Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #2

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there are bins of candy just there.

Can't they put Velcro for some resistance?

You know, I have a good idea.

Can't they weigh you when you

come in and when you leave?

I'd be OK with that, so I could graze.

Lighten the ropes.

Sometimes when I have visitors,

I stage my refrigerator.

I head to Whole Foods to do it.

Like that wink? Don't put it in.

It was cheesy. Who am I?

Next I'll be kissing people

and doing this...

Waving at fake people

in the audience - an old trick.

People at home,

"I guess he knows a lot of people."

What am I, Wayne Newton?

So I stage my refrigerator,

a lot of you may do it

and not know what it means.

It means you have company coming,

you put better items in. You always act like, "What?"

Put like six glass waters.

"That's just how I live.

Is it different than most people?"

"I thought everyone had six glasses

of water lined up to the right."

"They don't do that? Shut up! No..."

"The lemonade with the corkscrew,

is that different?"

"Are there other types or something?"

I didn't contemplate that at Whole Foods

for three hours cos it was 40 cents more.

I go so far out of my way

to stage my refrigerator.

People come, mention it, I act...

It's embarrassing to talk about.

I really do it. I'm not stopping.

People go,

"Oh, milk in a glass container!"

I go, "I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff,

putting it in. I didn't notice."

Meanwhile, I've been refilling it

with cheaper milk for years.

I just ad lib this stuff,

I'm not worried about it.

No, that has nothing to do with that.

That's band cues. I don't give a sh*t.

Are you mad I don't give a sh*t?

Can you tell? Seriously.

If I gave a sh*t, would I sit...

Would I be here like this?

If you were walking down the street

and saw a guy leaning against the wall,

be honest, if he was like this...

You'd think he didn't give a sh*t.

I wanna be like them, not give a sh*t.

I'll sniff. Catch sh*t. "Throw me stuff."

I'll catch it and talk about other stuff.

"Throw me those keys.

We going to the mall?"

"Oh my God! He caught that,

he's already talking here".

It'd be about catching it, you know?

How about guys who get into

a take it easy fight? That's sad.

Ever see two guys get in one?

"Take it easy."

"I am. You take it easy!"

You know what this is, don't you?

They aren't in touch with their emotions.

Neither wants the other to know

he's got the best of him.

They act like they're taking it easy,

anyone watching from two feet away,

"I don't think either one's

taking it easy!"

"Take it easy." "I'm taking it easy!

You f***ing take it easy!"

"You take it easy!"

One guy probably gets his wife.

"Tell him I'm taking it easy."

"He is. He doesn't want to argue.

You should see him upset."

Why would I lie?

People say that too. "Why would I lie?"

To get out of something!

What, did you hope I was an idiot?

That's like when a detective,

you see real interrogation footage,

they go, "Why would I murder my family?

It's my family!"

Are they hoping

to get the world's dumbest detective?

"Yeah, why would you? Get out of here!

I didn't think of that."

Later, he's talking

to the other detectives.

They're like, "What happened to that guy?"

"He made a good point.

Why would you murder your family?"

"People do!"

"Sh*t, I didn't think of that. Get him."

"He's probably by the kerb area."

Do something.

Nah, it's too late.

I hit a food truck recently. True story.

I hit a food truck and uh...

I don't think there should be food trucks.

I hit the food truck

and broke the guy's bumper.

I understand having to pay for it,

my insurance company says...

I gotta get him a deep fryer, too?

That doesn't make sense!

What are you gonna do?

Sure, I understand

it's my fault I hit the truck.

If I gotta get him a tail light, I will.

But a pizza oven?

Sure, I understand it's my fault

if I hit him.

But I gotta get him tacos?

That doesn't make sense!

Sure, I hit the guy's car,

I want to take responsibility for it,

but I gotta get a five speed blender?

Yes, it's my fault, but I gotta

get him a pasta maker...

Put a button on it, goddammit!

Is that public domain?

Thank you.

You never know with these guys.

They think I'm rich.

Talking to me before the show...

"Make sure your songs are public domain!"

Great. I'll sing, "This old man

had a boat," whatever that song....

This old man, he played da

He played knick knack on his van

With a knick knack paddy whack

Give a dog a bone

This old man came rolling home!

Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen,

bring it down a bit...

Many don't know I'm famous for improv',

I might poke fun at it

I can improv' songs

about people in the first row.

I'm pretty good.

Look at this guy wearing a suit

He's got a red tie, he a black suit

You've a bow tie, you have brown

You have a red dress

You have glasses, you red hair

You a tattoo, you're brunette

You've got that and you're doing that

Everybody's wearing this

You wear that, you that,

You have that and you do this

You do that and you do this,

Everybody does this, you do that

This is public domain

I sing public domain songs

cos they're free

Don't give a sh*t

Don't wanna spend a lot

Da da dada da da da

Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny Cash.

QVC, it's better than you think!

You have to genuinely

start watching QVC.

Not just passing it by,

saying, "I get it. They make..."

It's sad! It is truly sad.

There's no way

the people who call in are real.

They're like, "I love your show."

What show

Why am I mad they think it's a show?

Cos I don't think they're real.

I think they're producers.

Nobody is calling in, "I love your show."

I'd like to meet one of those people.

"What's your favorite episode?"

"I love the one where they talk

about the vacuum for an hour." Oh...

"Oh, you have problems.

What's your other favorite shows?"

"I like the mall."

"Oh, you think stores are shows? OK!

"I understand."

It's more sad than anything.

They go, "Oh, you can get these pants

on FlexPay."

I promise you this is true.

It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay.

I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants?

They go, "8.88 a month."

They act like it's you only have to pay

that one bill.

Cos you got your pants on FlexPay,

every month you get your bill,

"OK... Got my 8.88!"

The rest of my paycheck

I'll go have fun with.

If you're putting pants on FlexPay,

you've already been at the end

of your financial rope.

You've already put sh*t on a credit card.

No one starts with pants

and works up to a house and boats.

House Hunters is hard for me

to complain about,

but let me explain something.

House Hunters...

Technically... It's hard to complain

about something you don't have to do.

So why don't you just not watch it

and not do this bit? All right.

I think I have a loophole.

I think they suck you in

at the 27-minute mark

where they show you the house.

They go in, then go:

"We've been here two weeks, or a month",

then show what they did.

I'm already looking around them

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