Todd Glass: Act Happy

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1

You're... You're... You're... fun,

you're talented, you're great.

Look at this face. Look, right?

All the positivity,

you take it out there...

By the way, this is a small room,

75 people,

but play like it's 80.

And act happy, you hear me?

We always have to look happy.

Oh, cos that's how you're happy?

-F***.

Ladies and gentlemen,

comedy's national treasure, Todd Glass!

What I...

Shut up! Shut the f*** up!

I did not expect this.

Get a close up ofthis f***er

right over here.

You watch this...

That's right, everybody.

I know what I'm doing.

Some guys wouldn't do this much,

but I go for it.

If it costs extra, I don't give a sh*t.

Woah!

How you enjoying my standup so far?

Shut up!

Sure I play it big.

Sure I play it big. Enough already, right?

What?

Watch this.

Wow, let's get started, right?

I wanna let you know I'm not going to do

insult crowd work.

As a matter of fact, I won an award

for doing the most positive crowd work.

-I won an award--

-Oh, I won an award!

Well, I don't know

if it's that big of a deal--

I'm so fancy.

I'm Todd Glass, I win awards!

Well, I don't--

I wonder if it was a trophy

or a medal?

It must be one of them,

because it's an award.

-I'm gonna put it in my fridge!

-Wow!

Was it voted on

by his peers or by a board?

I won an award

as I do positive crowd work.

A lot of comedians come out,

"Where..." Leave people alone.

People are insecure.

They go out to feel better.

I do positive crowd work,

proving you can do it but still be nice.

For instance,

I really like your tattoos, they're...

See, that's funny.

You people don't know it.

Yeah. I love your bow tie...

Because I don't want to be one

of those comedians

who makes fun of the wrong groups.

You ever see comedy,

see a comedian like, "Oh...

"I'm pretty sure

he's throwing a verbal blow

"to a group of people

that might need a hug."

That looks shitty years later

when you watch your comedy

like, "I should've been

hugging those people,

not taking comedic blows at them."

"They're already getting the sh*t beat out

of them, I should defend them."

That is why,

may I get some reverb so people know

I'm really talking about something?

That is why, ladies and gentlemen,

that I had a joke...

about above-the-ground pools.

And I took it out of my act.

I'm not lying, folks.

I had a joke, every night

I'd come out here,

"Oh, above the ground pools..."

What if there's somebody

in this audience who has one?

The odds are, if you had to bet,

you'd say, "There's one."

They'd have to watch my show like,

"What's this joke about pools?

"Is our pool like a joke, or something?"

First of all, I won't do the joke

as I said I didn't do it.

I think you're like, "Can you tell us

what it was?" Sure.

But I won't sell it, "Hey, these pools..."

I used to really sell it. "Hey..."

But all I'm saying is

if you have an above-the-ground pool,

at least dig a hole and hide it,

that's all.

That would be great music

to have in real life.

Like if your credit card got declined.

"Sorry it's been declined."

You're like, "Oh, that's not..."

Is K

What don't they get? I'm being serious.

I hope it's funny, but you go, "Yeah..."

Everyone mocks it for being a shithole,

nobody goes, "What's the problem?"

You know, don't they see that Target...

Here's the business plan for Target...

"We'll sell what K-Mart sells,

but wipe sh*t off."

"Oh, yeah!

I think there might be something there."

Ever noticed inside Target

there's Starbucks?

It's a pretty good idea, two companies

that believe in customer satisfaction

can share a building,

most people don't think of it.

But I did one day...

"They're two different companies

sharing a building."

You have to agree on cleanliness,

on customer satisfaction.

I had a good idea.

Why don't they take...

K-Marts, right,

it's a good idea, seriously,

get past the laughter of it and go...

"Oh, yeah, this is actually a good idea!"

Take K-Marts and put 7-Elevens inside.

What do you think?

They can have

a big "who gives a sh*t?" festival.

Two companies that could give a f***

about the consumer.

God bless 'em, you know?

They go, "We're not like other companies,

'wipe things, customers are coming.'"

7-Eleven, this could be their motto:

"7-Eleven...

"We're open!" Maybe? I don't know.

Put a button on that.

Now I want to talk about Subway.

Sure, I go big.

Subway, it's not their food

I have a problem with,

it's their... look, it's too bright.

It's too bright.

It's so bright.

Put a lower bulb in there.

Whenever I say this, people go,

"All right, Todd, I agree

with your atmosphere sh*t but..."

I go, "Ha ha ha!"

That's funny, cos you know,

if ten years ago I'd said,

"Airlines should lower their lights,

use blue lights.

People would go, "OK, Todd..."

But Virgin America did it.

They f***ing got it!

Oh! How much more money is it

to have people get on a plane

that's not too f***ing bright?

Oh, it's free?

Everyone else is just a dumb f***?

Fly Virgin American just cos someone said,

"We don't have to look ugly we fly!"

I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

My goal is to make people change.

Even...

Is everything a joke to you, lady?

It probably is, you come out,

"Ha ha ha."

But I really do want people

to realize... I'll give you an example,

I'm being serious.

Most of your lights

at home are too bright, OK?

I know you're like, "Shu... Huh?"

When you have people over your house,

it's too bright.

I imagine everyone's thinking about when

they have people over,

going, "I don't think mine are."

No one goes, "Mine are too bright,

I don't give a f***." No, no.

People think lights go way up,

so they turn them up.

That's where the mistake starts,

because "the light goes up to there."

Do you turn everything way up?

How about the volume on your stereo?

I turn everything all the way up.

The oven if cooking.

It's up, it goes all the way up.

If you're sitting there now...

some people may think I'm right, others may say they know how

to set their houses up,

"I'm not perfect but not the worst."

You might be.

Go home and look at your hallway,

bathroom lighting.

When people come over,

the bathroom you provide for them.

If you go look at it

without boxing gloves on,

if you look at it and go, "F***.

He's right! I'm not in the gray area."

Let yourself off the hook.

But if you don't go, "What the f***?"

That's the room you provide people.

Even if you're not purposefully doing it,

you're going,"When people come over,

"I have a room

that leaves them feeling shitty.

"They'll look fat, look sweaty,

they'll look bloated. I give them that."

Restaurant are the same,

their bathrooms are too bright.

I go, "I hope you don't sell desserts

and go out of business."

You know what else?

Can Whole Foods help me out

with the bins of candy everywhere?

It's seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that's not an excuse,

cos what's not yours is not yours,

but you go in,

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