Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #5

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Whatever you're guessing,

get it out of your head.

So we put it in a baby pool

in my backyard.

"It's scared shitless

cos it doesn't have its sonar.

"A friend of mine sits on it

and tries to teach it tricks.

You won't believe what happened."

"Did it kill him out of fear?"

"Shut up! How did you guess?"

The guys that stupid, he can't believe.

"There's no way I could've predicted that!

That's crazy!"

Can I tell you something else?

I want you to go home,

take your fish tanks

and empty them into the street!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

when I came to LA in the early 90s,

there were fish running all

over the place!

Come on, it's not a joke.

And another thing...

the big fanfare gets a bit much,

people criticize.

But I will tell you,

give me a little more,

let's talk about declawing cats...

People in the audience have cats,

I'm gonna talk about declawing cats.

There might be people

who have declawed cats

like, "Will I enjoy this bit?"

If you have a declawed cat,

it's OK, you already declawed it,

how can you realize I made a point

if I don't let you out of the guilt

of having done it. People are, "It's me."

If your cat's declawed, your pool

above ground, I doubt you like my show..

If your cat is,

go home if you want to relieve yourself,

but go home and tape knives to its feet,

let it scrape up some of the furniture.

But if declawing your cats makes sense,

the role play coming up

shouldn't seem silly.

Imagine someone, "You talk

about loving cats but don't have one."

"They scrape up furniture,

I couldn't get one."

They go, "No... You don't just not get it,

you adapt it to you.

Bring it to the vet,

they pull it out with pliers.

A well thought-out person doesn't

think 'I won't get one.'

My daughter wanted a giraffe,

I had to have its feet cut off!

My son wanted a lion,

I had its teeth sanded down."

Bring it home, guys!

Now, let's talk organized religion.

There is no Better Business Bureau,

can we agree?

If there was,

wouldn't they have stopped that?

Even if they did almost nothing.

"They'd stop organized religion,

it's an atrocity."

No, seriously, I'm not talking

about your belief in God, relax.

So many are going, "Whoa."

If you believe in God,

you go directly to God,

"Organized religion's done a lot

of damage," I do.

I'm talking about organized religion,

if...

If Nike said, "If you don't

buy our product, you'll rot in Hell,"

the Better Business Bureau would say

"You can't say that."

"But we believe it."

"You can't say it."

Some people worry

about their eternal life.

I think it might be how kind you are

while here. That might be it.

That's why you wanna make sure you aren't

giving a group of people a hard time

you should be making breathe easier.

There's natural disasters,

we all know that,

there's earthquakes, there's floods,

that's what's supposed

to destruct against our will,

people are only here to be nice.

If you use your energy

to make a group feel less,

you're another natural disaster.

Who cares? I don't want to be preachy.

Let's have fun.

Are you having a good time, everybody?

I don't wanna...

That's not what I'm here to talk about!

I enjoy smoking, it works for me.

I don't smoke during the day,

I'm not a daytime pot smoker,

cos I'm not productive.

Once I did, or twice in my whole life,

I smoked during the day.

All I did was call all my friends and go,

"Oh, my God, I'm so high!"

I wanted them to say how high they were.

I don't want to hang with people like,

"I drive good high,"

you don't get high good!

It makes no sense. "I get high,

follow the rules of the road. It's fun.

There's nothing like getting high

and merging."

Sure, maybe I'll do some heroin

and do my taxes!

I know how to enjoy life, I really do!

But, uh, you know, I was on a plane,

a woman offered me a Reese's cup.

I said, I'd smoked pot

a few times on a plane, won't again.

It wasn't the worst thing ever,

but I just said stuff.

She goes, "Want a Reese's cup?"

I said, "I'd like both."

Then I go,

because... And I understand

what I meant,

I don't enjoy one Reese's cup,

just one and nothing.

If I have a bowl of them,

I enjoy every one,

cos there's seven more, ten more,

preferably more.

When I get to the last one, I'm like,

"May as well throw it out,

I won't enjoy it."

So, that's all I wanted.

I'll say things my friends will figure out

right away.

I'll say one thing,

all heads will turn in the car.

Once I was driving

through a shitty neighborhood,

I saw a bird and said, "Why would a bird

live in a shitty neighborhood?"

He's like, "Are you high?"

I'm like, "How did you know?"

I thought it was so perceptive

that a good friend was able to...

I go, "Seriously, how did you know?"

"You asked why a bird would live

in a shitty neighborhood..." "Oh, yeah!"

"How come there's extra large

and extra small, but no extra medium?"

"That's a good thought!"

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

is there any bit I haven't done

and now's a good time? Yell it out.

Do the bit aboutwhen you were little.

All right, there we go. Um...

-Richard.

OK, cool. There you go.

When I was little,

my head was the same size

and every picture of me,

my parents are making an album,

they send me pictures,

every one is me like this...

Now, I'm 11 or 12, even eight,

every picture's like this.

Because I was always asking questions,

like, "Why don't we have

a circle driveway?"

No kid should want a circle driveway,

we'll talk about that, I did want one.

I asked my parents, "Mom,

why don't we have a circle driveway?"

I was in Fifth Grade!

The Nalibotskis had a nice circle drive,

I'd stare at it like this.

I wanted it so bad.

Those people years later,

this is true, I promise, came to my show,

they came over,

"You probably don't remember,"

Which I didn't, when they said

I remembered I loved circle driveways.

They go, "We had a circle driveway,

an important part of the story."

I go, "I don't know what I did,

but I badly wanted one."

"We don't know how old you were,

you walked to school staring at it."

I was!

They tell me I was staring at their drive

like this.

They came out and said something

like "Can we help you"

I go, "How much is that?"

I wanted to go home and tell my parents.

"Look, this is like 100 bucks."

I swear I remember asking my parents

why we didn't have one,

she goes, " We didn't want one." Shut up!

The builder asks if you want a free one,

"Nah, we don't like it.

"We like a regular driveway,

what do we give a sh*t"

When I was little, I'd look

at adults and go,

"I want to be them. I could do that."

I had no idea what I'd do for a living.

My parents were so worried

I wouldn't find anything to do,

I wasn't retaining anything in school.

Because of that, whatever I did

they'd go, "You could be a dog walker."

I'm like, "I'm gonna be all right" Um...

I'd go to the car wash,

I saw the owner walking around

and go, "I could do that, look at him.

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