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Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #3
- Year:
- 2018
- 24 Views
when they're talking
I'm like, "Oh, what did they f*** up?"
Trying to see if they f***ed the kitchen.
You know.
They got cheap appliances, great.
That's all I waited for.
Then once in a while, they go,
"You did a good job, what I would do."
Mostly, they mess it up.
"Oh, we've been here a month.
I'm like, "Oh... I thought you wanted
to get rid of that."
There's always a guy walking around
looking where to put his TV.
I don't know why it bothers me.
I'm gonna guess, and I have,
it's like, "Can I put my TV there,
or should I put it there?"
The guy's a f***ing idiot.
Then I thought,
"You shouldn't call people idiots."
What do you call a guy
buying the biggest purchase
based on where to put his TV?
Idiot, right?
It's more about this relationship,
to put his TV, and then..
he wants to know where
he can have his man cave.
Why does man cave rub me the wrong way?
I have friends that are happily married.
Some of them need to get away
from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away
from significant others.
But none of my friends
are happily married.
None will go, "If only I had a room
she couldn't come in! Hehehehe!"
Are you sure you're OK
"I need a man cave!
To get away from that!"
To get away from that
You're married!
"I need a man cave!"
I'm thinking of giving this bit
to Brian Regan.
I need a man cave! Need to get away
from the thing I married!
I wanna get a man cave
to cave sit in the woods.
I need to get away,
I need a cave and a room to hide in
from my significant other
that I chose to be with!
Build me a room,
I'll never let her in, ever!
Wow! That's fun to do. Um...
The other person,
they're sexist on the show,
they show the guy with the man cave,
the woman wants a walk-in closet.
On that show,it's always,
"Does it have a walk"
I'm not exaggerating.
It's sad, sometimes.
It's like,
"I have... I have so many things!"
They'll show them a house
with a small walk-in,
they feel it's necessary,
knowing there's a camera crew,
to go, "That's not even enough
for my things!
"I got a lot of things,
I don't think you understand!"
"All I need is a walk-in closet.
I could put my favorite chair in it."
You need a walk-in closet,
you need a man cave,
why not get couple's counseling
But that's more of a TED Talk...
They want their granite countertops
so bad!
Oh, do they.
"Does it have granite countertops?"
"Our friends from Irvine have them,
we need them!"
I... Just relax, it's not that important.
"Does it have stainless steel?"
You know? Stop it, already.
You know, Timothy...
I have an idea...
Hopefully, you can do something illegal
and get put in prison,
have all the stainless steel you want.
These are just ideas.
Then, when you're in prison,
maybe you'll get killed,
then you'll get granite countertops
with your name on!
No. Let's not...
There are certain things,
nah, that's OK... Didn't I tell ya?
A dear friend, Rory Scovel...
F*** Rory Scovel!
F*** Rory Scovel!
F*** Rory Scovel!
F*** Rory Scovel!
F*** Rory Scovel!
-F***...
-Rory Scovel is my friend!
F*** Rory Scovel!
-F*** Rory Scovel!
F*** Rory Scovel!
-Rory Scovel is my friend!
-F*** Rory Scovel!
-F*** Rory Scovel!
-All right.
F*** Rory Scovel! -F*** Rory Scovel!
-Yeah.
F*** Rory Scovel...
Does it work on you guys, too?
Ever have something bother you
and you don't know why?
and you know why. Sometimes you wonder.
It doesn't bother anyone else,
but I'll say it.
If there's one person here, I can tell,
who it bothers, I'll be happy.
I don't like when people walk backwards
on the treadmill. I just...
All right, you're great.
Oh, what muscle are you working? Please.
It's like when people overstretch.
Not all people overstretch.
Sometimes at the gym
I see somebody stretching.
It's healthy to stretch,
that person gets it.
Other times, I go,
"Shut the f*** up with your stretching!"
Shut the f*** up with what you're doing,
that's all.
Other than that, who cares?
This bothers me,
if it doesn't bother you, I understand,
of the bathroom flossing,
walking around the bedroom
and neither of you mind, that's OK,
asks you not to,
don't make them the crazy person.
You're walking out...
I had my sister-in-law and my brother
staying in my guest room...
-Oh! I have a guest room! Wow!
-That's not even a brag.
I'm so wealthy!
-I'm not saying I'm wealthy.
-I have a room
I don't even use, I just have guests, wow!
Oh, I already have enough rooms,
but I guess I could use a couple more.
I am so Todd Glass! This is my...
She comes out of the bedroom flossing,
she's like, "How are you?"
Food particles are flying all over,
I said, "Please, don't do that."
She goes, "They're just teeny pieces."
Most expect me to say,
"No, they're gigantic."
No, they're smaller than teeny,
probably closer to microscopic,
but if someone came over your house,
this is to everyone flossing,
you can floss all you want,
but you can't wiggle out of what I say.
You have to go, "F***, that's true",
and just soak it in.
Here's the deal,
if you floss walking around your house
and this happened, you'd have no defense.
Say someone came with a bucket
of the things they'd saved for ten years,
every time they floss
they put it in a bucket,
they come to your house,
take a handful with a plastic glove,
you're "ewwing" at the thought,
I wanted to wear a glove to calm you,
and they take that plastic glove
all over your bedroom.
Your only defence is, if you floss,
going, "No, we do that slowly."
That's all you got. I hope you're happy.
Thank you.
I swear to God, to the truth,
I told her, "If ever a joke doesn't hit
give me a triangle."
I thought that did all right!
Apparently she goes,"I think
this is a time he needs my help."
Pigeons can get on my nerves.
I like to get mad about pigeons.
Here's the deal with pigeons. Sometimes
I think they're passive aggressive.
You ever... OK.
You know when the light turns green,
there's pigeons, I see it in the city,
and the pigeons run out of the way
at the last second,
they're like this
then they literally start hustling.
And they're eating stuff out of the road,
I'm not making fun of pigeons.
Last night, this is true,
why would I make it up?
Right where you're sitting,
were two pigeons.
Two pigeons sitting right there,
and go, "I don't care
about making fun of pigeons,
but are they pigeon jokes
That's OK. You can make fun of people,
but not group make fun.
If you leave this room tonight
and tell your friends,
"He said he had pigeons in the first row,
there weren't pigeons."
They'll go, "How does that benefit him?"
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"Todd Glass: Act Happy" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/todd_glass:_act_happy_22005>.
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