Thunderpants Page #5

to ask him to help them.

He was working really hard

to save the spacemen...

...on space station Icarus.

He couldn't tell me

because it was a secret...

...but he really wanted to.

There is a breach in the hull...

...where the meteorite shower

hit last week...

What happened next was destined

to change my life for ever.

We decided that we should

stage a rescue mission.

But the sub-engines

on the rescue rocket...

...have suffered

a severe malfunction.

Some of our boys are up there,

Mr Smash.

And they're dying.

Patrick, you know

you have two stomachs.

Yeah.

Well, the clever people here...

...think that you can help

the astronauts.

Can you help us, slugger?

Am I going to be a spaceman?

Yes, Patrick.

You're going to be a spaceman.

(phone rings)

- Yeah?

- Mr Smash is here, General.

Thank you, Annie.

Johnson.

So this is he?

Thank the sweet lovin' Jesus

that you're here, son!

The boys and girls...

...at Space Control

have calculated

...that we have

a 24-hour window...

...in which to launch

a rescue rocket.

You're a fruit, son.

Fruit, sir?

The good Lord has looked down

from on high...

...at those astronauts,

and has shed a single tear.

The single tear

has fallen to the earth...

...and nursed a tiny seed.

The seed became a sprout,

that sprout has borne a bud...

...that bud has

brought forth a fruit!

You're that fruit, son.

Praise God!

- Now, we have got work to do.

- Come on.

(Tannoy) Flight crew

to Test Bay Four.

Repeat. Flight crew

to Test Bay Four.

Mr Smash, it is my duty

to inform you...

...that what you are

about to see is classified.

Category triple A clearance.

Son, I gotta tell ya...

...behind these doors

is the secret...

...of the USSC family.

A family I sincerely hope

that you will soon join.

- Alan.

- Yes, sir.

This is your show.

- You take it from here.

- (clears throat)

(electronic voice)

Scanning. Scanning.

Agent Johnson J Johnson.

You are clear to enter.

(Tannoy) Control room crew,

prepare for guidance verification.

Come on, Patrick.

Let me introduce you

to my team.

The best of the best.

Hello, everybody.

Patrick, the guys.

Welcome aboard, Patrick!

This is a proud moment

for us all.

Patrick, this is Jose.

Everything OK, Jose?

I'm sorry, Patrick, but

I'm trying to explain something...

...to those idiots

in Launch Control.

They screwed up the inertial

platform failure procedure...

...and they have misinterpreted

the launch telemetry.

They're driving me crazy!

Calm down, Jose.

We'll sort it out.

Why don't we ask

the grown-ups to help?

(giggling)

- (clear throats)

- Don't you see, Patrick?

There are no grown-ups

in research and planning.

We make the decisions here.

The grown-ups of the USSC

are on a constant search...

...throughout the world

to seek out children with gifts.

That's why they came

and found me.

And that's why

they found you, too.

- But all I can do is fart.

- Exactly, Patrick. Exactly.

(children) Mm-hm.

This is the design of the

revolutionary new jet engine...

...the prototype for which...

...was built into the rescue rocket.

But the engine coupling...

...was fused

with the booster housing!

(tuts) That is

my father's department.

And this is a computer model

of your stomachs.

You see, you have that

revolutionary new engine...

...there in your shorts, Patrick!

Jose worked

on the module coupling.

Yes. You will sit in this harness,

above the boosters.

We call it the Thermo Diaper.

(Alan) Thunderpants III.

I have harnessed

the full potential...

...of your flatulence...

...and enhanced it exponentially.

You're going to launch

the rescue rocket.

You're going to launch

Thunderpants III!

So that was it.

I was going to launch

that rocket.

I was going to save

the astronauts.

I was going to be

a spaceman.

My dream had come true.

It was the best day

ofmy life, ever.

(sighs) I...

That boy in there

has no stamina, no dexterity...

...no strength and no experience.

He's failed all the mental and

physical tests in our lexicon.

How are we gonna make

this thing work, Ed?

That child is a tool, Johnson.

A tool, sir?

A fragile tool which the good Lord

has chosen to deliver to us.

It's up to us to use it wisely...

...and use it well.

That boy in there...

...has got the hopes and the fears

of the American people...

...in his goddamn shorts.

Amen, Ed.

Amen.

(General) It's showtime, boys.

Show me what you got.

(Tannoy) Please stand by

for primary ignition test.

Patrick, give it a quick burn.

Check out the hardware.

Roger.

Wilco, Alan.

(fart dies out)

- Wow.

- Holy Mary, mother of God!

- Hot dog!

- Some power you got down there!

(Tannoy)

Launch in T minus 30 minutes.

Flight crew to Gantry Five.

Son, may I shake your hand?

You've eaten...

...every leaf vegetable

and every bean product...

...within a ten-mile radius

of this place.

You've done a 12-year training

course in two and a half hours.

And you possess the most

powerful tooter I ever saw!

Whoa!

You got a heart of gold, son...

...you've got

the constitution of an ox.

And you've got pants of thunder.

Godspeed, Patrick Smash.

Thank you, Mr Ed.

Knock 'em dead, skipper.

Thank you, Mr Johnson.

What am I, Patrick?

You're the cleverest one of all.

And I'm proud. Good luck!

(cheering)

(TV) As the rescue rocket

points to the skies...

...the world can only wait

and hope...

...and pray that they've found

a way to lift that craft...

...those tons ofequipment,

that metal, plastic...

Hold on.

Hold on. They...

There is movement there.

There is definitely

something going on...

...near the command centre.

Uh, it seems...

- That's Patrick again, look!

- Patrick! Look!

...a very small man is...

It's... It's a boy!

A... A boy astronaut...

...ofmaybe nine or ten.

A buggy is making its way

across the tarmac.

But now...

...now we can see

a group approaching...

...walking towards the boy.

One ofthe men is, um...

...um, is...

shaking the boy's hand.

The eyes of the world are on you,

Patrick Smash.

We all admire you.

God bless you

and God bless America.

Thank you, Mr President.

Good luck, son.

(President) The boy's a miracle.

(children chatter)

Gentlemen,

what have you got?

Electrical systems

are go, sir!

Life-support system

on line, sir.

Ignition systems

on line, sir.

Methane filters engaged.

Cooling systems

are green for go, sir.

Sulphur boosters

are on line, sir.

Expansion chambers

are primed for influx.

There you go, sir.

(radio) Flight pressurisation

is under way.

We have a green light...

...as the main engines, uh,

as we prepare for ignition.

(chatter, phones ring)

Sir, I was running through

the launch sequence again...

...and I've, uh,

I've come across a problem.

It seems that 20 seconds

into the launch...

...it's possible we might lose

communication with the rocket...

...followed by a shutdown

of life-support systems...

Cut to the chase, Foster.

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