Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted Page #4

to hang up a sign.

Otherwise, there's just

no possible way...

( chuckles )

I would know better.

So until that goes...

Thank you so much.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not-- I'm not leaving,

I'm not leaving.

I have a weird delivery.

- It...

- ( audience laughing )

I've had it my whole life,

my whole career.

Sounds like I'm leaving,

but I'm just saying

thank you.

It's kind of like you guys

really got that, thanks!

( sighs )

I have a gift for you all.

Uh, something that brings me

a lot of joy in my life.

I wanna give it to you

so that you can experience

the happiness

that I do.

I love...

sending text messages

to friends of mine

at random times

of the day

that just say,

"What's your ETA?"

I just love knowing

that somewhere across town

somebody is half-naked

frantically rifling

through emails

and text messages

trying to figure out

what they agreed

to do with me.

And they write back,

"What?"

And then write back,

"Yeah, we're all seated.

Better hurry."

And then they write back,

"Where?"

And then don't respond.

Ever again.

Cut them out of your life.

Delete them from your phone.

Just move on.

It was time.

It was time

and you both knew it.

- Thank you!

- ( audience laughs )

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much

for coming out tonight.

( sighs )

I've been doing stand-up

for almost 20 years now

and... every show

I've ever done...

whether it was

a coffee shop,

an open mic,

a sold-out theater,

a college,

a club,

every single show

I've ever done,

- I've gotten

a standing ovation.

- ( audience laughing )

Oh, sure,

laugh all you want.

Even in Vegas

I got 14

standing ovations.

You might be thinking,

"I had a good time tonight,

but not like--

not 'standing ovation'

good time."

Everybody thinks that.

Everybody thinks that

and then sure enough,

the show ends and everyone

jumps to their feet

and they're yelling,

"Tig!

We love you!

This is the best comedy show

we've ever seen in our lives."

And I'm just like,

"I'm just a person.

Please be seated."

And they won't.

And that goes on

for three minutes

every single time.

So I'm just giving you

a heads up what's to come.

( audience laughing )

I love music.

( audience laughing )

I've never detected

a punch line there.

Maybe I should

listen more.

( man laughing loudly )

Sounded like a cartoon character

showed up.

( imitates laughing )

I like your style,

ha, ha, ha!

That was funny,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I can barely take this,

I'm laughing so hard.

Ha, ha, ha!

That's all I wanted,

to laugh.

I do-- I do love music

and, um, I would constantly

write down all the lyrics

to every Beatles song.

Like put the record on,

take the needle off,

and write the lyrics down,

put the needle back on.

Just every song.

Obsessed.

And my grandmother ended up

having Alzheimer's

and she collected anything

that we touched growing up.

And towards the end of her life

when I was an adult,

she called me

into her bedroom.

And she pulled out

this box and this paper.

She said,

"You wrote this for me

- when you were little."

- ( audience laughing )

And it was

"When I'm 64."

And I had to sit there

and take credit...

for a Lennon

and McCartney tune.

I was like, "Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that one."

( chuckles )

"You like that, huh?

If so, I have a huge catalogue

of other--

other songs

I think you might like."

In sixth grade,

I took a music class

and, um, we were lectured

about anywhere

from The Who

to Beethoven.

We played instruments,

we read books.

And at the end

of every session,

the teacher

would always ask

if somebody had

a favorite song

they wanted to play.

And I always brought in Beatles

and Rolling Stones songs.

And one day,

the coolest kid

in the entire school--

his name was J.D.--

- and he came...

- ( audience chuckles )

Oh, that's funny to you?

That is a child's name.

A child that is 44 now,

but it's still a child's name.

What is your name?

- Chris.

- Chris.

- The coolest kid

in the entire school...

- ( audience laughing )

was named Chris.

How does that feel?

Doesn't feel good,

does it, Chris? No.

J.D. came up to me

after class

and he said,

"If I bring in

one of my dad's

Rolling Stones records,

will you tell me the coolest

song on the album to play?"

And I said, "Pfft...

No question."

The next day,

J.D. brought in his dad's

Rolling Stones album

"Let It Bleed."

And I looked it over...

and I picked this song

and said,

"This is the coolest song

on the album."

And it was

"You Can't Always Get

What You Want."

And he said,

"Are you positive

that this is

the best song,

the coolest song

on the album?"

I was like,

"Man, I couldn't be

more positive."

And then the teacher asked

if anyone had brought in

their favorite song to play.

And J.D. raised his hand

and she called on him.

And that's when everybody

in sixth grade

heard the coolest kid

in the entire school

play this.

I saw her today

at the reception

- J.D. was like,

"What the hell is this?"

- ( audience laughing )

And I was like,

"No, no, it gets better."

I knew she would meet

her connection

At her feet

was a footloose man

No, you can't always get

what you want

You can't always get

what you want

You can't always get

what you want

But if you try

sometime

You'll find

You can get

what you need...

- And then the bell rang.

- ( audience laughing )

- Boston, thank you so much.

- ( audience cheering )

You're such a great

audience.

What?

I told you.

Please, be seated.

Please, be seated.

I'm just a person.

I'm just a person.

Touch me.

I'm just a person.

Please, be seated.

Please, be seated.

No, I'm just a person.

Touch me.

Thank you so much,

really.

Just two more minutes.

Please, be seated.

I'm just a person.

I'm just a person.

- That person said,

"I know, I know."

- ( audience laughs )

What do you mean,

"you know"?

"I know."

Nobody's

shaking their fist.

Boston.

Settle down.

I'm just a person.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night.

( music playing )

( music ends )

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