Throw Momma from the Train Page #3

So... they swap murders.

- Swap murders? (laughs)

- Each fellow does the other's murder.

Then there's nothing to connect them.

Each one has murdered a total stranger.

Like... you do my murder, I do yours.

Your wife, my father. Crisscross.

Some people are better off dead.

Each one has murdered a total stranger.

They swap murders.

You do my murder. Crisscross.

I do yours.

They swap murders. Crisscross.

Crisscross.

(Beth) "Choo-Choo Charlie said

to himself:
I think I can. I know I can. "

"He opened up his throttle and pushed

and pulled and pushed and pulled...

.. and it spluttered some more

and then... and then he... and then... "

- How's that blockage problem?

- All aboard!

- (Beth) Woo-woo!

- (phone rings)

(Beth) No, no. Don't. Don't.

- I'm buying a gun, Owen.

- You must wonder what happened to me.

- Uh... no, not at all.

- I saw that movie.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I know now what you tried to tell me,

Professor Donner.

- Oh, good.

- Crisscross.

(Momma) Owen!

- I'll call you in a few days, pal.

- Take your time, Owen. OK?

- Bye.

- Owen!

- Coming, Momma!

- Who were you talking to?

- I just called the weather.

- You were talking to a machine?

Two minutes ago

you were my agent, and now...

Larry, I'm sorry.

That's the way the mop flops.

After seven years I get

"That's the way the mop flops"?

Larry, you must feel like this is

the lowest point of your entire life.

Arnie, what are you doing?

Don't bend the fern. Fluff it!

How, as a human being, can you give up

on somebody after seven years?

Larry, this is a whole other agency.

Besides, you've never written anything.

What about Hot Fire?

This may be a tad bit disturbing, but

we've just signed your wife on as a client.

Get me a doctor, Joel.

I'm having a heart attack.

The book sold two million copies! Arnie...

But I wrote that and you know that!

Arnie knows that!

Margaret couldn't write

her name in the snow!

Larry, for seven years I've given you

assignments. I've made your deals.

And for seven years

you didn't want to "compromise your art"!

Oh, boy. It is just like an agent

to think that a writer can't be an artist.

- Don't change the subject. Where was I?

- You were letting me go.

Thank you.

For four years you've been writing

a novel no one has ever seen.

So you get the shaft from your wife.

It's another excuse for not writing.

Well, go ahead, Larry! Go! Go to Mexico!

Write your heart out! Andele, arriba!

But I handle writers, Larry, not artists.

You go be an artist.

Let the rest of the world make a living.

Here. It's my favourite fuchsia.

Live and be well.

That's the house. This is good here.

- I'll be right back. I'm gonna visit my aunt.

- OK, bro.

- (object drops)

- Oh, sh*t.

( Hawaiian music)

Why, Mr Lopez.

Can I borrow that... towel?

My big Chihuahua.

- Oh!

- (Mr Lopez growls)

(Margaret laughs)

Grrr! Ruff, ruff!

Ruff, ruff! Ruff! Grrr!

(phone rings)

Ruff, ruff, ruff!

- Ruff! Ruff!

- (Margaret moans)

(phone still ringing)

- Ruff, ruff!

- Hello?

Oh, hi, Joel. It's my agent.

- Ruff!

- My agente.

How's LA, darling?

Oh, nothing much. I'm having

a little trouble with the... gardener.

- Ruff... ruff...

- What sound, sweetie?

Oh, that's the... the TV.

- Ruff! Ru-ruff!

- Uh... Old Yeller.

Yes, I know they shot him in the end.

Huh? Yes, darling.

I'm aware of the book signing

tonight... in Maui.

I'll be there. Kiss, kiss.

(growling and moans ofpleasure)

(motor starts)

- (toots horn)

- Bye, Mr Lopez.

( Hawaiian music)

Last boat to Maui!

This is my first trip to the islands.

(sings along with music)

Oh!

Oh, my God!

(scream merging with laughter)

The night...

.. was... n't.

Oy.

There's probably halibut right here

who could write better than me.

Boy. The night was...

If you got a line, fish, just yell it out.

I'm up for grabs.

- (engine fails to start)

- Perfect.

(sighs)

(faraway phone ringing)

(phone still ringing)

What about Brenda Lee?

You like Brenda Lee?

- The jockey?

- No.

(ringing)

- Cloudy.

- (Owen) Aloha.

- What?

- I said aloha.

- Hello.

- Professor Donner?

- Hello?

- Hello!

- Hello.

- Professor Donner, stay by the phone.

I don't want 'em

to be able to trace the call.

(dialling tone)

(groans)

(phone rings)

- Who is this?

- Professor Donner?

- Aloha! Hello!

- Who is this?

It's Owen!

- Owen?

- Yeah, from class!

What do you want?

It's done. You want anything from Hawaii?

- Hawaii?

- Wiki-wiki.

Aloha 'oe

- What are you doing in Hawaii?

- Crisscross. You know.

Owen, I'm hanging up on you now.

Oh, yeah, right! I got ya!

Boy, are you smart!

(phone rings)

She didn't feel a thing.

I know how important that is to you.

- Who?

- Your wife.

She had a little trouble walkin',

but that was from the gardener.

- You saw my wife?

- She was kind of a tart, Larry.

But I can see why you married her.

She was very beautiful.

Owen, you stay away from my wife.

(Owen hangs up)

(phone rings)

Did you hear what I said, Owen?

You stay away from my wife.

- I told you, it's done. Nobody saw.

- What the hell are you talking about?

Crisscross, like in the movie. Done!

Owen, what the hell

did you do to my wife?

I... I don't wanna say on the phone.

All I can tell you is

that I killed her last night.

(dialling tone)

My God! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(phone rings)

Owen, what the hell did you do?

Tell me the truth.

Meet me tonight at 7.30 at

Mulholland Drive and Cahuenga Pass.

- We'll discuss your end ofthe bargain.

- What are you talking about?

- You gotta kill my mother.

- Kill your mother?!

7.30, Cahuenga Pass. Crisscross.

- Owen, I...

- (Owen hangs up)

Crisscross... Criss...

Holy sh*t. He did it.

He did it! The little bastard did it!

He killed my wi... No, he didn't do it.

He couldn't poss... No, he didn't do it.

I'll call her up, call her up on the phone.

She'll answer the phone,

I'll hang up, and she won't be dead.

That's it and that's all.

(phone rings)

Come on, come on, Margaret. Answer

the phone. Answer the phone, Margaret.

Why the hell isn't she

answering the phone?

Because she's dead. That's why

she's not answering the phone.

You don't answer the phone

when you're dead!

They're gonna think I did it.

They're gonna think that I did it!

Why would they think that I did it?

Because I hate her guts!

That's why they'll think

that I did it. My God...

I have no alibi.

Lester! I was with you yesterday! Lester!

- I was with you yesterday, right, Lester?

- Right. And now I'm with Ms Gladstone.

I left the club at one.

I couldn't have done it!

That's right. You couldn't have done it.

Close the door on your way out.

I couldn't have gone to Hawaii and back

in that time. So what am I worried about?

That's what I'd like to know. Hawaii

and back? No way, man. You're cool.

Well... Now, if he left the club at one,

he could catch the three o'clock flight.

You could be in Hawaii by five,

given the three-hour time change.

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