Tis the Season Page #2

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Nick:
I think it's a terrible holiday glazed with consumerism masked as family tradition.

Nick:
Kind of like this grotesque ham.

Kelly:
Uh.

Kris:
You leave the ham out of this.

Kris:
And who are you to talk, you look like a long lost illegitimate child of Marylin Manson.

Kris:
Hah.

Kris:
Hey Kelly.

Kelly:
Did you have sex with Marilyn Manson. Did you?

Kris:
It looks like you did.

Kelly:
Well, right now I wish I had.

Nick:
You leave mom, Marilyn and the rest of the beautiful people out of it.

Nick:
And you know what?

Nick:
I think Christmas is the worst Holiday there is.

(Silence)

Kris:
you.

Kris:
You stole the list!

Kelly:
Kris!

Kris:
Admit it!

Nick:
What list?

Kelly:
Kris, you are way out of line right now.

Kris:
(Whiny) He's trying to sabotage Christmas, Kelly.

Nick:
This is bullshit.

Nick:
I'm out of here. Rachel let's go.

Kelly:
Wait, Nick, no. Honey.

Kris:
Oh. Oh. Where you going? You going to your real dad?

Kris:
Huh?

Nick:
I wish Marylin was my real father.

Kris:
Oh Fine, ooh yeah. Just walk away huh.

Kelly:
Way to go.

Jeff:
It was nice to meet you. Rachel.

Kris:
Hey, where do you think you're going pal? Huh?

(Kris makes sickly sound.)

Jeff:
Bro. You alright? You don't look so hot.

Kris:
I'm fine.

Kris:
I'm Santa Clause damn it!

(Sickly sounds)

Kelly:
Kris!

Kris:
Grunting

Pengrove:
Boss!

Pengrove:
Boss!

Kris:
What?What?

Pengrove:
Get up.

Kris:
What happened?

Kelly:
Well, you acted like an ass and then you passed out.

Jeff:
Yeah we thought you kicked the bucket bro.

(Jeff Laughs)

Nick:
Alright he's alive.

Nick:
Let's go.

(Squeaky floor)

Rachel:
If you don't mind me asking, what's your diet consist of?

Kris:
Umm... milk and cookies.

Kris:
Christmas ham.

Kris:
I'm on the go a lot. So I have to eat on the go.

Rachel:
I'm only pre-med so you should talk to a doctor but...

Rachel:
I think you have diabetes.

(Jeff laughing hysterically)

Jeff:
Perfect.

(Video game lazers)

(More video game lazers)

Kris:
I lost the list.

Kris:
My family hates me.

Kris:
And I'm probably gonna die.

Kris:
Other than that, I'm fine.

Kris:
Other than that, I;m just...

Kris:
Great.

Pengrove:
(High pitched) Hey boss.

Pengrove:
I've got some good news for you.

Pengrove:
You're going to bring present to all the children in the world and make them so happy.

Pengrove:
Christmas is going to be the best-

Kris:
No!

Kris:
Pengrove!

Kris:
No nut cracker!

Kris:
The List!

Kris:
Where's the list Pengrove.

Pengrove:
I've searched the whole house boss.

Pengrove:
I can't find it.

Pengrove:
There's no list.

Pengrove:
You know boss...

Pengrove:
I think the people of the world can take care of themselves.

Kris:
No.

Pengrove:
But you still need to take care of your family.

(Pengrove picks up bells)

(Ringing bells)

Kris:
Alright everyone.

Kris:
Come on in here.

Kris:
Gather around.

Kris:
I got something I wanna say.

Kris:
You too Jeff, wake up.

Jeff:
Hard eight, eight the hard way.

Kris:
Alright, I know you all hate my guts right now.

Kris:
Okay, I just wanted to apologize for the way I was acting last night at dinner.

Kris:
It's just that Christmas isn't what it used to be. And I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

Kris:
I mean people have written songs about me.

Kris:
Parents would take their kids to the mall to sit on a complete strangers lap...

Kris:
dressed up like me, so they could tell them what they would want for Christmas.

(Kris sigh)

Kris:
I just, I just really miss that.

Kelly:
Well you were acting like a jerk last night.

Kelly:
I understand that the last few years have been really hard for you.

Kelly:
I mean...

Kelly:
We have so much to be grateful for.

Kelly:
Everything you've done for us...

Kelly:
And you deserve to be happy too.

Kelly:
So we forgive you.

Kelly:
Right Nick?

Nick:
Yeah I forgive you.

Nick:
I don't hate Christmas. I just wanna do my own thing you know?

Nick:
I don't wanna be Santa.

Kris:
If Halloween is your favorite holiday, I totally respect that.

Kris:
Alright?

Kris:
And if you wanna date a uh..

Kris:
A je... a jew..

Kris:
What's the word honey?

Kelly:
Jewish person.

Kris:
A jewish person.

Kris:
If you wanna date a jewish person...

Kris:
then go for it.

Kris:
I think you guys make a great couple.

Rachel:
Thanks.

Kris:
Well, I know Christmas isn;t for a few months, but I...

Kris:
But I went ahead and got you guys a little something anyway.

Kelly:
Aw.

Kelly:
What did you do?

Kris:
Kelly, I know you've been working hard all year so I...

Kris:
got you a weekend pass to the Malibu Spa and Resort.

Kelly:
Oh honey thank you.

Jeff:
(Background) Brown noser!

Kris:
And for you two...

Kris:
VIP passes to the Marilyn Manson concert this...

Kris:
Halloween!

Rachel:
No way!

Rachel:
Thank you so much.

Nick:
I thought these were sold out, how did you get them?

Kris:
I'm Santa Clause.

Kris:
I have my ways.

Kris:
And I outbid a guy on Ebay.

Jeff:
What did you get me bro?

Kris:
Jeff, you can stay o nthe couch as long as you like buddy.

Jeff:
Really?

Jeff:
Score.

Jeff:
Thanks big brother.

Kris:
So I'm not the celebrity I once was.

Kris:
My family loves me, and that's what the holidays are all about.

Kris:
Family.

Kris:
And, and presents.

Kris:
Family and Presents.

(Clears throat)

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