Toast Page #4

I don't even think

he thinks about her any more.

Plus, she's a brilliant cook.

I wouldn't worry about it.

- Her husband will find out, thump your Dad and get

another cleaner.

- You reckon?

That's what happened

to Uncle Harry.

- So, you don't think it's serious, then?

- Don't be stupid.

You've got absolutely nothing

to worry about.

Come on, Nigel!

Where are we going?

You'll see.

It's a surprise.

Nigel, I know it's been difficult

since your mum died,

but you've been very patient,

haven't you?

- Are we nearly there yet?

And it's just, I've been thinking...

..it might be better for all of us

if we made a new start of everything.

What do you mean, "a new start"?

Well, it's just...

since your mum died,

everything got off

on the wrong footing.

- That's all.

- So we can get a new cleaner?

No, no, we don't need a new cleaner.

Joan is not the...

Mrs Potter is not the problem here.

Is this it?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Imagine living here. No neighbours.

Perfect seclusion.

Wonderful country views.

- Dad, what's going on?

- Nothing, nothing. Only saying.

- It's got a septic tank and everything.

- Dad, who lives here?

Well, actually...

we do.

What do you mean?! All the stuff's

coming this afternoon.

But what about school?

What about Warrel?

- I mean, it's miles from anywhere.

- You'll get used to it, Nigel.

I don't want to get used to it.

We can't move here.

- What about Mrs Potter?

- Look, everything's going to be

all right, Nigel.

It's not the end of the world.

What could possibly be worse

than moving here?

Ah! Nigel! Woo-hoo!

Sweetie!

Say hello to your Auntie Joan.

You can call me Joanie,

if you like.

Agh!

I knew it was a bad idea

not to tell him.

I'll deal with this.

Look, I know this is all

a bit of a shock for you.

I know it's very hard.

I can never replace your mother.

But I know what it feels like

to be alone.

I'm not your enemy, Nigel.

I want to put all that

bad feeling behind us,

make a fresh start here,

the three of us.

Mmm?

Give us a chance here.

Come on.

We can make this work.

Together.

No! You're our cleaner, for God's

sake, just go back to Wolverhampton!

Now, you listen here,

you spoilt little brat,

I have given up everything to come

here and look after you, all right?

I will be lynched if I ever

go back to Wolverhampton.

So, let's cut the dogs doo-da, hey?

You're just going to have to

sodding well get used to it,

or I'll make your every waking hour

a complete blinking misery! Capiche?

Everything all right?

Yeah! Course, darling!

I think we've sorted everything out,

haven't we, Nigel?

She may not be your mother, Nigel,

but she's a bloomin' good cook.

Well, as they used to say

in Wolverhampton, bon appeti-ti!

Well, as they used to say

in Wolverhampton, bon appeti-ti!

All done?

That was absolutely delicious,

darling.

Nigel, help Joan with the dishes.

- I've got a book to finish for school.

- No buts, Nigel, give Joan a hand.

- Oh, Nigel Slater, nice bag!

- Give it back!

Now,

as it's the start of a new term,

you all need to pick one option.

Slater, pay attention.

Now, hands up for woodwork.

Home economics.

Are you serious?

Ah, are you going to have them later

with your mummy and daddy?

Oh, hello, Nigel.

- What are you doing in there?

- Nothing.

Absolutely delicious.

- What's for afters?

- How about a scone?

A scone?

And a nice cup of tea?

Is he OK?

- Where the hell did they come from?

- Made them, earlier.

What do you mean,

you made them, earlier?

At school. Taste one.

But I've made a gooseberry fool.

I'm sure it'll keep.

Actually, they're not half bad,

Nigel.

Excellent effort.

Does this mean you'll be doing the

cooking every Wednesday from now on?

Yes. It does, actually.

Well done, Nigel. Mmm!

Yeah, well done, son.

Well done.

Oh, very good work, Nigel!

Oh, dear, that's very

sloppy, I'm afraid. Now,

this is why we should have put...

What's all this? It's a Wednesday,

I've made a shepherd's pie.

Oh, I'm sorry, love, completely

forgot. Oh, well, never mind.

Mmm, looks delicious, darling.

Pop it in the fridge.

I'm sure it'll keep, sweetheart.

Oh, hello, Nigel. I've made a trifle.

Oh, Nigel, we ate early.

Yeah, but there's some lemon meringue

on the side there.

That was the best lemon meringue pie

I have ever tasted.

Oh, thank you, I'll have to

make it on a regular basis!

That's the best lemon meringue

you've ever tasted.

That's the best lemon meringue

anybody's ever tasted.

If I was you, son, I'd give up.

You'll never even be in the vicinity.

What did you put in there

to make it so fluffy?

If you want to make a lemon meringue,

sunshine, you're going to have

to get your own recipe.

You really have to go home now,

Nigel.

Don't you have some homework to do?

Bugger off. More creamed potato?

No, sweetheart, I'm s...I'm stuffed.

I spent all afternoon on this.

Erm, all right,

then just a little bit.

Oh, I made your favourite

for afters - lemon meringue pie.

Dad. What's that?

- It's a lemon meringue.

- What?

I made it for you specially.

- What for?

- To eat. For a snack.

I don't want a snack,

we just had our tea.

But I thought you loved

lemon meringue pie.

- I couldn't eat anything now.

- Anyway, I've got a Victoria sponge I made earlier.

But it's freshly baked, Dad.

Nigel, look, I appreciate the effort

but I'm not even remotely hungry.

- Just try it.

No!

- I know that you'll like it.

- Nigel, please.

Take it away.

That's my recipe.

You bleeding well stole this.

No, I didn't.

I invented that myself.

Mine's even got peel in it.

I cook for you, I clean for you,

I look after your every bleeding need

and this is how you repay me?

Get off my patch, matey,

cos I do the lemon meringues around

here, you ungrateful little turd.

I think you're getting this out of perspective.

- He didn't even try any.

- Perspective? I'll give you a bleeding perspective.

And you can clean that up!

What on earth did you say to her?

I didn't say anything, she's mad.

You have to get rid of her, Dad.

I've asked Mrs Potter to marry me.

- Marry you?

- You're going to have to accept that.

- Or?

- Or we're going to have to put you into care.

We can't go on like this. Joan....

Thanks for the cake, Nigel.

A lovely gesture.

Yeah, it's really not that bad

for a first attempt.

Everybody loves the food.

My meat puffs

are going like hot cakes.

Not much of a crowd.

It's good that Sheila's shown up.

Would you like a vol-au-vent?

I made them myself.

Are you all right, Dad?

Yes, just a bit...tight that's all.

Funny, it was all right

at the fitting. Oh!

Hey, you must be pleased

to have a new mum.

Not really.

She might have a heart of ice, son,

but she puts on a damn fine spread.

Her husband's lost two stone

since she moved out.

That'll do for later.

An absolute nightmare,

but a bloody good baker, I think

she could've been a professional.

I made this, actually.

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