Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #6

---

Walking around telling people what to do.

Looks fun! 'Customers waiting!'

I think I'd really get into that."

Once, my dad's car came through,

and he goes,"Kevin, run that guy's car

through again, it's filthy."

My dad goes, "That's OK."

He goes, "No, no, no."

Then me and my brothers did a bit all day

as the guy not taking no for an answer.

Even at that age we did bits.

The bit was, "No, it's OK."

He'd go, "No! You got a shitty Impala,

this is probably your only good day.

Let me f***ing wash it.

My name's out there!

Sure you don't care, look at you!

Your wife's probably not attractive.

Let me run it through again."

My dad would be, "OK, whatever."

There was a restaurant owner,

I thought for sure I could be him.

He'd walk around, he knew everybody.

I was impressed with that.

Ever been to a place where they do that?

"How you doing? Good to see you."

"I could do that." "Hey, you good?"

He didn't know much about everybody,

he'd walk fast.

"Good to see you.

Mom's OK Haha!"

They're like, "I don't know."

He goes, "Gotta run!"

"I don't... Maybe I mentioned a car

to this guy...

Maybe he has a better memory than me."

He'd always say hello to people.

One time, I was maybe 13,

but I remember this, so does my brother,

the owner of the restaurant got

the guy's name completely wrong.

He's like, "Hey, Bill."

The guy goes, "Actually, my name is..."

And he got out of it. Watch.

This guy did it. This is real, he did it.

When I do it,

you'll be like, "That works."

What's your name, sir?

Kale, that's a great name.

You should change yours to Kale.

I'll say, "How you doing, Bob?"

You'll say, "Actually, it's Kale." OK?

I'll walk through, "How ya doing, Bobby?"

"It's Kale."

Give me chance to say my line first,

then "It's Kale."

People f*** it up a lot.

-My name's Kale.

That's all right. Have fun.

Good to see ya. You good?

You good?

The guy was like, "Aw, I will have fun!"

How the hell did he just do that?

"Have fun." Put it on him.

"Don't worry about it."

Sometimes when you do stand up

you exaggerate the truth,

but I'm being genuine with you.

About five years ago,

I had a heart attack.

-Oh, I had a heart attack!

-That's not even bragging.

-Wow! Look at me.

-That's not bragging.

-My arteries got clogged.

I got thrown in an ambulance!

I honestly had a heart attack

about five years ago.

I'm fine now, don't be upset.

It was after a show,

Sarah Silverman& Friends had a show,

After...

You'd do the show,

Sarah'd like to smoke pot.

She'd put a friend on as a headliner,

me, of course...

After the show, I didn't feel well,

I didn't know what it was.

I thought I'd run

around the audience too much doing bits.

I got off stage feeling ill,

thought it would pass.

I thought I'd smoked too much.

I'm a one-pot hit.

Doug Benson was there,

lot of other comedians.

They had three joints going,

it hit me five times, I was like, "Eh."

Finally, I said,

"I think I'm too high to go on."

Doug goes, "What was that like?"

You're like it all the time.

It's too high for me, not you.

He didn't understand,

he thought he'd never been too high.

I can't handle it. I need to pace myself.

I can't be high where I float in the air.

I wish I could let myself go.

No matter how much pot I've ever smoked,

how much mushrooms I've done,

I've only tried those drugs,

I still can't stop cleaning.

I don't know what it would take.

I'm gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin,

I'd still dry the sink out.

I'd be, you know... Have a...

I'd be fainting on the floor

like "Must dry sink" on heroin.

Finally, an ambulance comes,

and I don't want to get in the ambulance.

The paramedic's pretty smart, he goes,

"Why don't we just put you in

and save you a trip to the ER."

It worked. Got in.

Two minutes later, he goes,

"I don't want to alarm you,

but you're having a heart attack."

Firstly, that's alarming,

what else will they say or do?

"No, that's cool."

I'd blow a bubble or something,

Um...

As they go to shut the doors,

I have one of those moments,

I don't have them often,

but you get a moment where you look

at yourself like,

"Really, is this how I want

to continue this lie?"

Cos as they're shutting the doors,

I yell to Sarah, "Call my girlfriend!"

Uh-eh... Uh-eh...

Very, you know... Uh-eh...

Call my girlfriend. Like...

Later I asked if she knew what I meant

she said yeah.

I think from how you said it,

"Girlfriend", everyone knew.

You were like, "Girlfriend, right, Sarah?

My girlfriend!"

What was I afraid of? People going,

"He's having a heart attack.

I think he like dudes."

So, I will tell you this,

I don't talk about it that much

cos some of the verbiage is hard for me

to maneuver,

I'm not crazy about the phrase,

"Coming out of the closet",

it seems a bit flamboyant for me.

Maybe,"Busting out of the shed"

would work a little better.

I'd feel cooler. Like...

But the um...

uh... thing where

my friends figured it out

was, first of all, I talked

about a guy I was with,

I'd always said girl,

never messed up on stage.

Nobody thought it was weird,

it shows relationships are relationships.

It's not up for debate. That seems cocky.

It's all the same. Proof of it.

I did a 15-year experiment

talking out a guy on stage

saying it was a girl.

Nobody went, "It doesn't sound like..."

All the couples, all sexes, were like,

"It's just like us! Haha!"

Well, I got news, fuckface!

For 15 years, seriously, "That's like us!

That is just like us!"

And that's my point. It's the same, right?

Sorry, I didn't meant to yell. Anyway...

Granted, I would've got caught out

if I told some stories, but I never did.

If I was like,

"So, I was talking to my girlfriend,

she was peeing next to me

in the bathroom...

She wanted to go eat..." People are like,

"How does she pee..."

And I think that, um...

Most friends said they figured out later,

some knew, some didn't care,

some said it was by my relationship

because you could tell...

I always hid behind...

Guys that are buddies

with their friends argue,

sometimes it's a joke,

"You seem like you're dating",

and they're just friends,

so I hid behind that.

But people could tell.

I'd go, "No, you said if we did something

you wanted to do last week,

we could do something I wanted

this week, you promised!"

People are like,

"I think they're more than friends."

"I have a friend,

but we don't care that much."

Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but...

So.. Anyway...

They put me in the ambulance,

bring me to hospital.

we're in the E.R., a nurse comes,

"We have really good news,

one of our best surgeons just pulled in."

That's not good news.

And first of all... Secondly, sorry.

Can you have two first of alls?

What are they gonna do? Go.

"A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker,

he's coming, he's fun, keeps it light,

said he operates blacked out."

They bring me up to the emergency ward

and out of nowhere pull my pants off.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes