Tig Notaro Happy To Be Here Page #2

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So I saw her across the living room,

and I just thought, "You know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and meow at Fluff."

So...

I looked her right in the eyes and...

I says to her, I says...

Why do people talk like that?

To say "I says to her" is improper,

and then

to add on top of that "I says..."

It's like, "Get outta here!"

Anyway...

I says to her, I says...

"Meow!"

And Fluff was like, "No way!

How is this just now coming up?"

She'd never been around another cat,

and so I think she thought

she had made up her own language

which consists of one word,

which, of course, is "meow,"

and she uses it for everything.

And here I was fluent the entire time.

She was stunned...

just as stunned

as a little kitten could be...

Her mouth agape...

her little paw in the air...

her little microphone...

Then, she meows at me, she meows...

Here's the thing.

Let me explain something.

I told this story once,

and Stephanie heard me.

And she said, "After you say...

'I says to her, I says,'

you should say,

'She meows at me, she meows.'"

And I said, "Oh, that's not funny."

She said, "No, I think it is."

And I said,

"You do your thing, I'll do mine."

And she said, "No, just please try it."

And so...

I did a show one night...

and I tried it.

It bombed.

I did it the night after,

it bombed again,

And then after that second show,

I was just like, "All right, that's it.

I'm doing this every night."

So she meows at me, she meows...

"Meow!"

Then I says to her, I says...

"Meow..."

We're going back and forth,

having the time of our lives...

and then Stephanie...

leans out of the kitchen and says...

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"What?"

"You don't know what you're saying to her.

It could be rude...

or inappropriate."

No, I think Fluff and I are clear

on the fact that you're out of your mind.

After a party,

we had some ribbons from some gifts

that were strewn about the house,

and Fluff really took to these.

And at bed time, time she would grab

about three ribbons in her mouth,

and she would drag them

down the long hall...

down the stairs...

down the other long hall,

and jump up on the bed and just be like,

"There you go.

Let's get some sleep now."

And we were like, "Thank you, Fluff...

We couldn't possibly get any sleep

without this pile of trash at our feet."

Some nights,

we would notice her little walnut brain...

realize she'd forgotten

what we called her "night-night ribbons."

And she'd be like, "Oh, hold on."

She'd jump off the bed,

run down the hall...

down the stairs...

down the hall,

get the night-night ribbons

and drag, I'm telling you...

We could hear them

being hauled down the...

It was so cute, but also sad

because she really believed

in her tiny little heart

that we needed those.

And she'd drag them down,

get on the stairs, down the hall,

jump up on the bed,

just like, "My apologies...

Good night.

There you go, there's the ribbons.

Sweet dreams."

[laughs] Whoo!

One night,

Stephanie was in the bathroom

brushing her tooth,

and I was--

You should see her, but...

I was standing leaning against our bed

and Stephanie was brushing her tooth,

and I, as I mentioned before,

very clearly that's what was happening,

and I was dangling,

Fluff was right here,

I was dangling her night-night ribbons,

just dangling them for her

and she was doing this...

Just dangling the ribbons...

It was like a religious experience.

Again, having the time of our lives.

And...

Stephanie comes out of the bathroom

and turns and just casually says,

"Careful of her neck.

You don't want to hang her."

"Oh, my gosh, 100% you're correct.

"There's no part of me that wants

to hang our precious kitten...

Fluff."

Anybody that walked into the room,

in their right mind, would've been like,

"I just walked in

on a very precious moment.

What a sweet, sweet moment

I'm witnessing."

Nobody would've thought,

"This is... This is...

on the verge of a hanging."

If Stephanie walked in

and Fluff was hanging...

I guarantee she wouldn't just be like,

"Oh, yeah, of course, you hung the cat."

She'd be like, "You hung the cat?

Walk me through how you hung the cat."

All right. Well, I was standing here.

I was dangling ribbons and...

and again having a great time,

I was pulling the ribbon out of her way.

She couldn't even grab it.

You know, I was in full control.

But then, somehow,

the ribbons started to lower.

And it started to wrap around her neck...

more and more, tighter and tighter.

I could not turn the ship around.

Fluff sees something out

of the corner of her eye,

darts in that direction, I yank her back,

boom, hung by night-night ribbons.

Stephanie is the funniest person

I've ever met in my life...

and none of these things were a joke.

These are all just real responses to life.

[sighs]

We are...

the very proud parents

of two tiny baby boys.

-[cheering]

-And...

It is very exhausting to have a baby,

and then we have twins,

so the more you add to the equation,

as many of you know, it's exhausting.

And maybe three weeks into their lives...

It was four in the morning or so.

We were lying in bed.

At that point, we were still feeding them

every couple of hours.

And just, our eyes are rolling

in the back of our heads, exhausted,

and Stephanie turned

and asked...

"How do you have sex with a baby?"

And I said, "You don't!"

And that was the beginning

of a ten-minute long misunderstanding.

"What do you mean

you don't have sex with a baby?"

"What do you mean what do I mean?

What are we talking about?

Who did I marry?"

I've wanted... I've wanted...

Whenever I tell that joke,

I always think,

I know there are people in the audience

that are like...

"That's not funny.

Why are they laughing?

You don't have sex with a baby."

Then their friends are like,

"Well, you do eventually."

[mumbles]

"Who am I friends with?

What is happening?"

You know, just in good time,

you finally start having sex...

with a baby.

We're missing each other here.

And then even still right now,

there are people in the room going...

"No, you don't."

I've wanted to be a parent

for a very long time,

and it is such a tremendous experience,

and...

I feel like Stephanie

and I are doing a great job.

I really do. And...

I do, but I also feel

like it would be reasonable

if somebody had called

Child Protective Services...

a couple of times.

A couple of times. You know, it happens.

You have a rough day or a weird day.

No, when Max and Finn

were just a couple of months old...

we were so amused

'cause people would come over

to meet the babies

and what we would do is we'd

prop them up with our hands

underneath their armpits

and then we'd say,

"Yep, they're pretty much walking."

Then we'd let go and then

their little noodle legs would buckle.

And then we'd catch 'em half an inch

before they hit the ground.

Oh, is that a treat.

If you have a baby...

I highly recommend trying this out.

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