TiMER Page #2

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

F*** it, I'll tell ya.

She brings all her stuff

up to the register

four-pack of toilet paper,

microwaveable dinners,

that sort of thing.

The check-out guy looks at

all of her stuff and he asks:

"Hey, are you single?"

She kinda giggles, and she's like

"Why, can you tell by all the

stuff I'm buying, like all the

single-serve items?"

He's like "No, 'cause

you're f***in' ugly."

I thought that would have

gone over a lot better.

Really?

Yeah. I kinda thought you

would've got the irony.

- Missed it.

- Well, I mean...

with you being so pretty, and all.

Good one.

I'm 100% sincere on that.

Your total is $30.29.

Sorry.

One more time.

Let me see. Thank you.

I see your Timer's blank.

- And?

- Nothing.

You're sweating your future,

though, right?

That's a shame. 'Cause you could

have a much more exciting present

if you really wanted.

I'll keep that in mind.

Mikey.

Of course.

So long.

- Bye-bye.

- Take care.

In the jungles of Bangladesh,

Sunni fighters,

called Mwali,

wear facemasks on

the back of their heads

to deter hungry Bengal tigers

from attacking them from behind

You were supposed to be here

a half an hour ago!

Take a pill.

Jesse's got his entire life to wait.

Our punctuality isn't gonna

speed up the process.

You know...

A positive attitude might help.

That worked like gangbusters

for you this morning, huh?

It's a process of elimination,

and I'm one step closer, is all.

Here. It's perfect.

Oh, absolutely not, no. Here.

Oh. Did he have a Timer?

Of course he had a Timer.

Timerless guys are so

angsty and conflicted.

Boys with built-in expiration dates,

now they wanna sow their oats.

Multiple tantric oats.

They're just using you.

I'm using them. Win-win.

I don't--

You have scientific proof that these

idiots are a waste of your time,

and yet, you go after them anyway.

It cannot be as satisfying as you say.

Yeah, you know, blazing hot

anonymous sex is super-tedious.

You know what? I think

we should get a cat.

Oona.

Scale of 1-10:
How sad

are you about Brian?

6.5. You know what, though...

It's fine. It's not

even about Brian.

I just wanna know. You know?

Even if it says I'm not

gonna meet him until I'm...

What? 43?

Hi, Mom. I'm sorry. You know what,

we're on our way. I swear.

Hi-hi! Sorry we're late. We're here!

Oona's fault!

Hi.

Hola.

Are we in the right house?

You're here!

Hi-hi!

Hi Mom.

Hi, Steph.

Girls, this is our

new housekeeper, Luz.

Luz, this is my daughter, Oona,

and Paul's daughter, Steph.

Mucho gusto.

Good night, Luz.

Thank you for your work today.

Buenas noches.

Not a lick of English.

This is exciting!

Isn't this exciting?

So where's Brian?

He's not my One.

Oh, sugar. Oh, I'm sorry.

Why did you have to take him

today, of all days?

Because you said it would

be double the celebration.

Brian was never right for you

anyway. We all knew that.

Tell it, Marion. Amen!

Steph, baby. Don't make me

come after you and your life.

Sorry.

Oona. You're being very stoic

and we all appreciate it.

Now on to the next

potential One, right?

Now, Matchmaker Ron has

been here for over an hour!

- Jesse!

- Yeah?

Good. Okay, everybody this way!

Hi. Are you so excited?

- Oona, don't be a douche.

- What? I'm happy for him.

Jesse Aaron Depaul, I certify that

you are of Timer-eligible age.

This being the first month of

your ninth grade school year.

Are you ready, baby?

Piece of cake, Jess.

Even if you won't have any

of your original teeth

by the time you meet her.

Or him!

I'm not gay, Mom.

Can we get this over with?

Jess.

I will give you new teeth,

if you need them.

But just so you know, whatever happens,

You're gonna have someone out there

who loves you as much as we do.

Take a deep breath, hun.

Three days?

That's bullshit!

Excuse me.

Three days, Paul.

That is an unusually fast

countdown, but...

- It's better to know earlier.

- Than later?

Dick.

We're gonna have grandchildren,

after all!

Hey! My eggs, they can hear you!

Freshman year, that's my boy!

Oona.

You know what, I'm gonna go.

Oona, this must feel unfair.

Sorry about Brian.

Thank you, Paul.

It's okay, Mom, really.

No! Don't even think

about it, you stay.

I'm just gonna go to bed anyway.

It's fine.

Congratulations.

Bye bye.

What time do you get off?

What?

Do you want me to repeat it?

Yes, into the loudspeaker,

if you don't mind.

Believe me when I tell you,

this is your one shot,

so make it count.

Now, now, I get off now...

Nelson!

Hey dude, cover for me.

Not cool, bro.

So, what do you do?

Orthodontist.

Far out, like a dentist?

Yeah.

Only an orthodontist.

Cool.

So what's your name?

Uh... So, I have roommates.

How many?

Four. But they should be out.

Guys, where are your manners?

Everybody, this is Oona.

Oona, this is TJ, Zuckerman,

the skinny guy in the chair

is Greggy, and that's Wretch.

Uma, like Uma Thurman?

Sure.

Wretch, is it?

We'll be in the bedroom, it's

just around the corner there.

Lead the way.

Who is that?

I don't wanna know how old you are.

Okay?

OK.

How old are you?

I turn 30 this January.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

No! No, no, no. This is a great idea.

It's up there with, um...

Gravity, or cold fusion...

what-have-you, it's just...

It's a really, really good idea.

Four months to go, hm.

Yeah, well, you know...

Four... long months.

You enjoy that time.

What?

Yeah, I'll just-- I gotta...

- No, no. Stay.

- No, I really...

- I can't stay.

- No, no, can't-- Let's go back...

The kissing...

Hey.

Hey.

Who are you?

I'm him.

You know what they say

about a watched pot.

Attention residents. The raffle

will begin in 5 minutes.

- I'm fine.

- Did I ask?

Margaret? Is that you, Margaret?

Sure isn't, Sadie.

Oh, my mistake.

So? How are you?

I'm fine.

Mom even found me a date

for tomorrow night.

Somebody's grandson.

The woman is unstoppable.

Margaret!

Answer your mother, Margaret.

Yeah. Not your daughter, Sadie.

'Kay?

- Pardon me.

- Okay.

Did I totally ruin Jesse's night?

No! Matchmaker Ron

handled that all on his own.

You know, Romeo and Juliet were

14 when they found each other.

If only life were more

like theater camp.

Margaret. Is that you, Margaret?

Hang on.

You bet, Mom.

Great news:

I'm gay.

- You're...

- Gay!

Gay as the day is long.

Dykey-dyke, dyke.

Plus, my girlfriend...

She's black.

That's not funny.

I gotta go.

- It was a little funny.

- Miss DePaul.

It might feel like you have

all the time in the world

but it'll be you in here,

faster than you realize.

Come with me, dear.

Come on, your room is over here.

In the service, we had a name

for men like that.

- Pricks?

- Cocksuckers.

Better. How they hangin' Dutch?

Down to my knees, angel.

You keep your head up...

Good afternoon, Mr. Evers.

Hm, a new patient.

That's fun.

So how'd you hear about us?

There's not a whole lot of

orthodontists with your first name.

You can thank my father for that one.

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