TiMER

Am I late?

Hi. No!

Yes, 5 minutes, but who's counting.

- We are, right?

- Right.

- Well...

- So... Okay.

- You ready?

- Uh...

Yeah, about this...

Brian. You like me, right?

Yes. Definitely.

And I think you're

pretty neat, too,

but what's the point in

continuing, without a guarantee?

Yeah.

Of course.

Are... you ready?

Please.

- Alright.

- I'm good.

Okay.

Oona! Hey girl.

Is this another potential?

Yes. Hi, matchmaker Patty.

This is Brian.

Welcome, Brian.

Ready to take the plunge?

Uh, Abso... absolutely.

Okay, come on back.

I'll get you started.

So, exactly how many guys

have you brought here?

I've been on the

rocking horse a few times.

How many times?

Please.

- Okay. I just...

- Lay it on down.

All-righty, Brian.

So we'll need some photo ID

and a credit card.

Okay, sure.

- Sorry.

- OK. Good.

So how long have the

two of you been dating?

About a month.

Brian Thompson.

Male, thirty-three?!

Wow, how'd you get

this far without a Timer?

- I'm from Oklahoma.

- Mm-hmm. Say no more.

Caucasian. Hetero.

Hope that sticks!

And, uh, personality module

was completed online.

Perfect. So, we're having

a special this week.

Which is $79.99,

That's for installation

and the device

plus monthly charges of $1.99.

Okay? Let's have the recipient

sign the Terms of Use.

Okay, so, what does

this say, exactly?

Oh, just that, um...

You won't ask for a refund

if you think your wait

for true love is too long or

too short. Or, you know, like,

if you don't like

your soul mate.

Are you-- Ar--

Aren't I guaranteed

to like my One?

I mean, isn't that the point?

No. Not necessarily.

Not at first.

Here's our pamphlet

to the Path to True Love.

Now, of course, we have

love at first sight.

But we also have friendship

blossoming into love.

Or enemies becoming lovers.

Opposites attract, etc, etc.

See, the Timer tells you

the very moment that your

soul mate enters your life.

The rest will evolve naturally.

So you and I have a head start.

Right?

Right. Okay.

Awesome. Awesome!

OK, Brian.

Which is your dominant hand?

Left.

So we're gonna--?

We're gonna do this now?

That looks like it hurts.

Does it hurt?

It's like getting

your ears pierced.

My ears aren't pierced...

Well then, yes, it will hurt,

but briefly.

Okay, so, after implantation

if the two of you are meant to be

then both of your Timers

at the very same time go:

And happily ever after. All set?

Yeah, sure, le--

Yes.

Oh, Oona. Come on.

You wanna zero-out with your man,

you gotta make some eye contact.

The best part of my day.

Drum roll, please!

Jesus!

916 days.

Alright.

Oona, I'm sorry.

It's so fine.

Really. I...

I'm... really happy for you.

You see, this is why

I didn't want to come here.

- No, I know.

- I was afraid

something like this--

I know, and it's--

It's-- It's fine.

It's fine.

916 days, that's like...

Two and a half years.

Two and a half years. Heh.

I'll have finished my

doctorate by then, and...

Have Tenure.

Fingers crossed. It's--

Perfect timing, actually.

Gosh, it's crazy, you know, to

think that she's out there, she's--

Walking around,

she's living her life.

And the blank Timer she's

probably had for years

has finally started

counting down.

You know...

Two years is a long time.

Maybe we could still...

Right.

Probably a doomed

relationship, right?

Moot.

Doomed. I said doomed.

Thanks, I said moot.

That's making a better point.

Sorry. It's fine, I--

Really, I-- Congratulations!

That's so super.

I have to get back to work.

- Okay, you know, I--

- So then, we--

- This was really great.

- Um. Yeah.

You're nice.

Thank you. No.

Take care.

It's all right here for you,

and I am so sure he's gonna be

everything that you dreamed of.

See you next time, Oona!

She's one of our

recurring customers.

Okay, sir. Have a great day,

and keep on ticking!

If a clock could count down

to the exact moment

you meet your soul mate

would you want to know?

That's the claim of

manufacturers of

a new device called

The Timer.

The next evolutionary step

in computer matchmaking

The Timer lets you know

when your perfect match--

We've discovered that all humans

are on a path to true love.

Implanted just after the onset of

puberty and powered by body heat,

The Timer monitors levels of

oxytocin, the hormone of love.

It zeroes out at midnight,

the night before,

and in the next day it

could go off at any second

and you meet your soul mate.

Are you tired of sitting

around, waiting for love?

Your days of watching

and wondering are over.

Say goodbye to heartache

and disappointments.

Now you can be on the clock.

True love, on a schedule.

Introducing Timer

a revolutionary device that tells

you not only who your soul mate is

but when you'll meet them.

Timer.

Take the guesswork out of love.

Have a cookie, Monica.

I can't, my Timer's about to go off.

- When?

- Three years.

A computer chip in your arm?

No, sir.

I don't know.

- Would you?

- Would you?

Yeah, no. I got one.

It was blank at first,

which kinda made me nervous.

But then I guess she got one too.

Wherever she is.

Jane likes dogs. So does John.

Your massive database, hard at work.

Listen, common interests are

just the tip of the iceberg, here.

We are the business of true love.

Shared values, emotional needs,

physical attraction.

By the year 2005, it is estimated

that over half of Americans

ages 14 or older

will have Timers.

A recent independent study

revealed a 98% satisfaction rating

among newly zeroed-out couples.

It's like a fairy tale.

I saw him first from across the room.

And then he looked at me

and I knew instantly.

Everybody turned to look,

and then people were clapping.

On the 15th anniversary

of the invention of the Timer

we're talking to zeroed-out couples.

Eric and Tammi zeroed-out

over 5 years ago.

I was totally skeptical, I didn't--

I just wasn't gonna believe that

a stop watch was gonna tell me

who to love, you know,

but it's not like that.

What would you say to people who

still don't believe it works?

It doesn't tell you who to love,

It just kinda confirms

what you already know.

What you already feel

in your heart, but

when you're ready for it...

It just works out.

It's nice.

What?

Why are you whispering?

I'm not.

Where are you?

Church.

Brian isn't my One.

I'm shocked!

Call me back when you've

found your underwear.

You got it.

How'd it go?

Brian isn't my One.

Hey, Priscilla.

(muffled) Hello.

You wanna get these braces

taken off today?

(muffled) Really?

Uh... She's got another month,

Dr. O'Leary.

She's just here for a loose wire.

Yeah, but a month is negligible.

Especially when school's

back in session next week.

My little brother is

starting his freshman year.

He's so cute, I could just

punch him in the face.

These braces are coming off

today, pretty girl.

(muffled) Yeah!

You ever hear the one about the

single gal in the supermarket?

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