Tig Notaro Happy To Be Here Page #4

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and I looked in there,

and there were five people just chatting,

and I leaned on the door frame

and I said,

"Hey... just so you know

I'm gonna be going to bed

in, like, ten minutes."

Then I just walked off.

I had no idea if the owner of the house

was in the kitchen.

So, I tell Henry,

and he's like,

"Oh, my gosh.That's hilarious."

And again,

use any of this, just gives me credit.

[sighs] He said, "There's, like,

300 people in the backyard."

And I was like, "Be right there!"

So I walk out on the back patio

and just yell,

"Hey!

Just so you know,

I'm gonna be going to bed

in, like, ten minutes."

Just a sea of confused faces.

This was a Saturday night,

not even ten o'clock.

But the thing is

I don't have to live there

to be going to bed in ten minutes.

I can hop in my car,

head on the pillow in nine.

Another real joy for me is to...

look for my dog at a party.

And I don't own a dog.

Okay, so what happens is

huge crowd of people,

I'm looking under tables,

chairs, people's legs,

and I'm like, "Mitzi. Mitzi, come on!"

Then people start asking questions.

You know, "What does the dog look like?"

"How can I help?"

I'm like, "She's a tiny black dog.

Her name's Mitzi."

Then as soon as I start seeing a lot

of people's heads ducking over like that,

I go, "There she is.

Come on, let's go, Mitzi."

And I walk out of the party

without a dog behind me.

I love looking insane.

[sighs]

I went to the...

combined birthday party...

of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres,

I know, very exciting.

In fact, they're here tonight. Let...

Oh, ha ha,

no way they could possible be here...

[mocking laughter]

Oh, sure, laugh all you want.

So, Ellen is for sure

the most famous talk show host.

[audience laughing]

How is that a punch line?

She's gonna see this special

and be offended by the laughter there.

She is the most famous talk show host

in the world.

-It's undeniable.

-[cheering]

Let's settle down. We all know this.

It's not exciting news.

I'm just setting up some information.

Their party was back to back,

shoulder to shoulder,

the most famous

people you've ever seen in your life.

I'm not including myself on that list,

but they were just looking--

You'd see famous, famous people,

just like, "Oh, my gosh.

So and so's here. Oh, my gosh."

And I look over,

and I saw Ellen talking

in a circle with...

Gwyneth Paltrow...

Bruno Mars...

Diane Keaton

and P!nk.

They were all in the same conversation.

They all had something to say

to one another.

But when I saw that,

I was just like, "That's a party bit."

So I walked over...

and I interrupted her conversation.

I tapped her on the shoulder,

and she was laughing,

she turned, and she said, "Yeah?"

And I was standing there with Stephanie,

and I grabbed her hand,

and I just said, "We're bored."

And Stephanie and I just walked off.

Every person she was talking to was just,

"Who is this person?"

Doesn't matter who I am.

I was bored, and she needed to know .

I would love to offer up

a surprise for everybody.

If... If you would like

to have a surprise.

[scattered applause]

Well, that was...

really not much of a reaction.

Look,

if you don't want a special surprise,

we can skip right over this.

All right, sounds like you would like

a very special surprise.

You're in the right place.

Let me check and see.

Okay. All right, good.

Great.

All right, we're all set.

Yeah. Great.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen...

please welcome to the stage,

the Indigo Girls.

[cheering]

That was awkward.

But you guys are set?

Okay. What?

Okay, they are set. Sorry about that.

Ladies and gentlemen ,

please welcome to the stage

the Indigo Girls.

[cheering]

What are you guys doing?

[laughs]

Okay, I know what this looks like.

It probably looks

like the Indigo Girls aren't here.

But...

I'm tapping them on the shoulder

right now.

Do you think I can make that up?

Folks, I can't make this up.

I love when comedians say that.

"Folks, I can't make this stuff up."

Like, "Why are you bragging

that you're bad at your job?"

But seriously, they-- they're--

I just looked over at them,

and they're standing there like this

with their guitars.

Do you think I can make that up?

No, that's something

from what I actually saw.

Who here is like...

"I don't think the Indigo Girls are here"?

I'm sorry,but you think

the Indigo Girls are not here

and that I'm just...

Really?

Well, let me tell you.

The brunette broke one of her strings

and had to go off and fix the broken--

What? Listen. I'm tell--

I'm trying to tell you--

I'm trying to keep you up-to-date

with the news here of what's going on.

But partly, what's funny to me is that...

I know what their names are.

And it's kind of funny to me

to call her the brunette.

I know her name.

And she is back here.

But you guys think--

You think I've made up

that...

the Indigo Girls are here.

The Indigo Girls who were...

nominated for a Grammy in 1989...

yeah...

as best new artist

and lost to Milli Vanilli,

you think they are not back here.

But ended up winning the Grammy

the following year.

But listen,

you think they're not back there.

Who here-- Don't get an attitude with me

like, "Yeah, that's right. We don't."

Who here is like...

"I actually kind of think

they might be here."

Wait a minute, so you think...

that I'm gonna do an entire set,

I'm gonna do my show...

and then... [clears throat]

the Indigo Girls

are gonna show up at the end

and perform for you?

You bet they are! Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the Indigo Girls!

[cheering]

Okay.

Who here...

is like, "You know what?

I came into this situation

thinking they're not here,

now I'm like, 'I think they might be,

but I don't know.'"?

You're on a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Well, that's all about to end.

With no further ado--

Ladies and gen--

No. Mitzi, no. No!

No. No, ma'am.

No, ma'am.

That dog...

That dog will do anything.

[sighs]

So let me get this straight,

you guys think...

that the Indigo Girls,

who I saw for the first time in my life

in this theater we're sitting in,

second row,

your seat,

you think they're not gonna come

fly out here from Atlanta where they live

and--

Don't shake your little finger at me.

This is not little finger-shake time.

This is time

to get the Indigo Girls on stage.

Who here is like,

"Honestly, I don't even know

who the Indigo Girls are."?

You don't know who the Indigo Girls are?

You're about to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen...

They're my favorite band,

that's who they are.

Do you like the Indigo Girls?

You love the Indigo Girls?

I do, too.

It's a very special night...

'cause I know at this point, it's like,

"Come on, Tig..."

Your heads will explode,

and this entire room will be a bloody mess

if the Indigo Girls come out on stage.

Who is your favorite band? The Beatles!

Well, you're in luck tonight, sir.

What? You think I can get invited

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