Tig Notaro Happy To Be Here Page #3

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If you don't have a baby

but know someone with a baby,

ask to borrow the baby.

Nobody will regret this.

The baby's clueless, just like...

[mumbles]

They're just a blob,

and you catch it.

That's the key, you have to catch them.

You can't just let the little blobs fall

because that's when there's true trouble.

Well, with all of the exhaustion

and busy lives,

it's hard to keep up with the house

in the way that we did before

and I was sitting...

I was sitting on the couch,

and Max toddled over to me.

And...

handed me a gigantic...

gross ball of cat hair and lint.

And the thing is that at their age,

they put everything in their mouths.

But he even knew.

"You have to get this out of my reach.

Me and my brother here,

we need you to remove this."

And I just looked, I was like,

"This is icky. This is so gross. Yes."

And I dropped it behind the couch.

We got Max and Finn these little--

We call them their cars.

And these little things they sit in ,

there's four tiny wheels underneath

and a plastic tray in front of them,

and I somehow figured out

that Finn loves

when I kick his little car,

and he shoots across the room

at a high speed.

Then he scoots back towards me

and then I kick him again.

Here's the problem:

the entire front of our house

is just all windows.

And there's a sidewalk

that runs along our house,

and the neighbors are walking by,

and all they saw was me kicking

and this tiny little baby head flying

to the back of the house

at a very high speed

and then just...

scooting back towards me

and then kicking again.

And at that point, I just thought,

"Okay, I have to close these curtains."

But then we just kept making memories.

[sighs]

Me and Finn.

This is something where it's like

I wasn't even really planning

on telling this story I'm about to tell

'cause it happened so recently,

but I also think it's amusing,

and I'm also just like, "Who cares?"

So...

Okay, stick with me.

Max and Finn...

we used to push 'em down to the street

where there was a lot of traffic

and we'd point out...

[audience laughing]

I did not say...

we pushed our children into traffic.

We pushed them down the hill

near the traffic.

We stopped them just in time.

We love them.

They're our precious baby boys.

We would point out the cars.

We'd say, "Car. Car. Car."

And then Max started thinking

that cars were called car-cars.

Okay.

Here's the other part of the story...

that's gonna sound unrelated,

but hang in there.

They were not breastfed.

I can't help in that department.

I tried my best, not successful.

Stephanie didn't breastfeed them.

I also don't know

why I'm telling you our personal details.

Anyway, one day,

Max pulled Stephanie's shirt

and saw down her shirt.

They have not seen b*obs in their lives.

He was...

Max stopped in his tracks,

just like, "What?"

And then he looked up...

and he said...

"Car-car?"

Just like as if to say...

"I... I have very limited knowledge here.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking at,

but tell me, is that a car-car?

Are those car-cars?!"

So now that's of course what we call them

around the house.

"Them," that's terrible.

I'm talking specifically

about Stephanie's b*obs.

And everyone's.

They're car-cars, from here on out.

I had no plan on telling that story.

Okay.

"Car-car?"

"Yes, son. That's car-car."

Max didn't say first words.

He actually said first sentences.

Very similarly to his mother,

out of nowhere, no prompting,

just across the house.

Just...

"Bob, I forgot."

Stephanie and I were just like,

"Did he just say, 'Bob, I forgot'?

Who's Bob?"

Let me tell you something, Bob.

Max actually didn't forget.

He's an infant. He has zero information.

He panicked

because you were riding his ass so hard.

Now get out of our house.

You weirdo.

A couple of months...

a few months ago,

he, again just out of nowhere, yelled...

"I'm gay!"

And I said, "We love you, son.

We accept who you are, no matter what."

And then a few weeks went by

and then again, "I'm gay!"

"Listen, Max,

you don't have to keep coming out to us.

We remember."

Days before coming here, again...

just, "I'm gay!"

"Yeah, Max, the whole family's gay.

It's not a big deal!

Except for Finn,

but even Fluff is bi-curious."

[chuckles]

I'm well beyond my first words,

I'll be honest.

You know what words I personally enjoy

are elongated words,

like... What, Tig? I'll tell you.

Hey, swing by after the show.

Let's not listen to CDs,

but compact discuses.

Oh, that's fun.

I'm not in the market for a minivan,

but a miniature Vanagon.

Head over to the drugstore,

explain to them

that you don't need maxi pads...

but maximum padding...

for those times

when you've been shot in the crotch.

Head up to the counter,

explain to them that you have,

in fact, been shot in the crotch

and that you are gonna

need maximum padding.

Let me know

how that conversation goes for you.

Write me a letter.

Handwritten, of course.

No, don't contact me.

I'll call the Police.

Not the authorities, but the band.

I'll give Sting a ring-a-ding,

see if he can help us out

of this very weird situation

we've gotten ourselves into.

I... I'm not great with strangers.

I was--

I was at the airport,

and I was on a travelator.

You know what a travelator is, no?

I'm not gonna tell you,

but what I will tell you is

I was standing still

while moving forward.

Okay, anyway,

so I was scooty scoot scooting along,

travelating my face off.

This guy was travelating towards me,

and he turned, and he said,

"Yo, Tig, what's up?"

And I was like, "Oh, my gosh.

That is my favorite interaction

I've ever had with a stranger,"

and I couldn't wait to share a glance

to acknowledge how funny that was

so I turned around...

and he never looked back again.

Who is that person...

that felt compelled

to be like, "Yo, Tig, what's up?"

and then just travelate off

into the universe?

I think about that man...

every day of my life.

I travel the world night after night

telling this story

in hopes that it'll get back to him...

and we can finally be the best friends

we were always meant to be.

Sometimes I imagine him in his apartment.

I don't know why I know

that he cannot afford

a mortgage payment right now.

But I picture him in his apartment...

just hanging out, watching TV...

maybe I come on the screen...

and he says, "Oh, yeah.

I saw her at the airport once."

Click...

Nothing, needed nothing from me.

You know where I do thrive is actually

in large groups of strangers...

like a party...

If I don't know a single person,

I'm in heaven.

My friend Henry knows this about me,

and together,

we do what we call our "party bits"

where we kind of mess with people

at parties.

And so Henry had invited me

to meet him at this party.

He was like, "I don't know anybody here."

And I was like, "Be right over!"

As soon as I got there,

I walked over to the kitchen...

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