out of it!

Can't you see we're trying to get past?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

My friend's launch

cast us off at Abingdon.

Harris claimed

he wanted to stretch his legs.

Which church?

- St Helen's.

- Which memorial?

Mr Lee.

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