Tig Page #4

from starting to try and have a child.

Here's your hand smiley faces.

Great. Thank you.

See, it does look like...

That is pretty.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

When my mother died,

I switched into this mode

of not wanting kids,

'cause I was thinking,

"My mother can't meet my kids."

It seemed pointless.

And then I was talking to my friend

that I grew up with,

and she said, "Tig,

just the fact that you could tell

your kids about your mother,

or the fact that you could see your mother

in your kids,

that's reason enough to have children."

People always...

When I say I want kids,

they always say, "Oh, my--

Your life is gonna totally change."

And I'm like,

"Yeah, I know.

It's not like I haven't

thought about that."

Like, "Oh, I thought I could just sleep in

and go do open mics at night.

I'm gonna have to watch these things

or feed them?

What do they need?"

Uh...

Of course my life is gonna change.

That's what I want.

I want my life to change.

But now, because I've had cancer,

I can't carry a child.

So I have to have

a surrogate carry my child,

if I can even have a kid.

But even to have my eggs extracted,

I have to take hormones.

They think they got it all,

but there could be cancerous cells in me.

And if there are cancerous cells in me,

and I take the hormones,

that's the gas on the fire.

It starts it up again.

I was moving in the direction

of trying to have kids.

Okay.

And to extract the eggs,

they want to do hormones.

Even after a mastectomy,

- breast cancer risk is not zero.

- Mmm.

When it comes back

outside of the breast,

it's considered not curable.

Having a child may be something

to reconsider.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, sometimes in life

we don't always get what we want.

Right.

I didn't know that.

I was told that my cancer could come back,

that the concern would be

blood or bone or lung, or whatever,

but nobody said if it comes back,

it's not treatable.

That's the first I'd heard of that.

That's not like,

"Oh! Yeah, that meeting went well.

That feels good."

Okay, so I'll just hope my cancer

doesn't come back. Great.

I feel just stuck,

not knowing how to make a choice.

I don't sit at a computer

and write my jokes.

I write a word down

and then I'll go on stage

and I work out the concept on stage.

It was truly starting over.

I felt like I was a brand new comedian.

You guys know

that song "Rapper's Delight"?

It's a classic song,

and I was listening to it.

I don't know if you realize,

that song is 15 minutes long.

Holy sh*t, that's, like, so long.

I'm performing for the first time,

doing stand-up,

in six months, since my Largo set.

Six months is a long time

to have not gotten on stage.

If you wanna do 20 minutes,

you're welcome to.

If you wanna do 30, you can too.

It really doesn't matter.

If I get scared and leave,

that's fine too?

Yeah. You do two, that's totally cool.

What about one? What if I leave now?

- Don't leave now.

- Okay.

I'm gonna go back and--

- But I'll introduce you.

- Okay.

- Thanks, Tig.

- Yep, thank you.

I was nervous 'cause nothing in my life

was funny or good for so long

and I didn't feel hilarious,

but I just was like,

"I have to do this."

Where's the...

How do I get on the stage?

There's two doors,

it's the one on the left.

- It's just this door?

- Yeah.

- And then I'm on stage?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh. Easy.

- Yeah.

Please welcome right now

to the stage, Tig Notaro, everyone.

Good, good, good.

Um...

Gosh,

I don't know what to say.

I had some cancer.

I did, I had some cancer.

Um...

I, uh...

I've made a lot of jokes over the years

about how flat-chested I was.

And I had breast cancer,

and I often think, you know,

"Did they overhear...

all of the joking?"

And were just like, "You know what?

She does not appreciate us."

"Do you hear her?

She's doing it again.

Yeah, now we're in Kansas City

and now she's telling them.

We've been flying all over this country

and she's just being so rough on us.

You know what? Let's get out of here."

I had to just go

through the motions and...

It was so embarrassing

when I would stop into a club

and wanna get on stage,

and after all of the press of my album,

people would introduce me and say,

"Boy do we have

a special treat for you tonight."

And I was like, "No! No!

I have no material," you know.

"One of the best comics out there."

No. I don't have--

I'm just trying to walk on stage again

and hold a microphone.

Oh, gosh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here tonight,

once again we have, Tig Notaro is here.

I'm really nervous right now.

I feel like I am going to, uh...

just wrap up now.

Thank you so much.

You guys are such a great audience.

I was walking in, um... New York.

I'll work this out on my own time.

This is my own time.

This is my time.

I'm on fire right now.

I'm trying to make things right.

So...

You guys seem to really laugh

at the cancer stuff.

The material, it's barely there.

So I'm basically showing up and, uh...

scrambling.

It's embarrassing.

I struggled a week ago on stage

like I hadn't in years.

And what it did do

was put a fire under me,

'cause I was like, "I'm horrible.

I'm horrible at what I do these days,

so I need to work on this."

Patient risk of infection,

hemorrhage, drug reaction,

anesthesia reaction,

blood vessel inflammation.

And then initial at the bottom.

Injury to other organs,

neurological reaction, other risks.

It's such a weird feeling

to be reading something that's like,

"This could happen, including death."

And you're like, "Okay."

No problem.

Whatever it takes.

Out we go.

I want to be cremated.

Get your will in place.

Tig, stop it.

It does not say that.

- How painful is this?

- Not too bad.

It's in.

What, am I gonna back out

and not do this?

I would live with regret.

You either live with regret or you die.

What are you gonna choose?

You're gonna choose death.

Fun way to start your day.

Keep going.

Go in fast?

You can do it.

Not too fast but...

- How far in?

- All the way in.

Ugh.

Oh, God, this is horrible.

I don't know if I can do this.

All the way in.

There you go.

Push.

All the medication in.

Ow!

Had some emotional days.

I was in the hotel room

in Saint Paul and, uh...

I had what I thought

was the funniest, saddest moment,

'cause I was alone

in a hotel room in Saint Paul,

injecting my stomach

with fertility drugs.

And in my brain...

this voice went, "You know

you're single when..."

You know, there I was,

alone in Saint Paul,

injecting myself,

hoping to have children.

Like, wanting to,

like, build a family,

but the hormones

making me emotional

to where I wanted

to throw myself out of a window.

So, it was such a funny cycle that,

"God, what if I killed myself

in the process of trying to have a child?"

You're doing awesome.

What that means is,

basically you've done

eight days of shots.

Mmm-hmm.

You're supposed to have

16 to 20 millimeter follicles

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