Tim Minchin: So Live

I am so f***ing rock

I am so Goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

I am so f***ing rock

I am so Goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

I am so f***ing rock

I am so Goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

I am so f***ing rock

I am so goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

I am so f***ing rock

I am so goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

Don't you know you wanna rock it with me

If you came expecting a burlesque show

With girls in nipple tassels and a flying trapeze

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disappoint you

You should have read your program more carefully

If you came expecting liturgical dancing

With new interpretations of the story of Moses

I'm sorry but I'm think you will be disappointed

You've made an error during the booking process

But if you came to see ...

me!

I'm really happy that you achieved your intentions

Cos it's all very well to live in the moment

But planning is important is you want to achieve your goals

And maybe have some savings when you're old!

I am so f***ing rock

I am so goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock

I worked very hard for my rock 'n' roll hair

I get it chemically straightened and I style it for hours

And I worked very hard for a rock 'n' roll face

I've got the kooky contact lenses and the girly mascara

But there is something deeper inside

Something that this mask I wear won't hide

I paid lots of money for this big piano

And the fancy, fancy lights to make me look like Michael Jackson

I paid lots of money for this bohemian coat

And the fact I dont wear shoes is just an affectation

But there is something deeper inside

Something that this costume cannot hide

Something from a distance you wont see

Something fundamentally me!

I am so ... rock

I am so goddamn rock

I'm mother- f***-

Hear me rocking on the piano,

sing, go!

The guitar!

F***ing-

I am so f***ing rock

I am so goddamn rock

I am so motherfucking rock.

Dont you know you wanna

Rock it with me

Rock it with me!

Rock it with me!

Whoo!

All the ladies in the house,

come on and let me hear you say "Hey-oh!"

Hey-oh!

-Look at you.

- You rocked it.

- Yeah, f***ing rock!

All the fellas in the house,

come on and let me hear you say

Whooo!

Whooo!

All the ladies in the house,

come on and let me hear you say:

"I'm not good with maps.

But I have a highly developed emotional intelligence!"

-I have emotional intelligen-

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um-

All the f-

This is a love song.

Your love for me is not debatable

Your sexual appetite's insatiable

You never ever make me waitable

Delectable, inflatable you.

You don't have problems with your weight at all

You never steal food off my plate at all

I never have to masturbate at all

Unstoppable, inflatable you.

You never seem to menstruate at all

So you're not angry when I'm late at all

I feel permanently felatable

Unpoppable, inflatable you.

With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away

With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day

In this ocean of life I'm never afraid we might drown

We could just float forever whatever the weather

Whenever my inflatable lover's around.

Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable

You always do just what you are toldable

And if we argue you just foldable

Controllable consolable you.

My mates all reckon you are suitable

I took you round to watch the footable

And Steve and Gary said you're rootable

Refutable, commutable you.

You're never sensitive or tickley

When I rub you my skin goes prickerly

It's know an static electricity

Felicity when I'm kissing you.

Your skin is so smooth,

I couldn't afford you with hair

You have all the holes real girls have got

plus one for the air

Your problems are simple,

I don't need my Masters in Psych

To know if you get down I just perk you right up

With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike.

You never wake up when I snore at all

A trait which I find quite adorable

You have a box and you are storable

Ignorable, back-doorable you.

Any sexual position's feasible

Although you don't bend at the knees at all

Your hooters are so firm and squeezable

Increasable, un-creasable you.

You don't complain about my hairy back

Or 'bout the inches that downstairs I lack

You're not disgusted by my furry crack

Burt Bacharach

Jack Kerouac

Ooo.

Now birth control is not an issue

No! I clean it all off with a t-

I bet my jealous friend all wish you

Were insatiably inflatably theirs.

Yeah!

Piano solo, me.

Dont let me down.

And I wont let you

down.

Uh, hello.

Hello!

Hiiaah!

What's your name?

How are you all doing?

Good!

And you?

Oh, thank you, fu-

What a relief!

I thought, for a second there,

you hadn't elected a leader.

And it was complete anarchy.

I'm fine, thank you.

What's your name, leader?

Abbie.

Abbie?

Like a little church.

Generous like a church.

Thanks for asking.

Um, I'm fine, good!

Uh, I'm Tim, for those of you who just, sort of

popped down, taking a punt on a small newspaper there, or something.

I'll just give you a bit of background, I'm a-

a person. I ...

Uh, grew- I grew up- Born and bred in Perth, West Australia.

Thank you, I-

I did next to nothing to earn that priviledge.

But, uh. Um ... Thanks anyway.

I now live in, um, London, in the United Kingdom.

Which is, uh, great! Perth has-

Are you guys from Perth?

Yes.

Yeah, oh right. Well, as you know, it's quite a quiet place,

those of you who have visited.

It's quite a small place. London's very busy.

It's got a real sense of excitement.

I mean, I love Perth. But London's got this sort of

sense of urban danger, which is very seductive.

You know, where I live, in the North, right,

for example, an ambulance seems to go past my house

with its sirens blaring like once every three minute.

That seems to be a statistically improbable number of

North Londoners requiring urgent medical attention.

At any given time, and

you can't help but feel excited because, odds are ...

You can't help but feel that one of these days,

one of these ambulances is gonna come for you.

And it's different over here.

Even the ambulan- I mean, the ambulances,

for example, every time they go past my house,

I notice they have, their writing's green, for one. That's weird.

And it says on the side, in big letters:

"EMERGENCY AMBULANCE".

Which is, like- Surely the adjective is

kind of implied by the noun.

But then, I figure it's just to distinguish them from our

ones over here.

They're just normal ambulances, you know?

They're a bit more laid-back.

They don't really emerge.

They just kinda ambulate.

Hang out in parks.

Like massively over-equipped Mr. Whippy vans.

Everything's more complicated: the taxis!

You know, in Australia, they just have taxis.

You just ring one, you get in and you go somewhere.

They've got different types of taxis.

The main one, of course, the famous black cab,

you know, the English cab.

And they're, you know, proper,

and they've got proper English cabbies.

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