Toast Page #2

I'm not going to be very well,

maybe for quite a long time.

But you'll be all right

by Christmas, won't you?

I don't know, Nigel.

But you'll still teach me how

to make mince pies, won't you?

- Of course I will.

- Promise?

I promise.

Just because there's something

wrong with her lungs doesn't

mean to say she's not pregnant.

What about Parma Violets?

Don't be stupid,

they're for old people.

Anyway, I'm not interested in

your opinion. I'm going to ask Josh

about it.

- How about some Love Hearts?

- Piss off!

They're for girls.

You fancy that gardener,

don't you? What about some

Pascall's oblong fruit bonbons?

Honestly? They'll put

you in a retirement home.

And, no, I don't, I'm just

interested in gardening, that's all.

Are you bollocks.

All you've ever planted

is a row of radishes.

Anyway, re your mum,

the jury's out in my opinion.

What about barley sugars?

We're not getting barley sugars,

Warrel, we're not going in a car.

I'll buy a packet of Refreshers

and a quart of chocolate limes

so we can burn our tongues!

Yes, boys? A quart of chocolate limes

and a packet of Refreshers, please.

Oh, and a pork pie.

What's the pork pie for?

Who are you?

I'm the new gardener, who are you?

- Where's Josh?

- I don't know. I was just told to come down here

twice a week from now on.

- Well, would you like half a pork

pie? I bought it myself.

- No.

Dad, what have you done to Josh?

I haven't done anything to Josh.

Joshua doesn't work for us anymore.

We have a new gardener, Mr Watford.

- Josh was my friend.

- Joshua is not your friend!

Now, I want you to put Joshua

right out of your mind! Ow!

And I don't want you to ever

mention his name again!

- I want you to take this up to your mother.

- I hate you.

I'm warning you, Nigel...

Now take this up to your mother.

And whatever you do,

don't disturb her.

Thank you.

Dad!

Dad! Dad!

I told you not to disturb her!

Come on.

Let's have a crumpet.

She's not going to be better

for Christmas, is she?

No, son.

Look...

What's going to happen to her?

Is she going to be all right?

Nigel, erm...

Everything's going to be fine.

Nigel?

Mum?

Aren't you supposed to be in bed?

I want you to help me.

What with?

Mince pies.

It's not even Christmas yet.

Doesn't matter.

Now you do it.

- Oh, Mum...

- All right.

It's all right.

Just stick it back down there.

No one will know.

It's going to be so tasty.

That's perfect.

Here we are. Now we cut them out.

- Nigel...

- Mmm-hmm?

- I love you.

- I love you too, Mum.

- Now all we need is the mincemeat.

- I'll get it.

- I can't see it.

- It's in there somewhere, Nigel, I know

it's in there somewhere.

Don't worry. I'll find it.

I don't understand. It must be

in there somewhere.

- It has to be here. I'm sure it's here.

- It's not.

Let me see.

I asked your father specially.

I'm sorry, Nigel.

You said you'd teach me.

Well...

We'll put them in the fridge

and we'll get some tomorrow

from Percy Salt's. But you promised!

You're going to leave me

with him, aren't you?

- It's not fair!

- Nigel...

Come here...

- I hate you!

- Come here, come here.

All right. You're hopeless!

I hope you die!

All right, all right, all right.

Shh.

Shhh.

All right.

- What's that?

- It's a stocking, Nigel.

- But there's still a month to go.

We thought we'd give you

your presents early this year.

As a special treat.

We thought we'd open them

in the morning.

I don't want them in the morning.

It'll spoil Christmas.

Nigel, please!

Your mother asked me specially.

OK. I suppose so.

So, you're not going

to tell me off, then?

No, I'm not going to tell you off.

But you mustn't open them

until Mum is there.

Night-night.

Night-night.

Daddy?

'With Mum gone, things in the culinary department

did not get any better,

'and after months of cheese on toast, Dad decided

to be more adventurous.'

Ah!

Ahh!

Damn it!

Ah.

Oh! Ow!

It's disgusting.

- You haven't even tried it.

- It's not even cooked.

Look, Nigel, just eat it.

There are kids in Biafra

who'd give their right arm

for a Fray Bentos pie.

- Eat your pie.

- No.

- Eat your pie, Nigel.

- I won't.

I'm warning you.

- No!

- That's it!

- Eat the bloody pie!

- No!

- Eat it!

- No!

- Eat the pie!

- No!

- Maybe it's supposed to be like that.

- Warrel, it was completely raw!

Don't worry about it.

My mum's no great shakes

in the kitchen either.

At least she's not dead.

I wish I came from a normal family.

Nigel, normal families

are totally overrated.

You'll probably grow up

to be interesting.

I don't want to be interesting.

I just want him to like me.

If you want to soften him up a bit,

you can't expect

something for nothing.

Remember, the way to a man's heart

is always through his stomach.

Really? I'm telling you.

My dad's putty in Mum's fingers

once he's had his toad-in-the-hole.

- Ah, now, there you go, this is for you.

- Thank you.

That's for me. Thank you very much.

Now then, can I help you, son?

I'll have two pieces

of smoked haddock, please.

It's my dad's favourite.

- Don't you want something for your mum?

- She's dead.

- OK.

That'll be two and six, sunshine.

I've only got this.

Could you cut a bit off, please.

It's all right, son;

you can have the tail bit on me.

Um... How do you cook it?

Warm the grill first.

Rub it with a bit of butter

and put it on just before

you're going to eat.

- Ten minutes, absolute max, understood?

- Thank you.

- Where have you been?

- Nowhere.

Just got a little detained

at the factory, Nigel.

- Did you cook this?

- It's ruined.

No, it's not.

It's just how I like it.

No, it isn't. It's bad.

Mmm. Look, Dad,

you don't have to eat it.

No, really, Nigel.

It's delicious.

'You see, I told you it'd win him over.'

Haddock's a very superior fish, Nigel.

- I really don't think he liked it.

- It takes some time, bonding.

Especially now your mum's dead.

I'm telling you,

you'll be inseparable shortly.

Nothing will get between yous.

Slater!

Where is your milk?

Come out to the front.

Where is your milk?

I drank it, Miss.

No, you did not.

I've watched you give it to

Leonard Watson every day this week.

I want you to drink it now.

I have to warn you, Miss,

I have a serious aversion

to dairy products.

Drink it now, Slater!

It's good for you!

OK, then.

You see? It wasn't that bad.

Sit down.

Nice one, Slater.

Bleedin' hell.

I'll be all afternoon on this.

- What a bloody awful state this is in. When was

the last time you cleaned in here?

- Who are you?

Hmm? New cleaner. Who's it bleedin'

well look like? Joan of Arc?

Whoever cleaned inside of here

made a right pig's ear of it.

Does my dad know you're here?

No, I broke in and thought

I'd scrub the kitchen floor clean!

Bugger off!

I ain't got all day to stand round

talking to you. Snotty little brat.

Bugger. I'll be on me knees

all night getting this off.

Mrs Potter.

- Hmm?

- Oh! You're still here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes