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Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #6
- Year:
- 2018
- 24 Views
Walking around telling people what to do.
Looks fun! 'Customers waiting!'
I think I'd really get into that."
Once, my dad's car came through,
and he goes,"Kevin, run that guy's car
through again, it's filthy."
My dad goes, "That's OK."
He goes, "No, no, no."
Then me and my brothers did a bit all day
as the guy not taking no for an answer.
Even at that age we did bits.
The bit was, "No, it's OK."
He'd go, "No! You got a shitty Impala,
this is probably your only good day.
Let me f***ing wash it.
My name's out there!
Sure you don't care, look at you!
Your wife's probably not attractive.
Let me run it through again."
My dad would be, "OK, whatever."
There was a restaurant owner,
I thought for sure I could be him.
He'd walk around, he knew everybody.
I was impressed with that.
Ever been to a place where they do that?
"How you doing? Good to see you."
"I could do that." "Hey, you good?"
He didn't know much about everybody,
he'd walk fast.
"Good to see you.
Mom's OK Haha!"
They're like, "I don't know."
He goes, "Gotta run!"
"I don't... Maybe I mentioned a car
to this guy...
Maybe he has a better memory than me."
He'd always say hello to people.
One time, I was maybe 13,
but I remember this, so does my brother,
the owner of the restaurant got
the guy's name completely wrong.
He's like, "Hey, Bill."
The guy goes, "Actually, my name is..."
And he got out of it. Watch.
This guy did it. This is real, he did it.
When I do it,
you'll be like, "That works."
What's your name, sir?
Kale, that's a great name.
You should change yours to Kale.
I'll say, "How you doing, Bob?"
You'll say, "Actually, it's Kale." OK?
I'll walk through, "How ya doing, Bobby?"
"It's Kale."
Give me chance to say my line first,
then "It's Kale."
People f*** it up a lot.
-My name's Kale.
That's all right. Have fun.
Good to see ya. You good?
You good?
The guy was like, "Aw, I will have fun!"
How the hell did he just do that?
"Have fun." Put it on him.
Sometimes when you do stand up
you exaggerate the truth,
but I'm being genuine with you.
About five years ago,
I had a heart attack.
-Oh, I had a heart attack!
-That's not even bragging.
-Wow! Look at me.
-That's not bragging.
-My arteries got clogged.
I got thrown in an ambulance!
about five years ago.
I'm fine now, don't be upset.
It was after a show,
Sarah Silverman& Friends had a show,
After...
You'd do the show,
Sarah'd like to smoke pot.
She'd put a friend on as a headliner,
me, of course...
After the show, I didn't feel well,
I didn't know what it was.
I thought I'd run
around the audience too much doing bits.
thought it would pass.
I thought I'd smoked too much.
I'm a one-pot hit.
Doug Benson was there,
lot of other comedians.
it hit me five times, I was like, "Eh."
Finally, I said,
"I think I'm too high to go on."
Doug goes, "What was that like?"
You're like it all the time.
It's too high for me, not you.
He didn't understand,
he thought he'd never been too high.
I can't handle it. I need to pace myself.
I can't be high where I float in the air.
No matter how much pot I've ever smoked,
how much mushrooms I've done,
I still can't stop cleaning.
I don't know what it would take.
I'm gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin,
I'd still dry the sink out.
I'd be, you know... Have a...
I'd be fainting on the floor
like "Must dry sink" on heroin.
Finally, an ambulance comes,
and I don't want to get in the ambulance.
The paramedic's pretty smart, he goes,
"Why don't we just put you in
and save you a trip to the ER."
It worked. Got in.
Two minutes later, he goes,
"I don't want to alarm you,
but you're having a heart attack."
Firstly, that's alarming,
what else will they say or do?
"No, that's cool."
I'd blow a bubble or something,
Um...
As they go to shut the doors,
I have one of those moments,
I don't have them often,
but you get a moment where you look
at yourself like,
"Really, is this how I want
to continue this lie?"
Cos as they're shutting the doors,
I yell to Sarah, "Call my girlfriend!"
Uh-eh... Uh-eh...
Very, you know... Uh-eh...
Call my girlfriend. Like...
Later I asked if she knew what I meant
she said yeah.
I think from how you said it,
"Girlfriend", everyone knew.
You were like, "Girlfriend, right, Sarah?
My girlfriend!"
What was I afraid of? People going,
I think he like dudes."
So, I will tell you this,
I don't talk about it that much
cos some of the verbiage is hard for me
to maneuver,
I'm not crazy about the phrase,
"Coming out of the closet",
it seems a bit flamboyant for me.
Maybe,"Busting out of the shed"
would work a little better.
I'd feel cooler. Like...
But the um...
uh... thing where
was, first of all, I talked
about a guy I was with,
I'd always said girl,
never messed up on stage.
Nobody thought it was weird,
it shows relationships are relationships.
It's not up for debate. That seems cocky.
It's all the same. Proof of it.
I did a 15-year experiment
talking out a guy on stage
saying it was a girl.
Nobody went, "It doesn't sound like..."
All the couples, all sexes, were like,
"It's just like us! Haha!"
Well, I got news, fuckface!
For 15 years, seriously, "That's like us!
That is just like us!"
And that's my point. It's the same, right?
Sorry, I didn't meant to yell. Anyway...
Granted, I would've got caught out
if I told some stories, but I never did.
If I was like,
"So, I was talking to my girlfriend,
she was peeing next to me
in the bathroom...
She wanted to go eat..." People are like,
"How does she pee..."
And I think that, um...
Most friends said they figured out later,
some knew, some didn't care,
some said it was by my relationship
because you could tell...
I always hid behind...
Guys that are buddies
sometimes it's a joke,
"You seem like you're dating",
and they're just friends,
so I hid behind that.
I'd go, "No, you said if we did something
you wanted to do last week,
we could do something I wanted
this week, you promised!"
People are like,
"I think they're more than friends."
"I have a friend,
but we don't care that much."
Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but...
So.. Anyway...
They put me in the ambulance,
bring me to hospital.
we're in the E.R., a nurse comes,
"We have really good news,
one of our best surgeons just pulled in."
That's not good news.
And first of all... Secondly, sorry.
Can you have two first of alls?
What are they gonna do? Go.
"A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker,
he's coming, he's fun, keeps it light,
said he operates blacked out."
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"Todd Glass: Act Happy" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/todd_glass:_act_happy_22005>.
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