To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar Page #7

and when one goes out, I just

screw in another one. Hello, goodbye.

I think I see him.

No... Moses.

I have lived in apartments that

weren't half as big as these pores.

Let's stay positive. Bobby Lee,

just ignore your old Auntie Noxee

and look at that videotape there.

I know. That is Miss Anne Baxter

in The Ten Commandments

and those are the moves.

(Noxeema) All right, let's see.

She needs more lips.

- I can't.

- You can and you will, darling.

But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter.

No one is asking you to be.

Just take her strength, her mystery,

her moves and you find your own.

If you want them to know

that there is steak for dinner,

you've got to let them

hear it sizzle. Understand?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Thanks.

- Best of luck.

Time to make the donuts.

Chi Chi, he won't like me.

Trust me.

He's gonna love you, all right?

Baby, you got the look, mami.

You certainly do. Do that eye thing

I taught you, right?

That's right. And be honest with him,

all right? He deserves that.

- Thanks.

- I got to go. I got cramps.

Momma!

Chi Chi?

Bobby Ray, come here.

Hello?

Oh! Hello.

Bobby Lee!

- Roberta.

- Oh, Roberta.

Wow. You really look pretty.

Sure is a pretty dress

you're wearing.

Oh, this old thing?

Well... Roberta...

would you...?

Wow. You really look good

in that dress.

Oh, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray.

Would you like to dance with me?

I've waited 23 years to ask you this.

- May I have this dance?

- My gracious.

- You know, pumpkins?

- What?

Sometimes it just takes a fairy.

Men, acting like women.

Men wanting to be with one another,

men touching each other.

Their stubbly chins

rubbing up against one another.

Touching each other.

Manly hands...

touching swirls of chest hair.

An occasional whiff

of a rugged aftershave.

Their low, baritone voices...

sighing, grunting.

They hold one another

in manly, masculine arms.

Hold one another.

Tight.

- How you doing?

- OK, I'm doing OK.

- (Barman) What can I get you?

- Bourbon.

- This your shoe?

- No, that ain't my shoe.

I'm looking for the person

that wore that shoe.

- Now the ratchet.

- The ratchet...

You know, if I can get this to work,

you may get this baby on the road.

Really? That would be wonderful.

Of course, I'm sure you'll be wanting

to stick around

for the Strawberry Social

this afternoon.

- Now, Vida...

- Ca...

You know,

I wouldn't be lying

if I were to say...

that I was really gonna miss you.

I think it's really important

for a woman to have lady friends.

Oh, Carol Ann, I...

If we're going to be friends, there

really is something I should tell you.

- Adam's apple?

- What?

Adam's apple.

Women don't have Adam's apples.

Only men have Adam's apples.

The first night you came to town,

I noticed that you had yourself

an Adam's apple.

- Then you know?

- I know...

that I'm very fortunate

to have a lady friend

who just happens to have

an Adam's apple.

Let's just see what we got here.

- (Engine starts)

- Ooh!

You did it. Yes!

God, I ain't ever gonna be right.

(Police radio, indistinct)

Ta-da!

How do I look?

Like the Miami Sound Machine

just exploded all over you.

(Dollard) We have the town

surrounded. There's no escape.

I know there's drag queens

around here.

Just come out with your hands up,

no one will get hurt.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

It's possibly-dead Sheriff Dollard.

(Chi Chi) He doesn't look dead.

I know them drag queens is here,

I'm not leaving without them!

None of you good people

need get involved.

All I want's them drag queens.

Don't protect these freaks!

I know they're hiding here,

these weirdos coming in here,

these boys in dresses.

What? Boys in dresses?

Corrupting you

with their way of life,

changing the way

things have always been!

I really don't think

that's what you want!

Whoever belongs to this shoe...

come forward now!

There's Miss Vida, come on.

I believe that shoe is mine.

- You ain't the one.

- She's not the one.

Back off, Virgil.

I am a drag queen.

I know there's drag queens

in this town!

And I ain't leaving

till they get out here!

- Can I have my shoe, please?

- You're a drag queen?

Nothing this pretty could be real.

You want to touch my boa?

That's my shoe. Ten and a half B,

girlfriend.

- I'm a boy in a dress.

- Give me a kiss, big boy.

- I'm the drag king.

- (Man) I'm a drag queen, too.

- Arrest us.

- I'm a drag queen over here.

So you can just

drag yourself on home.

- What you so afraid of?

- (All jeering)

You're gonna really regret this.

You're gonna regret this.

You have no idea how dangerous

these people really are!

No idea! You're gonna regret it!

All of you are gonna regret it!

I promise you will!

(Knocking at door)

Miss Vida?

Auntie Noxee?

- Are you hearing this?

- Yes.

I didn't even want to come here, now

these people are standing up for us?

You know, Vida...

you were absolutely right.

About what?

I mean, now I realise that...

you gotta take chances.

Because you never know,

you know what I mean?

I'm not gonna worry about

if people accept me or not.

I'm gonna make Hollywood

wherever I am at.

I would like...

Stand up, Vida.

I would like...

to go to Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania

and walk into that imitation

Tudor-style house...

Stand up, Vida. Stand up.

...and I will say,

"My name is Miss Vida Boheme."

- Go ahead, girl.

- "Your approval is not needed."

Approval neither desired

nor required.

"But I will take your acceptance."

Me, too. I'm gonna stand up

from now on, I'm going to.

And when I find

my honest and true love,

I'm never gonna let him go.

And I don't care

what my cousin Lisette says.

Everything I touch

doesn't turn into caca.

- What does she know?

- Right.

And I'm gonna try and find

a foundation

that's a little closer

to my actual skin tone.

Idiots! Look at them!

Look at them. Perverts.

When the founding fathers wrote

the Declaration of Independence

and the Constitution,

"Liberty and justice for all",

they didn't mean that.

I can tell you one thing about them

founding fathers of America.

- What's that?

- They sure had fabulous wigs.

You'd better feel it.

This is my Aunt Martha's dress.

I thought you could use it,

she was big in the shoulders.

- Thank you, girl.

- Oh, sweet pea.

Listen to your Auntie Vida.

I want you to believe in yourself,

imagine good things and moisturise,

I cannot stress this enough.

Miss Noxeema.

Miss Clara.

Now, listen,

when you get to Hollywood,

you give this letter

to Mr Robert Mitchum.

I will. I promise you.

I'll guard it with my life.

Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

I hope she leaves me those albums

in her will.

- All right. Can I hear it?

- Good afternoon.

Sounds wonderful. The shirt is fierce

and the hair is working.

Take care. Be good to yourself.

Vaya con Dios, Miss Chi Chi.

You ruin my language

and I still love you.

- These all grow wild around here.

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