Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted Page #2

when we caught him.

And I said, "Hi.

Um, you know

who you look like, right?"

And he said,

"Santa Claus."

And I said, "Yes."

I said, "My friend and I

are making a video

and we wanted to hire you

to be in it."

He hands me

his business card

and as he's driving off

I look at it

and it said his name

at some very

conservative church dot-org.

And I said, "Oh, man.

This guy is not gonna get

into a bathtub with you."

Or maybe he will.

So we drive off

feeling defeated

and then I start thinking

about that video from earlier.

And I started laughing.

And I asked him

to pull the car over

to play it back for us

and he said, "Why?"

And I said,

"Because I feel confident

that we captured

the most ridiculous

footage

since the beginning

of time."

And then he

started thinking about it

and then we were

both hunched over

laughing so hard,

hyperventilating,

crying,

trying to push each other

away from each other.

We were laughing so hard,

we both became ugly people.

And we still hadn't even

seen the video yet.

And then he pulls

the car over

and he presses play

and you don't see that woman

off in the distance.

It's like she was never

a part of this.

The second he pressed play,

the only thing

that you see...

is a boat of a car

driving past us

and a man turning...

and you hear me

earnestly...

yell, "Oh, my God,

it's Santa Claus!"

And you see my hand

just dart up into the video.

And then you hear my friend,

a full-grown man,

yell, "Oh, my God,

do you think he'll talk

to us?"

And then it just

shuts out.

If anybody came across

that video footage

with zero backstory,

it truly appears

as though two

full-grown buffoons...

thought that they

saw Santa Claus.

And what is my friend's history

with Santa Claus...

that his response...

would be,

"Oh, my God, do you think

he'll talk to us?"

Just an entire lifetime

of him running up to Santa

only to be met with...

But Santa--

I love everybody's

little laugh noises.

My favorite laugh noise

is, um, the sigh

after the laugh.

The...

( sighs )

( laughs )

( sighs )

'Cause it's like

you're reminiscing

about one second ago.

( laughs )

( sighs )

Remember one second ago?

( sighs )

Yeah, that was

a good time.

Yeah.

My other favorite

laugh noise

is the pig snort.

You know, when somebody

is just really enjoying

themselves.

and then...

( snorts )

Because I'm always curious,

is that something

they decided to do?

Like a calculated decision.

Or are they

just as surprised

as we are...

...when a pig snort

flies out of their face?

I like to think

it's the other option

where they're just like,

"You know what?

I have been laughing...

and smiling...

and clapping

all night,

but I still feel

like she doesn't get...

how much I get her.

Think I'm gonna go ahead

and snort like a pig.

Yeah, this, uh--

this story she's telling,

this is actually

one of my favorites

I was telling--

oh, hold on one second."

( snorts )

"Love your stuff."

( snorts )

My dream situation

is actually the--

at the end of the night

when the lights go on

that there is an actual pig

in the audience.

Just out on the town,

pantless,

clanking its little

cloven hooves together.

Sitting on

its little curlicue.

Comes up to me

at the end of the night,

"Hey, um, that was me."

I, uh-- I can't laugh,

so I snort.

Sure, I can talk...

but I wanted to say

I really liked that part

earlier

when you were talking

about having little pigs

on your pants.

Anyway,

I don't wanna keep you,

I just-- I really

just wanted to say...

I just wanted to say

pig fan, pig fan.

Boston, that's

a terrible joke.

I'm sorry.

( laughs )

Sorry, I'm just up here

being a ham

and I-- I'm sor--

that's too much,

you're right.

( chuckles )

Too many puns

eventually becomes

a "boar"

and I don't wanna--

don't shake your head

at me.

I will reimburse you.

I am sorry.

I'm originally

from Mississippi.

- Man:
Whoo!

- Um...

( audience laughs )

Settle down, everyone.

I'm originally

from Mississippi

and, um, my fiance

- is, um...

- ( audience cheering )

Thank you. Um...

- He is from...

- ( audience laughs )

Okay.

She was raised

in Los Angeles

and New York

and I invited her

back to Mississippi

to spend the holidays

with me and my extended

family.

And before the trip,

she said, um,

"No offense, but..."

And I said, "Yes,

what is this flattering thing

you're about to say?"

She said, "When I picture

people from Mississippi,

I picture them barefoot."

Thank you.

And I said,

"Okay, I get it, but, um,

my family is civilized.

They have homes

and jobs

and shoes,

but I hear ya."

So I was down there

hanging out before she arrived,

and when you fly in

to visit my town,

you fly in

to the New Orleans airport.

And all 11

of my family members

piled into a van

to drive into

the French Quarter

to hang out,

wait until she arrived.

And I finally was like,

"Oh, yeah, she's gonna be

landing soon.

We gotta go."

All 11 of them

piled back into the van

with their beers--

I don't know if you know,

but it is legal down there

to have open containers

in vehicles.

They all get in.

They also brought

a cooler

iced down

with extra beer

just for the drive

to the airport.

I offered to be

the sober driver,

not that anybody

in my family cared

either way.

They were just like,

"Okay, nerd."

So we pull up curbside

at baggage claim

and I get out and say,

"I will be right back."

I go in, I find her.

We're walking out

chatting.

She looks up...

and she said,

"Is that your family?"

I look up

and all 11 of them

have gotten out

of the van.

They're smoking

and drinking,

they're waving wildly,

so excited to meet her.

They've pulled the cooler

out onto the sidewalk.

And they were barefoot.

After walking around

the French Quarter all day,

they took their shoes off

on the drive to get her.

So there I was...

...having to say,

"Yes,

that is

my civilized family...

...that I told you about.

There they are

in all of their glory."

So we have the holidays,

Christmas, whatever,

she and I are driving

out of town together

and, uh,

I asked her if, uh--

a couple years ago

my mother passed away

and we buried her

in our hometown in Mississippi

and I asked if we could

go visit her grave.

And she said of course.

And just to back up

a little more,

when my stepfather and I

were driving away

from the funeral,

he told me,

"When your mother died,

they were offering

a really good deal

on burial plots.

I ended up getting six

for a thousand dollars."

He said,

"I got one for your mother,

I got one for me,

I got one for you,

I got one

for your brother,

and then I got two extras."

Man:

Whoo!

I said, "That is serious

bargain shopping

just to toss in

two extra burial plots."

And he said, "Well,

I thought I would

get those

in case you or your brother,

if you had partners one day."

And I said,

"Oh, well, thank you,

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