Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted Page #3

but still..."

So my girlfriend and I

pull up to the graveyard,

we get out of the car...

we walk over,

we're standing there.

She's looking around.

She said,

"This is really beautiful."

She said, "So is it just--

is it just this right here?"

And I said, "Well..."

( exhales )

"That's the thing, um...

When my mother died,

they were offering

a really good deal.

Six plots

for a thousand dollars.

So my stepfather...

my mother,

she's just buried right here,

but he got hers,

and then one for him,

he got one for me,

he got one for my brother.

And then, um...

He got two extras...

...in case we had partners.

So, um...

I guess, um...

I guess that's where

you'll be gay buried.

Barefoot in Mississippi,

just like you always

imagined."

She thought it was

some twisted marriage

proposal.

After my mother passed away,

I was diagnosed

with bilateral breast cancer,

um, but I have not

told anybody yet.

( audience laughs )

You're the first people

to find out.

Wow, that's

a very cold response.

( sighs )

I ended up having

a double mastectomy,

and, um,

before my surgery,

I was already relatively

flat-chested.

And, uh, I made so many jokes

over the years

about how small

my b*obs were

that I started to think

that maybe

my b*obs overheard me...

and were just like,

"Pfft.

You know what?

We're sick of this.

Let's kill her."

I'm always thrown off

by the clapping.

Whoo, take her down!

I did a show

where this woman

sat front row

with her arms crossed

shaking her head at me.

And I said,

"Is there something wrong?"

And she said,

"You should end your jokes

with 'I'm just kidding.'"

Oh, right, right.

I don't know

why I never thought

about that.

That is a great idea.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not kid--

I really did have cancer,

I just-- I don't really

think that my b*obs

were conspiring

to kill me.

That I'm kidding about.

( sighs )

Yeah.

Oh, we remember.

Before I had

my double mastectomy,

I, um-- I would sometimes

be mistaken for a man.

And, um, that's fine.

But then after the surgery,

it went up a bit.

I was going through security

at the airport

and, um...

they said,

"Female assist,"

which means they have

to have a female officer

pat me down extra.

And so this woman

comes over

and she comes in,

just--

and I didn't have

reconstructive surgery.

I just--

she was like...

( audience laughs )

She didn't feel

a boob or...

a bra or anything.

And she said,

"Hold on a second."

And she walked

only maybe this far away.

And she whispered something

to the other officer.

And I just heard him say,

"Yes, I'm positive."

( audience laughs )

So she comes back over

and she's like...

But this time she stopped

before she touched me

and she looked up...

at my face...

She really took it in.

But apparently,

that was not helpful

at all.

- And she said,

"Hold on a second."

- ( audience laughing )

She walks back over

and whispers something again

to the officer

and he just says, "Yes."

And the thing is,

I knew exactly

what was happening

and I knew that

all I needed to do

was speak...

and then she would know

that I was female.

But I just did not

- wanna help her out...

- ( audience laughing )

- Man:
Whoo!

- ( audience cheering )

...at all.

I was enjoying

the awkwardness so much.

I just loved

standing there like...

She finally came back over

and said, "You're good."

And I walked off saying,

( imitates deep voice)

"Uh, thank you. Thank you

very much."

Oh, my gosh,

you guys are so nice.

I, um...

- have really been s--

- ( audience catcalls )

- Do not tempt me.

- ( audience laughs )

- I will do it.

I will-- I will...

- ( audience cheering )

Guys-- guys, no.

( audience cheering )

Of course I'm not gonna

take my shirt off on my sp--

( audience groans,

cheers )

- ( man whistling )

- No.

( audience cheering )

Woman:

Whoo!

So...

( man whistling )

I'll tell you,

I, uh--

I am afraid to fly

and I-- I am.

Sure, laugh all you want,

but I--

I'm very afraid to fly

and I went on a plane

that seated maybe only

six people.

And you c--

it was so tiny

that you could only

kind of crouch

to get through

the plane.

And, um...

oh, my God,

it was so small.

And once we got

to our cruising altitude,

we're flying along

and the pilot,

who's just sitting

right there,

he's just like,

"Hey, how's it going?"

And, um...

( laughs )

You do your thing,

I'll do mine.

He gets out of his seat

and just is like,

"Let me show you

where the emergency

toilet is."

And I said,

- "I'll decide where

the emergency toilet is."

- ( audience laughing )

"How about here?

How about this is

the emergency toilet?

Or how about right here?

This could be the emergency

toilet.

How about anywhere I decide

is the emergency toilet?

This entire flight

feels like an emergency.

Just one huge emergency toilet

flying through the air.

Now go sit back down,

you joker.

Don't you worry

about the emergency toilet."

I love on, um,

commercial flights

when, um, you're seated

in the emergency exit row

and the flight

attendant's like,

"You know,

just wondering

if in the event

of an emergency,

you'd be willing

to help out."

And I'm like, "Pfft...

Totally.

If you need anything,

you come grab me.

But I was just wondering

if maybe we could

wait and see

what kind of shape

I'm in

after the plane plummets

30,000 feet.

'Cause I don't even know

if I'm gonna be sitting here

anymore.

But absolutely,

you come grab me

if you need anything."

Are they really

gonna hold me to that?

Where's that woman

from 12 E?

Where's that guy

from 12 E?

Nah, he said

he'd help us out.

I'm just off in the distance

gathering my own body parts.

Did somebody

need something?

I did give a verbal

confirmation, so...

Carrying my own head

in my hand.

Yeah, just let me know

what I can do for ya.

Oh, man, flying, huh?

( audience cheering )

I've been traveling

around so much

and, um,

I've noticed

in the States--

I haven't really

noticed it so much

overseas anywhere,

but in the US

I've noticed

these signs

showing up

at public pools.

And, um, I'm sure plenty of you

have seen these,

and they say

that you cannot

go swimming

if you have diarrhea.

Raise your hand

if you've seen these signs.

Yes, these are

actual signs.

And my question is

how frequently

was this happening?

But, more importantly,

how confident of a person

do you have to be...

to be like,

"Oh, man.

Oh, man."

( exhales )

"I do not feel well.

Doctor said I should

definitely stay home.

Stick near the toilet.

- But you know what?"

- ( audience laughs )

"I'm gonna head down

to the public pool.

Go swim around.

With full blown diarrhea."

They're just like,

"Hey!

Out of the pool!"

Me?

Yeah, you can't swim

with diarrhea.

Oh, so this

is a problem?

Yeah, gotta get out

of the pool.

Listen...

if you don't want me

swimming

with diarrhea,

then you're gonna need

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