Threesome
- R
- Year:
- 1994
- 89 min
- 1,516 Views
The word "deviant"comes
from the Latin roots...
de, meaning "from"...
and via, "the road. "
One who wanders
from the road or gets lost.
One who separates from the crowd.
Of course nowadays it refers to someone
whose sexual practices are abnormal.
This is the story
of Stuart, Alex and me...
and how, for a while,
we became deviants...
in both senses of the word.
Don't do it!
It's a trap! Run away!
It's been said that anyone
who wants to live in a dormitory...
must either be a mental defective
or a freshman.
I was neither.
I was a junior transfer student...
and I thought living in a dorm
couldn't be that bad.
I've never been quite that wrong
before or since.
- Hi.
- Hi. Eddy Howe.
I think I'm supposed
to sign something.
Yeah, here you go.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- Here's your key, and there you go.
- Where do I go?
- Upstairs.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Fresh meat.
- I saw him first.
Who are you?
I guess I'm your new roommate Eddy.
I thought they were gonna let me
keep the twin as a single.
F***!
It's nice to meet you too.
What I quickly realized
about Stuart...
was that he lacked that part
of the brain which would stop him...
from saying things that might be
offensive to other people.
I also realized that we couldn't
have been less suited as roommates.
- Fore!
- But we managed to get along.
In fact, there developed a bizarre
equanimity in the relationship.
A balance.
I showed Stuart how to make his bed
with hospital corners...
Lick the salt, drink the drink,
suck the lime. One, two, three.
and in return
Stuart taught me how to drink.
I wrote Stuart's
English papers for him...
and he bought me dinner.
I cleaned the bathroom...
and he took care of the laundry.
Sometimes he borrowed
things of mine...
and sometimes I borrowed
things back.
You think it's real funny, don't you?
How's this? Ready?
Stuart would be quiet
so that I could study...
and I gave him time alone
to socialize with friends.
This delicate equilibrium
in the relationship...
was soon upset by an arrival.
The other room in the suite,
a single, had remained empty...
until one day.
Whoever he is,
he isn't very friendly.
But we soon met.
Stuart, did you go to class or just
stay in bed and masturbate all day?
You know, I've been...
Would you please get outta here?
It's a coed dorm.
What's the problem?
It's coed within the building.
It's not within the rooms.
So?
So the polite thing for you to do
is go down to the housing office...
tell them there's been a mistake, and
they need to get you boys new rooms.
No, we were here first.
Besides, it's your fault.
Why didn't you use Alexandria
or whatever your full name is?
Alex is my full name.
- It sounds like a man's name to me.
- I think it's lovely.
Wow, she's amazing.
Truly amazing.
Amazing grace
It's not Grace. It's Alex.
Amazing Alex
" Hendrickson, Alex. Male. "
I'm a female. Trust me.
According to our files,
you're male.
Okay...
let's just suppose for a second...
that I'm a female.
I'd have to put you
on the transfer waiting list...
and your name would probably
come up in eight to twelve weeks.
There's a severe housing shortage
in the area.
- Would you consider living off-campus?
- I can't afford it.
I can put you on the transfer
waiting list...
but I'll need official verification
that you are indeed a female.
Next.
It's only temporary.
I mean, till I can find something.
I just... I'm not asking anyone
to do anything silly...
like put down the toilet seat.
I'm just asking that when you're done
voiding your bowels, you flush.
After we're done
"whating" our "what"?
She means flush after you take
one of those big dumps, moron.
Is that what you mean?
That's a shame.
I'm so proud of those.
You know, in some countries,
the size of a man's crap...
is a sign of his masculinity.
She avoided us.
What was it
that kept her away?
I just love the smell
of her dirty panties.
For some unknown reason,
Stuart was confident she'd come around.
I need to talk to you.
Yes, Alex?
If you don't stop
eating my yogurt...
I know it was you...
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna f***ing kill you.
You make murder sound
so sexual, Alex.
Get that crap to go.
I wanna work on her.
She doesn't like you, all right?
When's it gonna penetrate?
As soon as you go away, maybe.
Now wrap it up and get it
to go quickly. Go now.
Eat sh*t now.
- One, two, three.
- Don't do that.
- Go. Get out of here.
- You're a neanderthal. You know that?
- I know that.
- No, you're really growing.
You're growing as a person.
That's important.
- You should show Alex that.
- Will you get outta here?
No, I have to order
another slice of pizza.
I think there's a danger
in our being overfriendly.
How can we be overfriendly
if we aren't even friendly?
He's got a point.
That's a great book.
You're gonna love it.
I've read it four times.
You know, I've often felt like
the main character, Holden Caulfield.
No, you're not Holden Caulfield.
He's Stradlater,
the obnoxious roommate.
The one that thinks he's a stud and
borrows Holden's coat without asking...
and stretches it out
and doesn't apologize.
It's a good book.
I always felt like
the little sister.
- Phoebe?
- Yeah.
Have you read Franny and Zooey
or Nine Stories?
Yeah. They're not as good, though.
You know, one time my mom...
She actually metJ D Salinger.
- Really?
- She threw up on his front lawn.
Really?
Yeah, she was on vacation
in Maine with her best friend...
and they met these two sailors
who were in port for the night.
They got really drunk
and these sailors took them out.
Before long, Alex and I were
wrapped in conversation...
and Stuart was not.
Look, I wasn't trying to horn in
on your situation, okay?
I'm not interested in her anyway.
Whatever.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry.
Gimme your toothbrush.
- Why?
- Give me your toothbrush.
- I don't want to.
- Gimme the goddamn toothbrush!
I would not have spilled
my father's blood...
or listened to those
who called me my mother's wife.
And now I am God-shunned...
the daughter of a mother defiled...
and I have taken my turn
in my mother's bed.
If there is any tragedy
greater than all others...
it belongs to me.
Pretty awful, huh?
I just don't understand
a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.
I thought it was good.
- You did?
Stuart, you don't have to worry
about hurting my feelings.
I know it was a piece of crap.
I thought you were good.
I thought everybody was really good.
- I liked it.
- What'd you think?
The translation was bad.
Direction was nonexistent.
Somebody should call the acting police
on a couple of those actresses.
Costumes looked like
a bad night at Caesar's Palace.
Other than that,
I thought it was great.
You were wonderful.
You made the best out of your part.
I agree with all that.
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"Threesome" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/threesome_21855>.
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