Threesome

The word "deviant"comes

from the Latin roots...

de, meaning "from"...

and via, "the road. "

One who wanders

from the road or gets lost.

One who separates from the crowd.

Of course nowadays it refers to someone

whose sexual practices are abnormal.

This is the story

of Stuart, Alex and me...

and how, for a while,

we became deviants...

in both senses of the word.

Don't do it!

It's a trap! Run away!

It's been said that anyone

who wants to live in a dormitory...

must either be a mental defective

or a freshman.

I was neither.

I was a junior transfer student...

and I thought living in a dorm

couldn't be that bad.

I've never been quite that wrong

before or since.

- Hi.

- Hi. Eddy Howe.

I think I'm supposed

to sign something.

Yeah, here you go.

- Here.

- Thank you.

- Here's your key, and there you go.

- Where do I go?

- Upstairs.

- Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Fresh meat.

- I saw him first.

Who are you?

I guess I'm your new roommate Eddy.

I thought they were gonna let me

keep the twin as a single.

F***!

It's nice to meet you too.

What I quickly realized

about Stuart...

was that he lacked that part

of the brain which would stop him...

from saying things that might be

offensive to other people.

I also realized that we couldn't

have been less suited as roommates.

- Fore!

- But we managed to get along.

In fact, there developed a bizarre

equanimity in the relationship.

A balance.

I showed Stuart how to make his bed

with hospital corners...

Lick the salt, drink the drink,

suck the lime. One, two, three.

and in return

Stuart taught me how to drink.

I wrote Stuart's

English papers for him...

and he bought me dinner.

I cleaned the bathroom...

and he took care of the laundry.

Sometimes he borrowed

things of mine...

and sometimes I borrowed

things back.

You think it's real funny, don't you?

How's this? Ready?

Stuart would be quiet

so that I could study...

and I gave him time alone

to socialize with friends.

This delicate equilibrium

in the relationship...

was soon upset by an arrival.

The other room in the suite,

a single, had remained empty...

until one day.

Whoever he is,

he isn't very friendly.

But we soon met.

Stuart, did you go to class or just

stay in bed and masturbate all day?

You know, I've been...

Would you please get outta here?

It's a coed dorm.

What's the problem?

It's coed within the building.

It's not within the rooms.

So?

So the polite thing for you to do

is go down to the housing office...

tell them there's been a mistake, and

they need to get you boys new rooms.

No, we were here first.

Besides, it's your fault.

Why didn't you use Alexandria

or whatever your full name is?

Alex is my full name.

- It sounds like a man's name to me.

- I think it's lovely.

Wow, she's amazing.

Truly amazing.

Amazing grace

It's not Grace. It's Alex.

Amazing Alex

" Hendrickson, Alex. Male. "

I'm a female. Trust me.

According to our files,

you're male.

Okay...

let's just suppose for a second...

that I'm a female.

What would happen then?

I'd have to put you

on the transfer waiting list...

and your name would probably

come up in eight to twelve weeks.

There's a severe housing shortage

in the area.

- Would you consider living off-campus?

- I can't afford it.

I can put you on the transfer

waiting list...

but I'll need official verification

that you are indeed a female.

Next.

It's only temporary.

I mean, till I can find something.

I just... I'm not asking anyone

to do anything silly...

like put down the toilet seat.

I'm just asking that when you're done

voiding your bowels, you flush.

After we're done

"whating" our "what"?

She means flush after you take

one of those big dumps, moron.

Is that what you mean?

That's a shame.

I'm so proud of those.

You know, in some countries,

the size of a man's crap...

is a sign of his masculinity.

She avoided us.

What was it

that kept her away?

I just love the smell

of her dirty panties.

For some unknown reason,

Stuart was confident she'd come around.

I need to talk to you.

Yes, Alex?

If you don't stop

eating my yogurt...

I know it was you...

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

You make murder sound

so sexual, Alex.

Get that crap to go.

I wanna work on her.

She doesn't like you, all right?

When's it gonna penetrate?

As soon as you go away, maybe.

Now wrap it up and get it

to go quickly. Go now.

Eat sh*t now.

- One, two, three.

- Don't do that.

- Go. Get out of here.

- You're a neanderthal. You know that?

- I know that.

- No, you're really growing.

You're growing as a person.

That's important.

- You should show Alex that.

- Will you get outta here?

No, I have to order

another slice of pizza.

I think there's a danger

in our being overfriendly.

How can we be overfriendly

if we aren't even friendly?

He's got a point.

That's a great book.

You're gonna love it.

I've read it four times.

You know, I've often felt like

the main character, Holden Caulfield.

No, you're not Holden Caulfield.

He's Stradlater,

the obnoxious roommate.

The one that thinks he's a stud and

borrows Holden's coat without asking...

and stretches it out

and doesn't apologize.

It's a good book.

I always felt like

the little sister.

- Phoebe?

- Yeah.

Have you read Franny and Zooey

or Nine Stories?

Yeah. They're not as good, though.

You know, one time my mom...

She actually metJ D Salinger.

- Really?

- She threw up on his front lawn.

Really?

Yeah, she was on vacation

in Maine with her best friend...

and they met these two sailors

who were in port for the night.

They got really drunk

and these sailors took them out.

Before long, Alex and I were

wrapped in conversation...

and Stuart was not.

Look, I wasn't trying to horn in

on your situation, okay?

I'm not interested in her anyway.

Whatever.

I don't want to talk about it.

Sorry.

Gimme your toothbrush.

- Why?

- Give me your toothbrush.

- I don't want to.

- Gimme the goddamn toothbrush!

I would not have spilled

my father's blood...

or listened to those

who called me my mother's wife.

And now I am God-shunned...

the daughter of a mother defiled...

and I have taken my turn

in my mother's bed.

If there is any tragedy

greater than all others...

it belongs to me.

Pretty awful, huh?

I just don't understand

why anybody would do...

a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.

I thought it was good.

- You did?

- Yeah. I really liked it.

Stuart, you don't have to worry

about hurting my feelings.

I know it was a piece of crap.

I thought you were good.

I thought everybody was really good.

- I liked it.

- What'd you think?

The translation was bad.

Direction was nonexistent.

Somebody should call the acting police

on a couple of those actresses.

Costumes looked like

a bad night at Caesar's Palace.

Other than that,

I thought it was great.

You were wonderful.

You made the best out of your part.

I agree with all that.

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