Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #3

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when they're talking

I'm like, "Oh, what did they f*** up?"

Trying to see if they f***ed the kitchen.

You know.

They got cheap appliances, great.

That's all I waited for.

Then once in a while, they go,

"You did a good job, what I would do."

Mostly, they mess it up.

"Oh, we've been here a month.

We added popcorn ceilings."

I'm like, "Oh... I thought you wanted

to get rid of that."

There's always a guy walking around

looking where to put his TV.

I don't know why it bothers me.

I'm gonna guess, and I have,

it's like, "Can I put my TV there,

or should I put it there?"

The guy's a f***ing idiot.

Then I thought,

"You shouldn't call people idiots."

What do you call a guy

buying the biggest purchase

based on where to put his TV?

Idiot, right?

It's more about this relationship,

he's worried where he's going

to put his TV, and then..

he wants to know where

he can have his man cave.

Why does man cave rub me the wrong way?

I have friends that are happily married.

Some of them need to get away

from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away

from significant others.

I'm not talking about that...

But none of my friends

are happily married.

None will go, "If only I had a room

she couldn't come in! Hehehehe!"

Are you sure you're OK

"I need a man cave!

To get away from that!"

To get away from that

You're married!

"I need a man cave!"

I'm thinking of giving this bit

to Brian Regan.

I need a man cave! Need to get away

from the thing I married!

I wanna get a man cave

to cave sit in the woods.

I need to get away,

I need a cave and a room to hide in

from my significant other

that I chose to be with!

Build me a room,

I'll never let her in, ever!

Wow! That's fun to do. Um...

The other person,

they're sexist on the show,

they show the guy with the man cave,

the woman wants a walk-in closet.

On that show,it's always,

"Does it have a walk"

I'm not exaggerating.

It's sad, sometimes.

It's like,

"I have... I have so many things!"

They'll show them a house

with a small walk-in,

they feel it's necessary,

knowing there's a camera crew,

to go, "That's not even enough

for my things!

"I got a lot of things,

I don't think you understand!"

"All I need is a walk-in closet.

I could put my favorite chair in it."

You need a walk-in closet,

you need a man cave,

why not get couple's counseling

and enjoy your living room?

But that's more of a TED Talk...

They want their granite countertops

so bad!

Oh, do they.

"Does it have granite countertops?"

"Our friends from Irvine have them,

we need them!"

I... Just relax, it's not that important.

"Does it have stainless steel?"

You know? Stop it, already.

You know, Timothy...

I have an idea...

Hopefully, you can do something illegal

and get put in prison,

have all the stainless steel you want.

These are just ideas.

Then, when you're in prison,

maybe you'll get killed,

then you'll get granite countertops

with your name on!

No. Let's not...

There are certain things,

nah, that's OK... Didn't I tell ya?

A dear friend, Rory Scovel...

F*** Rory Scovel!

F*** Rory Scovel!

F*** Rory Scovel!

F*** Rory Scovel!

F*** Rory Scovel!

-F***...

-Rory Scovel is my friend!

F*** Rory Scovel!

-F*** Rory Scovel!

F*** Rory Scovel!

-Rory Scovel is my friend!

-F*** Rory Scovel!

-F*** Rory Scovel!

-All right.

F*** Rory Scovel! -F*** Rory Scovel!

-Yeah.

F*** Rory Scovel...

Does it work on you guys, too?

Ever have something bother you

and you don't know why?

Sometimes things bother you

and you know why. Sometimes you wonder.

It doesn't bother anyone else,

but I'll say it.

If there's one person here, I can tell,

who it bothers, I'll be happy.

I don't like when people walk backwards

on the treadmill. I just...

All right, you're great.

Oh, what muscle are you working? Please.

It's like when people overstretch.

Not all people overstretch.

Sometimes at the gym

I see somebody stretching.

It's healthy to stretch,

that person gets it.

Other times, I go,

"Shut the f*** up with your stretching!"

Shut the f*** up with what you're doing,

that's all.

Other than that, who cares?

This bothers me,

if it doesn't bother you, I understand,

if your partner comes out

of the bathroom flossing,

walking around the bedroom

and neither of you mind, that's OK,

but if someone corrects you,

asks you not to,

don't make them the crazy person.

You're walking out...

I had my sister-in-law and my brother

staying in my guest room...

-Oh! I have a guest room! Wow!

-That's not even a brag.

I'm so wealthy!

-I'm not saying I'm wealthy.

-I have a room

I don't even use, I just have guests, wow!

Oh, I already have enough rooms,

but I guess I could use a couple more.

I am so Todd Glass! This is my...

She comes out of the bedroom flossing,

she's like, "How are you?"

Food particles are flying all over,

I said, "Please, don't do that."

She goes, "They're just teeny pieces."

Most expect me to say,

"No, they're gigantic."

No, they're smaller than teeny,

probably closer to microscopic,

but if someone came over your house,

this is to everyone flossing,

you can floss all you want,

but you can't wiggle out of what I say.

You have to go, "F***, that's true",

and just soak it in.

Here's the deal,

if you floss walking around your house

and this happened, you'd have no defense.

Say someone came with a bucket

of the things they'd saved for ten years,

every time they floss

they put it in a bucket,

they come to your house,

take a handful with a plastic glove,

you're "ewwing" at the thought,

I wanted to wear a glove to calm you,

and they take that plastic glove

and start throwing stuff

all over your bedroom.

Your only defence is, if you floss,

going, "No, we do that slowly."

That's all you got. I hope you're happy.

Thank you.

I swear to God, to the truth,

I told her, "If ever a joke doesn't hit

give me a triangle."

I thought that did all right!

Apparently she goes,"I think

this is a time he needs my help."

Pigeons can get on my nerves.

I like to get mad about pigeons.

Here's the deal with pigeons. Sometimes

I think they're passive aggressive.

I think they could be a bit.

You ever... OK.

You know when the light turns green,

there's pigeons, I see it in the city,

and the pigeons run out of the way

at the last second,

they're like this

then they literally start hustling.

And they're eating stuff out of the road,

I'm not making fun of pigeons.

Last night, this is true,

why would I make it up?

Right where you're sitting,

were two pigeons.

Two pigeons sitting right there,

I started my pigeon material

and go, "I don't care

about making fun of pigeons,

but are they pigeon jokes

pigeons could laugh at?"

That's OK. You can make fun of people,

but not group make fun.

If you leave this room tonight

and tell your friends,

"He said he had pigeons in the first row,

there weren't pigeons."

They'll go, "How does that benefit him?"

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