Tim Minchin: So Live Page #2

And then they've got this whole other set of taxis

called mini-cabs.

You guys heard of mini-cabs?

Been to London a bit?

They just look like normal cars,

but they have a special sticker,

and the driver has a special license,

and he's allowed to act as a taxi.

Then there's this whole other group of public transport.

Vehicles that I hadn't heard about when I moved there.

And they're called "illegal mini-cabs".

And they're just dudes in cars.

And they're only cab drivers in the same sense that

my mate Pete is a pharmacist.

And as the name suggests, they are illegal!

They're a bit of a, this sort of scary thing in London.

I'd never heard of them,

but when I first got there, i was staying, um,

near, uh, Old Street Station,

which is on the northern- those Londoners, you know Old Street.

I was staying on New North Road, just near Old Street.

And I was walking down New North Rd, when I first got there

uh, towards Old Street,

and I came across a bus stop, with a bus stop advertisment.

You know, so it's six foot high, and it said:

"If you wanna know how much an illegal

mini-cab could cost you,

You seen these?

ask a rape victim."

That's so- that- I felt shocked!

I was like "Look, I get the point you're trying to get across,

I mean it's very important, but

in the middle of the street! A child could read-" I was-

I just thought, that's not necessary, that sort of thing.

But I sure learnt my lesson.

Because a couple of nights later,

after I saw this sign, I was in Soho,

having a drink with some friends,

I went to the bar, and I met a girl, you know,

just "What are you getting?", that sort of meeting.

And I got talking to this girl, she was a

really great girl, and we got chatting, and

we talked all night, be we got pretty drunk, um.

And eventually it got sort of, heavy, the conversation,

and she disclosed to me that she had been, um,

the victim of a sexual assault.

So I asked her

how much

an illegal mini-cab would cost,

from Soho to New North Rd, near Old St,

where I was staying.

And I'll never forget what she said.

She said:

"About 8.50."

I mean, it was closer to 9,

but I'm surprised this system works at all.

But apart from the, sort of, ambulances,

and the dangerous public transport,

London, ah, is great. It's definitely the place for me,

because, to be honest, um,

I'm trying to,

I'm trying to get famous.

And, uh, you know, celebrities belong

in London, I think.

It's a great place for them to bring up

the kids they've bought.

Off poor people who live in less great places.

And I'm not doing great, but I have met some famous people.

I've gotta tell you about this gig,

cause it was really exciting.

I did a charity gig, and I had to go on stage

after Mariah Carey!

I kinda went straight after her,

and played 'Inflatable You'.

It wasn't deliberate, but it sure resonated

with a poignancy that it hadn't before.

I was standing- I was really nervous, as you can imagine,

I was standing backstage, watching this woman, this-

one of the greatest

pop voices of all time, just tearing it to

shreds on stage,in this tiny little dress, going-

And I was just thinking, well, how can I go on after that?

You know? That's amazing!

And this dude is backstage,

dude came up to me and said, uh,

"She's lip-syncing."

Oh, I thought "What a jip!", you know?

Suddenly, the magic

that is Mariah Carey kinda disappeared. You know, it's,

it felt like I was watching a sort of cheap drag show.

But without the intrigue of transvesticism.

To my knowledge.

And also I thought: "Sure, Mariah,

you're a professional, you have your reasons.

Lip-sync if you want to.

But if you're gonna lip-sync,

why would you do a Mariah Carey song?"

This is a song about the music industry,

trying to get famous, and having no depth.

He doesn't have a problem with drugs,

He just doesn't do them,

He's fine that his mates have tattoos,

But he reckons they'll rue them,

He likes going to pubs,

But he hates it when the music's too loud,

He tends not to go to rock concerts,

'Cause he can't stand the crowds,

But all he's ever wanted to be

Is a rock star on RAGE or MTV,

But he knows that it's not f***ing likely,

He just turned thirty, he knows that he

Will always be

A rock'n'roll nerd,

He'll keep writing songs the world will never hear,

And though they won't be heard

He'll just keep writing,

oh yeah

But you see the problem is

He always dreamt of being a star,

But he learnt piano instead of guitar,

Which in the nineties didn't get you very far,

So while the other kids were learning Stairway

He was the piano to their forte,

But he was convinced one day

He'd rock their f***ing arses,

And be an icon for the disenfranchised masses,

Grow his hair long and rebel against the state,

But just for now that'd have to wait,

'Cause he's running late for his morning classes.

And he will always be

A rock'n'roll nerd,

He'll keep playing gigs that no-one knows about,

And though it sounds absurd

He'll just keep playing,

oh yeah,

But you see the problem is

There's not much depth in what he's singing,

He's a victim of his upper-middle class upbringing,

So he can't write about the 'hood, or bling-bling,

So he sits and imagines his girlfriend is dead

To try and evoke some angst in his middle class head,

But the b*tch is always fine at half past nine when they go to bed,

He's not spent a single night in prison,

He has no issues with nutrition,

He has no drinking problem and no drug addiction

Unless you count the drugs they put in chicken,

Marijuana always tends to make him cough,

He doesn't look good with his t-shirt off,

And when he tries to act tough, you can tell he's tricking.

While his mates go out out late,

Popping pills and havin fun,

He goes home and showers,

And gets a good eight hours,

He gets his thrills from his morning run,

While his mates all go on dates,

Taking speed and drinking cans of Gin-Beam,

He stays home and cooks,

And curls up with a book,

With the girl he's had since he was seventeen

'Cause he's never really been part of the scene,

While the other kids liked Gunners he liked Queen,

He's more into Beatles that the Stones,

He's more Stevie Wonder than Ramones,

He never owned a panel van,

He never shot a Pantera fan,

He doesn't know the difference between metal and thrash,

He couldn't tell you nothing about Axl and Slash,

He likes Ben Folds and The Jackson Five,

He knows all the words to Stayin' Alive,

And though he wants to be all grungy and cool

He spent eleven years in a private school,

So it doesn't matter how hard he tries,

He cannot hide behind his rock'n'roll lies,

'Cause you've either got it or you don't,

Yeah, you'll either rock it or you won't,

You've either got it or you don't,

Yeah, you'll either rock it or you wont.

He knows that his music lacks depth

But it just can't be helped,

He has nothing interesting to say

So he writes about

himself,

But he doesn't want to seem self-obsessed

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