Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #4

---

You're gonna look stupid.

You'll go, "I guess he could benefit.

Why would he make it up?"

I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down,

they were like, "It's so true!"

Nothing makes me happier than that.

But sometimes...

they eat stuff on the road, why

do they have to wait til the last minute?

There's not London broil in there,

they're eating sand! You know?

They run out of the way,

I think they're passive aggressive,

acting like they're trying their hardest,

"If only I could fly..."

Wait, you can fly!

Jump and stay jumped, all right?

They're like, "Haha, suck my pigeon dick!"

Whoa!

"Suck my pigeon dick,"

a good name for my special.

There are things

that literally I've thought about for...

I'm likely sanding years off,

ten years ago

I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow

I haven't stopped talking about it.

I wanna figure it out, I wanna go,

"Was I getting upset with nothing

or was she doing something?"

Cos I'm very open to go,

"That has nothing to do with her

and everything to do with you."

She was eating it like, "Oh, I'm so...

just eating... No. What?"

You know! You eat it like that

when nobody's around

It's eleven o'clock at night,

you crave a KitKat, nobody's looking,

you eat it and put it down?

Then she was reading her book

going back and forth,

I'm like, "You're full of sh*t!

Is that book as good as a KitKat?"

No, I'm not aggressive.

I just want to know if that book

is as good as that KitKat.

Is it chocolaty and crunchy? I'm not

trying to be rude. That's all I'm asking.

Then she puts her KitKat

on the tray table, honestly,

reads the book for six minutes,

I'm like, "No!

You don't stop f***ing

to have soup." That's a good analogy.

It is, cos it makes you get past it.

"Oh, no, you haven't had my soup.

Let's f***, have some soup."

I'm sure the f***ing's better!

I have a confession to make.

Sometimes when I'm on stage,

I'll talk about how cute dogs are.

When I see the audience doesn't match

my intensity, I started pulling back.

I'm like, "They're so cute.

You want to mush their little faces."

People are with me.

I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them.

Like not to, you know,

but you get a little, right?

I mean bite.Like, I'll turn

their little lip up and suck it.

They're so good, and once

they're next to you like...

You're like,

"Oh, you're letting me do this.

Let me really get this. What's

under your lips? It's all goodness.

Let me see your ear,

let me suck on that ear.

Everything about you's f***ing...

You're non-judgemental, kind, decent,

I wanna suck it out of you.

I want some of that in me."You know?

Everyone has a voice for their dog.

You just do it naturally.

I watched a dog named Ursula,

she was a bulldog.

When I was eating,

she had a voice, she'd casually do it,

she'd go, "Oh, my God," if she could talk,

don't think I'm losing my mind,

"Oh, my God, I love chicken!

I'm not even just saying it."

You know, like, other dogs are like,

"Whatever you have, I really like it."

I'd go, "Ursula, it's pizza."

"I love pizza. Is it from that place?"

So cute. I used to come home

when I first watched her,

I did it for seven months,

my friends were out of town.

At first, when I came home, she didn't

look like she cared about me. She'd be...

I'd walk by, I'd be like, "Hey, Ursula."

My mom told me,

"Treat her like a Golden Retriever.

Her grumpy face

doesn't match her heart."

I thought about that.

I walk in one day, I swear this is true,

I go, "Ursula!"

She's like, "Oh, my God!"

She started flipping out.

I said, "I love you."

She started running around like crazy.

I'm like, "She thought I didn't like her.

I thought she didn't like me."

Then I figured out

she laughs at aggression.

I can yell at her and she loves it.

But I yell at her nice things.

I'll be like, "No, Urusla..."

I'll do this with nobody around. "No, it's not my fault you're so cute.

I have to bite you!"

She's like...

"Are you wearing new perfume?

It's driving me f***ing nuts!"

That doesn't scare her.

When people say,"Dogs don't

understand verbiage, only tone."

Tell them to get the f*** away.

You know those people,

they don't think we understand

that there are boundaries

in human and dog relationships.

They're so worried about it

that they think, they think...

They have to go, "The only reason

your dog licks you is for the salt."

I have to do their voice like that,

I don't know how else

someone would come to that conclusion.

It seems like you're nervous

for sh*t to talk about.

You've told a lot of people, not just me.

I wanna know

why you're telling everyone that.

"The only reason your dog licks you

is the salt."

Great. I'll go home and hit my dog,

"What am I, a salt lick? You f***!

"I thought you wanted to f*** me!"

Everyone has a voice for their dog,

I take her to the park,

a guy comes over, being nice,

"I know what you're thinking,

'What's everybody patting me for?'"

I go, "Sir, that's not my dog's voice.

I have one, it's not..."

He's here tonight.

Some people say "I hate cats."

First of all relax.

"I hate cats." Really?

Really

Isn't the truth you saw a cat you loved,

a big fat tabby cat come out

of someone's bedroom

you went, "Pst", it walked away,

"F*** I hate cats."

No, cats hate you. Come on!

No, come on. I got you good.

Well...

This is a song

I wrote

In case

I:

Didn't

Think

I:

Had an hour of material!

I was worried

That I didn't have enough material!

When you do a special

They think you have an hour

I ran it up in San Francisco

And I wasn't sure

So I wrote this song

In case I didn't have enough material Now, I would think

That I have enough now

But I'm never sure

So I wrote this song

Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha

Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha

Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha

Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha

This is a song I wrote

In case I didn't think

I'd have enough material

Blah blah blah-blah

Blah blah blah blah blah

Blah blah blah-blah

Blah blah blah blah blah

Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah

Blah blah blah-blah blah blah

OK, I think I'm good.

You gotta chug it out.

Let's talk about Sea World...

They're deciding to do away

with torturing animals.

I can't believe

they got away with it this long.

They always interrupt the news,

"A killer whale has killed a trainer."

It's sad when a human loses their life,

but unpredictable?

They interrupt the news

like this is unpredictable.

We tend to give unpredictable events

the most empathy.

They couldn't have prevented it.

Ever had a friend who complains

and you think, "He brings it on himself."

Imagine that friend doing this

in your house,

picture it!

Your friend goes,

"You'll never believe what happened,

and it's not like when I did drugs.

Something happened.

Nobody could've seen this coming.

Just listen, OK?

I... This is gonna take a turn,

it's gonna freak you out.

I got a killer whale out of the ocean

with a crane. Just listen...

It takes a freaky turn.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes