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Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #4
- Year:
- 2018
- 24 Views
You're gonna look stupid.
You'll go, "I guess he could benefit.
Why would he make it up?"
I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down,
they were like, "It's so true!"
Nothing makes me happier than that.
But sometimes...
they eat stuff on the road, why
do they have to wait til the last minute?
There's not London broil in there,
they're eating sand! You know?
They run out of the way,
I think they're passive aggressive,
acting like they're trying their hardest,
"If only I could fly..."
Wait, you can fly!
Jump and stay jumped, all right?
They're like, "Haha, suck my pigeon dick!"
Whoa!
"Suck my pigeon dick,"
a good name for my special.
There are things
that literally I've thought about for...
ten years ago
I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow
I haven't stopped talking about it.
I wanna figure it out, I wanna go,
"Was I getting upset with nothing
or was she doing something?"
Cos I'm very open to go,
"That has nothing to do with her
and everything to do with you."
She was eating it like, "Oh, I'm so...
just eating... No. What?"
You know! You eat it like that
when nobody's around
It's eleven o'clock at night,
you crave a KitKat, nobody's looking,
you eat it and put it down?
Then she was reading her book
going back and forth,
I'm like, "You're full of sh*t!
Is that book as good as a KitKat?"
No, I'm not aggressive.
I just want to know if that book
is as good as that KitKat.
Is it chocolaty and crunchy? I'm not
trying to be rude. That's all I'm asking.
Then she puts her KitKat
on the tray table, honestly,
reads the book for six minutes,
I'm like, "No!
You don't stop f***ing
to have soup." That's a good analogy.
It is, cos it makes you get past it.
"Oh, no, you haven't had my soup.
Let's f***, have some soup."
I'm sure the f***ing's better!
I have a confession to make.
Sometimes when I'm on stage,
I'll talk about how cute dogs are.
When I see the audience doesn't match
my intensity, I started pulling back.
I'm like, "They're so cute.
You want to mush their little faces."
People are with me.
I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them.
Like not to, you know,
but you get a little, right?
I mean bite.Like, I'll turn
their little lip up and suck it.
They're so good, and once
they're next to you like...
You're like,
"Oh, you're letting me do this.
Let me really get this. What's
under your lips? It's all goodness.
Let me see your ear,
let me suck on that ear.
Everything about you's f***ing...
You're non-judgemental, kind, decent,
I wanna suck it out of you.
I want some of that in me."You know?
Everyone has a voice for their dog.
You just do it naturally.
she was a bulldog.
When I was eating,
she had a voice, she'd casually do it,
she'd go, "Oh, my God," if she could talk,
don't think I'm losing my mind,
"Oh, my God, I love chicken!
I'm not even just saying it."
You know, like, other dogs are like,
"Whatever you have, I really like it."
I'd go, "Ursula, it's pizza."
"I love pizza. Is it from that place?"
So cute. I used to come home
I did it for seven months,
my friends were out of town.
At first, when I came home, she didn't
look like she cared about me. She'd be...
I'd walk by, I'd be like, "Hey, Ursula."
My mom told me,
"Treat her like a Golden Retriever.
Her grumpy face
doesn't match her heart."
I walk in one day, I swear this is true,
I go, "Ursula!"
She's like, "Oh, my God!"
I said, "I love you."
She started running around like crazy.
I'm like, "She thought I didn't like her.
I thought she didn't like me."
Then I figured out
she laughs at aggression.
I can yell at her and she loves it.
But I yell at her nice things.
I'll be like, "No, Urusla..."
I'll do this with nobody around. "No, it's not my fault you're so cute.
I have to bite you!"
She's like...
"Are you wearing new perfume?
It's driving me f***ing nuts!"
That doesn't scare her.
When people say,"Dogs don't
understand verbiage, only tone."
Tell them to get the f*** away.
You know those people,
they don't think we understand
that there are boundaries
in human and dog relationships.
that they think, they think...
They have to go, "The only reason
your dog licks you is for the salt."
I have to do their voice like that,
I don't know how else
someone would come to that conclusion.
It seems like you're nervous
for sh*t to talk about.
You've told a lot of people, not just me.
I wanna know
why you're telling everyone that.
"The only reason your dog licks you
is the salt."
Great. I'll go home and hit my dog,
"What am I, a salt lick? You f***!
"I thought you wanted to f*** me!"
Everyone has a voice for their dog,
I take her to the park,
"I know what you're thinking,
'What's everybody patting me for?'"
I go, "Sir, that's not my dog's voice.
I have one, it's not..."
He's here tonight.
Some people say "I hate cats."
First of all relax.
"I hate cats." Really?
Really
Isn't the truth you saw a cat you loved,
a big fat tabby cat come out
of someone's bedroom
you went, "Pst", it walked away,
"F*** I hate cats."
No, cats hate you. Come on!
No, come on. I got you good.
Well...
This is a song
I wrote
In case
I:
Didn't
Think
I:
Had an hour of material!
I was worried
That I didn't have enough material!
When you do a special
They think you have an hour
I ran it up in San Francisco
And I wasn't sure
So I wrote this song
In case I didn't have enough material Now, I would think
That I have enough now
But I'm never sure
So I wrote this song
Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha
Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha
Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha
Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha
This is a song I wrote
In case I didn't think
I'd have enough material
Blah blah blah-blah
Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah-blah
Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah
Blah blah blah-blah blah blah
OK, I think I'm good.
You gotta chug it out.
Let's talk about Sea World...
They're deciding to do away
with torturing animals.
I can't believe
they got away with it this long.
They always interrupt the news,
"A killer whale has killed a trainer."
It's sad when a human loses their life,
but unpredictable?
They interrupt the news
like this is unpredictable.
We tend to give unpredictable events
the most empathy.
They couldn't have prevented it.
Ever had a friend who complains
and you think, "He brings it on himself."
Imagine that friend doing this
in your house,
picture it!
Your friend goes,
"You'll never believe what happened,
and it's not like when I did drugs.
Something happened.
Nobody could've seen this coming.
Just listen, OK?
I... This is gonna take a turn,
I got a killer whale out of the ocean
with a crane. Just listen...
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"Todd Glass: Act Happy" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/todd_glass:_act_happy_22005>.
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