Toast Page #3

Oh, Mr Slater.

I thought you was out at work

at this time.

- I see you've met Nigel.

- Oh, yes.

I think we're going to get along like

a house on fire, aren't we, Nige?

'I didn't expect Mrs Potter

to last long.

'My father wasn't usually one to associate himself

with people who wore Crimplene.

'But I was soon

to be proved wrong.'

'And so it was, Mrs Potter became a regular part

of my father's routine.

'She scrubbed, polished and

bleached her way into our lives.'

- Are you still here?

- No.

I'm at home, doing me ironing!

- What ARE you doing?

- I'm darning your father's socks.

- What are you doing that for?

- They have holes in them.

You're only supposed to do

the cleaning.

Where would we be if we only did

what we were supposed to do?

I thought you'd be pleased

I'm looking after him.

I know what you're up to,

so just...off his socks.

Listen, Nigel.

Look, I know you miss your mother and

everything, but if there's a hole,

sweetheart, somebody is going to

darn it, and it might as well be me.

You're wasting your time.

I mean, you're far too common,

and anyway, you're married.

All I'm doing is darning his socks!

Anyway, it's got nothing

to do with you.

Just because you can sew up

his clothes doesn't mean

you're anything like my mother!

- Forget it! He's never going to be interested in you!

- Ah, Mrs Potter.

-You're here rather late again.

- That's all right, Alan. I just thought I'd do your socks for you.

Oh, really, you shouldn't have.

That's beyond the call.

Oh, it's nothing, you know.

Got to keep your toes warm!

Oh, by the way, baked you

a little something for your supper.

Oh, really, Mrs Potter!

- It's an apple pie!

- Well, I just thought you boys

need a bit of looking after.

Oh, that's very kind.

Isn't it, Nigel?

- Oh, that smells delicious.

- Oh, it's just something I knocked up.

Anyway, must be going.

Here, that'll stop you

sticking through.

- Maybe I could offer you a lift home.

- Aren't you going to eat the pie?

Well actually, you should probably let it cool.

Don't want to burn your lips, do you?

No, it's no bother.

I'll get the bus.

No, really, really,

it's the least I can do.

Oh, well, if you insist.

You'll be right, Nigel, won't you?

See you, flower.

I won't be long.

Let me get the door. Thank you.

'There's no denying Mrs Potter made

a decent apple pie.

'In fact,

it was better than decent.

'It was sublime,

and one of the most glorious things

I'd ever put in my mouth.'

- What's the matter?

- You're wearing my mum's apron!

What do you want me to wear?

An evening gown?

- Would you like to help me bake a cake?

- You shouldn't be wearing it. It's not yours.

All right!

Keep your hair on, bugger-lugs.

It's only an apron.

Does your husband know

that you're cooking our suppers?

Look, don't patronise me, son.

Just because I don't talk all bay-window,

doesn't mean I'm a fool, you know.

You're a child. You know nothing

about what people go through.

Here's the apron.

Wouldn't have thought

you were so sentimental about it,

from what I've heard of her cooking.

You'll have to put yourself to bed.

- Where are you going?

- Out!

You're going with her, aren't you?

It's just to a whist drive.

- I have to have some life of my own.

- With Mrs Potter?

It's just a social occasion.

Please, Dad,

don't leave me on my own.

You'll be fine, Nigel.

'Hello.

'Joan, is that you?

Is Joan Potter there?'

- I don't see why she has to come.

- Look, there's nothing wrong with me

inviting Mrs Potter.

This is the Masonic event

of the season.

Dad, she's our cleaner.

I mean, look where she lives.

- Look, Joan has been very good to us.

- She lives in a council house.

- Where she lives is of no consequence.

- It's not right.

She should be inside

with her husband, not coming out

with us to Masonic dances.

You're the one who didn't want

to be left on their own!

Now, you don't understand anything

about Mrs Potter's personal arrangements.

Anyway, she's got nothing to hide.

She's a very respectable woman.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Bleedin' duck.

I've laddered me tights

on that bleedin' wall. Bugger.

Come on, darling. Let's get

a move on before anyone clocks us.

- Oh, hello, Nigel.

- Hello.

- Well, how lovely.

The three of us all together.

Hello. Have you met Joan?

Joan Potter. Ruby Sturridge.

- Nice to meet you.

- She's our cleaner.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

I find Vim a very superior scourer.

Though I've been very impressed

with the new version of Mr Sheen.

Do you know of it?

Don't you find aerosols

so very convenient?

Compared to Jif Cream

they really are superb.

I use bicarb on milk stains. Only

thing that gets rid of the stench.

Nothing worse than curdled milk

sweating away in the carpets.

No. Trust me, you've got a spillage,

bicarb is the way to go.

Joan, do eat.

- No, watching me weight.

- Can I have yours?

Yes, we were at

Alderman Cartwright's

for a function, only recently.

Oh, yes? I know the person

that cleans for him, of course.

Not great personal hygiene...

or so they tell me.

Very rarely cleans his windows.

Oh, Brian. Excuse me.

I do mine meself, of course.

Can't beat a chamois leather.

Never be without my Windolene.

- Do you have a favourite disinfectant, Mrs Sturridge?

- I can't say I know.

I'd have to ask Mrs Miller,

our housekeeper.

Oh.

You might want to ask her

to take a look at that stain.

- Although not much is going to get that out.

- Oh, bugger!

Would you like to dance?

I'd love to. Come on.

Hang on.

Bit of Dutch.

Won't be long.

He must pay very good overtime.

Do you know, I've never seen

your Dad dance before.

- That's probably a blessing.

- Do you think I should try and stop them?

There's very little you can do.

She might be common, but

there's nothing she doesn't know

about cleaning products.

If I was you,

I'd just try to enjoy the food.

Mind you, they had lovely flowers

in the ladies loo.

I think it was to cover

the smell of the urinals.

But what a fantastic time, eh?

Thanks for coming, Joan.

No, thank you.

Is this all right for you here?

Yeah. Best be on the safe side.

See you, flower.

Are you all right, love?

I'm fine. Please, just go home, Mrs Potter.

Yeah, I will. I'll go home.

Would you get in the front now,

Nigel?

What do you think of Joan,

then, Nigel?

Mrs Potter?

I think in some ways

she's quite like your mother.

She's nothing like my mother.

Look, Nigel...

I loved your mother.

And I will always love your mother.

But sometimes things change.

Life moves on.

- We have to accept that.

- I don't mind change.

I don't mind moving on.

I just don't like Mrs Potter.

Give her a chance.

You don't know what it's like

on those estates.

I don't care where she comes from.

I just hate her.

I just...

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Oh!

She was dancing with your Dad?

- I think she'd have been kissing him if I

hadn't been there.

- Urgh.

Maybe it's just a phase,

cos he's upset about your mum.

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