To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar Page #6

Is that who you have

your little brown roots set on?

- Yeah.

- Shush.

(Chi Chi) No, mamita, please!

- Evening, ladies.

- (All) Good evening, Bobby Ray.

I come to ask somebody out

to the sociable.

- Well, I declare.

- I declare.

- I declare.

- I decline.

Well, er, it's tomorrow afternoon,

so I best be asking.

(Clears throat)

- Bobby Lee?

- Yes, Bobby Ray?

Could you do me a favour

and take the little ones inside?

I need to talk to

Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez in private.

Bobby Lee, mamita,

don't be so sensitive.

- Bobby Lee!

- She's so sensitive.

(Vida) Bobby Lee.

(Chi Chi) I didn't know it'd happen.

- Er, Miss Chi Chi...

- Won't you come back in an hour?

- Er...

- Shh. Just say yes. OK. I'll see you.

It's absolutely

out of the question.

You're not my mamas

and you can't stop me.

Darling, you most certainly will not

be going out with Mr Bobby Ray.

Why not? We got a lot in common.

For starters, the same business

in between your legs.

Poinky-poinky-poink-poink!

If he gets a whiff

of your wiles, darling...

It's the "why I'm always right

and you're wrong" song

sung by

her lonely breasteses herself.

What do you know about relationships?

- I mean, who loves you, baby?

- Be quiet, Chi Chi.

Nobody, that's who.

Not even your rich mommy and daddy.

Oh, oh! I know what this is about.

This is about jealousy

because I'm going out with a cute boy

and you ain't. Hello, goodbye.

You are deceiving that child. That boy

does not know which end is up

and you know that Miss Bobby Lee

is in love with him.

So what if she is?

Maybe I want something?

What's wrong with that?

Miss Girl

is dealing with some demons.

- I will not allow you to play games.

- Allow? Allow!

There are human rules

by which we operate, sweetheart.

I'm so sick of

this freakazoid white lady

telling a black lady and a Latin lady

which way is up, down and under.

You can laugh but I hope you pack

that Cadillac because I'm staying.

You're staying? Well, Miss Jennifer

Holliday, go ahead and stay.

Don't forget to write.

She truly does have

a piata for a head.

Don't go there, Vida.

She's an oppressive gringa

with a pinga.

- All right, y'all.

- You are a puta Spanish fly.

- Don't go there.

- You are an uptight, cellulite,

fossil-face, cracker witch.

Listen to me, you little

sway-backed, Third World...

- She went there.

...selfish piece of street trash!

You're the selfish one,

bossing people's lives around

without them even asking you,

Mrs Ann Landers pain in my culo.

- How dare you think that...

- (Raised voices)

What is that noise?

You want to know? That's you

running into everybody's house...

Shut up, Chi Chi!

(Chi Chi) When I look at you,

it makes me want to throw up.

- Virgil's beating up Carol Ann.

- Most likely.

Well, we have to help her.

No, no. Vida,

there are times when you help people

and then there are times

when if you help people,

you ends up being killed,

so you don't help people.

She trusts me and I trust her.

There's a fine line

between trust and stupidity

and there's people you don't trust

cos they will stab you in the ribs.

I thought you had learned

a little bit more than this.

You need to mind your own business.

What is going on upstairs

has nothing to do with you.

You deal with what's going on

right here.

Mami, save it.

Everybody's business is her business.

You go ahead, girl.

You're gonna get screwed.

You're not a queen

because you sit on a throne,

you're a queen because

you couldn't cut it as a man

so you had to put on a dress.

- What did you say?

- You heard me.

I've had quite enough...

(Carol Ann and Virgil arguing)

(Virgil) What the hell?

Vida, please. No. It's OK.

Carol Ann, I'm sorry

but I cannot take this any more.

Noxee, could you take care

of Miss Carol Ann?

Virgil and I

have something we must discuss.

So, I gather you like hitting ladies.

Some ladies need to get hit.

Then, conversely,

some men need to be hit back.

Oh, God.

Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad.

Carol Ann, there's something

you should know about Vida, mami.

Well...

Vida works out. Vida works out.

A lot.

All right, move ahead.

All right, go ahead.

Move on.

Oh, man, sometimes I think we should

just get rid of all the men.

(Vida) Well, not all of us...

them are bad.

We just need to get rid of

all the men.

(Noxeema)

You're just post-traumatised.

Well, maybe Mr Rogers.

I mean, he just seems sensitive.

- Well, Mel Gibson. He has a cute can.

- Oh, please!

Yeah. He can stay but

he's not allowed to think or speak.

Psst!

Shh!

My goodness. You're always on time.

And twice as sweet as usual.

I guess you're never gonna

disappoint me.

How could I disappoint you? I'm your

knight in a shiny pick-up, remember?

Of course I remember. My knight

in shining whatever that was.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful

out tonight, isn't it?

Yeah.

My whole life

I've always wanted someone

who will understand

how I felt inside

and someone who

would hold me for always

and then you showed up

and you were it.

You make me feel like

the most perfect girl.

I don't have to do that.

You are the perfect girl.

- Sorry, no.

- I mean it. You're beautiful.

- Please.

- You've got class, glamour.

- Shut up.

- You're exotic.

Stop.

Oh, don't stop.

And there's something about

the way that you talk, you know.

Like no-nonsense. Like...

You'd never lie to me,

you'd never keep a secret from me.

I really respect that. I do.

What is it?

What did I say?

I was...

If you really love someone,

you could keep

one big secret from them.

- No.

- No?

I really feel that if you love somebody

with all of your heart,

then you could never

keep a secret from them.

You couldn't even sit on

one little teeny lie?

- No.

- No.

No matter how big or how small.

Oh...

(Carol Ann) We're saving Mel Gibson.

(Vida) With a gag.

(Carol Ann) Right. Mr Rogers,

Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington...

- And...

- And Bobby Ray.

Yeah, you mustn't forget

about Bobby Ray.

Bobby Lee, I've been thinking about

a lot of things lately

and I don't want Bobby Ray

because he's such a local, right?

So go ahead. You can have him.

Just take him. He's yours, baby.

Go ahead and take him.

- Good for you.

- Chi Chi.

- What?

- That was so very generous of you,

putting someone else's needs

before your own. It was special.

It was step three.

Absolutely step three.

Abide by the rules of love.

- Really utterly fabulous. Sit here.

- Here, honey.

Chi Chi...

I am so very sorry that I called you

a sway-backed, Third World

little whatever. I didn't mean it.

It's all right, baby. I deserved it.

And I'm sorry I called you

a dinosaur, cellulite,

white trash farty old white woman.

- Forgiven?

- Forgiven.

- You are lovely.

- You're too much.

Are you serious about Bobby Ray,

Miss Chi Chi?

Baby, you can have him.

I've got a million dream lovers.

I've got a broken heart

for every light on Broadway

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