Tim Minchin: So Live Page #4

Bit nervous 'cause of you guys.

It's like a bit more personal and everything.

Sometimes I get a bit angry

But you couldn't tell, no you couldn't tell

Unless you looked real closely

Sometimes I get a bit angry

But it's alright, yes it's alright

Cause I keep it out of sight

Inside, deep inside

I breast fed 'til I was nine

Which my QUACK...

doctor says is fine

And he also says I'd deal with anger better

If I wrote about myself in a poem or a letter

My mother was a F***ING B*TCH...

caring lady

She taught me all I know

Although I was a little slow, she never gave up

She never let me Slut

down

Although she spent a lot of time at the neighbour's house

When my dad was out of town

I didn't walk 'til I was seven,

or talk 'til I was ten

But neither did Napoleon, according to my QUACK

f***ing doctor

Who has certificates in frames

To substantiate his Dodgy F***ing...

claims

My father left my mother for the love of a PANTANG...

nother

And I have a Bastard brother who I've never really known

Because me dad moved up to Sidney

And he doesn't have a Bullshit You Fat C*nt...

telephone

In primary school I had trouble making ASHTRAYS...

friends

An issue which has become somewhat of a trend

The origin of which I can not pretend does not perplex me

Although my Quack F***ing doctor says it's cool

And that loads of "Fat Prick!" "SHUT UP I'm NOT FAT"

...kids at school

Have problems with communication

And that of course some medication would be wise

And combined with more honest self expression

Could help me with my issues with emotional repression

And at 200 bucks a session

I think I'll take the Theiving Wank BASTARD F***ing chap's advice

So.

I quite like Porn... photography

And books on GUNS... history

And I'd like to be a

And I'd like to be a POLITICIAN...

vet

And I feel as I get older

I'm more in control of my violent tendencies

And when I die KILL...

die,

I'll have no regrets

And I feel that all this writing

Is really Poofy exciting

And my Quack F***ing doctor would be proud

Because I feel a lot less angry

And I'm saying stuff out loud

And I'm letting anger out

Like today in our last session

When I taught the Quack a lesson

'Cause he said I'm not progressing

Said I wasn't moving forward

So I said, "Let's see how you move without your f***ing legs."

And I tied him to his chair

And I pulled out my machete

And I listened to him beg

And then I cut his f***ing feet off

And while he laid there bleeding

I used his feet

to kick him in the head.

Thank you GIGGLING C*NTS very much.

I hope,

I hope that was, um ...

That helped, that was really helpful.

So. ("Feel better?") Yeah,

I feel a lot better, yes. Thank you, thank you.

Um. Abbie?

Another man just asked a question.

Are you a leader, or what?

It's funny actually.

I sometimes ...

There's a bit of ... language in that, um ...

in that, uh, piece.

And I got a letter recently, from a woman,

when I was performing in Perth

saying that she didn't see why I had to use such a crass language.

And I wrote back, sort of explaining that

language changes, you know?

The whole vernacular is different, in a more-

Standards change, and- and-

And that these words are in common usage, now.

And I started this- um...

It's a true story: I saw on the front page of the

Australian newspaper, um, the word 'f***'!

Right on the front page of the paper.

I mean, things are

changing. And all they had to do to get away

with that was spell it 'fk'.

Really weird that a little star could be enough to...

slew that fickle outrage, you know?

And, anyway, because the 'fk' is so commonly used these days,

it actually, these days, means 'f***'.

More than 'f***' means 'f***'.

It's almost a couter-productive disguise.

It's like a ... Like a

paedophile

wearing brown tinted aviator glasses when he goes to the pool.

If anything,

it makes him more like a paedophile.

Strangely,

-and I also pointed this out in my letter, um-

the protection afforded the word 'f***' by the humble asterisk

does not necessarily applies to all words.

Even seemingly inucuous, perfeclty harmless words, like-

Any word, like-

Take the word finger, for example.

Perfectly harmless word.

But when you use it in a sentence such as:

Um.

'I want to finger your mom.'

It could be construed by some senses

as deemed offensive.

Now you have to say that the offensive word in that sentence

is the word 'finger', used in this case

as a verb.

Or a 'doing-word'.

But you would not get that sentence on the

front page of the Australian newspaper

by spelling it 'fger'.

And that's because it's the context in which the word is used

that makes it offensive.

In which case, you might be better off

spelling the sentence 'I wanna your mm."

I guess the reason I've brought that up, um-

I guess what I'm saying is,

if anyone has been offended,

so far, by any, anything,

if you're the sort of person that finds

any of that sort of stuff objectionable,

um,

or, for that matter, if you're quite a religiou-

If you're a religious person,

You might wanna pop out for about 5 minutes ...

This is a song about ...

anal sex and God.

It's called 'Ten-Foot Cock, and a Few Hundred Virgins'.

So you're gonna live in Paradise,

With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins.

So you're gonna live in Paradise,

With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,

So you're gonna sacrifice your life

For a ride on a UFO,

And when the Lord comes down in his shimmering chariot of salvation,

You're gonna be the first to know.

And so if...

God was there from the very beginning

He invented men and women,

Then He also invented wanking,

Then He said wanking was sinning.

So if I'm feeling randy

I'm not allowed to hand-shandy,

But having sex with my family,

That is just f***ing great.

It's all there in Ezekial 8,

Just before He opens up His big pearly gate,

And says that it's a sin

To take it up the date,

Even if it's great,

Even with your cow-boy mate.

So you're gonna live in Paradise,

With a ten-foot cock and few hundred virgins,

So you're gonna sacrifice your life

For a shot at the greener grass,

And when the Lord comes down

With his shiny rod of judgement,

He's gonna kick my heathen arse.

So if you...

Cover the bodies of your women

Everybody is grinning,

Because black is so slimming,

Though it's not great for swimming.

But it gives you an erection,

With the increased sexual tension,

What with the U.V. protection

That is second to none.

You'll find it all in the Quran

Just next to the bit that justifies guns,

And says that it's a sin

To take it up the bum,

Even if it's fun,

Even with permission from your mum.

So you're gonna live in Paradise

With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,

So you're gonna sacrifice your life

For a shot at eternity,

And when the Lord comes down

And I haven't done my penance,

He's gonna disembowel me.

You say that...

If I...

Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker,

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