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Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #7
- Year:
- 2018
- 24 Views
I'm like, "What?" I know,
you're on so much medicine,
you'd think I'd go,
"You don't even realize.
You're out of it, you lay naked." No.
I remember going, "Oh, my God,
they're looking at my dick. It's there.
"It's laying there. I can't go like this.
OK, there's my dick.
"There's my dick. There's my dick!'"
I thought to myself,
"These are professional nurses,
they're desensitized to this."
You know what? My paranoia,
it could be a first day nurse,
like, "Wow, don't look,
I know it seems like they know."
Or guys can look at people's penises,
I'm very open-minded.
I shouldn't make the nurse the woman.
It was a guy and a girl.
Both staring at my cock.
My material is politically correct.
I'll be quick. Get ready to stop me.
Stop with everyone so PC.
It's just called kind, that's what it is.
Just get over it. Seriously.
Just think if you walk around
like, "Everyone's PC,"
It's not PC!
It's just f***ing kind.
Put a button on it.
So I want to talk
about my heart attack a bit more.
All I want to do is start hitting my penis
just to make it...
I don't know
if the doctor's unprofessional.
Maybe he's, "He has a small penis.
This guy may have a better life."
Not consciously, maybe unconsciously,
"This guy has a bigger dick,
we'll operate on him, then..."
So I hit it a little bit.
Let me tell you,
swimmer shrinkage is one thing,
heart attack dick is way worse.
Heart attack dick's like,
"Who's the nice young lady
we're operating on?"
These are some jokes I didn't get to,
I think we wrote something for it.
Here we go, guys.
These are the jokes he didn't get to
These are the jokes he didn't do
These are the jokes he didn't get to
These are the jokes he didn't do
Now, I really wish I had time
to get to these jokes,
but I don't, I'm on a time restraint.
This is funny, I'm going to jot it down
and work it into a bit, don't think your laughter means nothing.
I'll do it, just not in this special.
I was on a bus, and the driver goes,
"Any doctors on board? A lady's ill."
I said to my friend, "If you're a doctor
on a bus, is that the doctor you want?"
More of a... Know what I mean?
in the Super Show?
My wife has a few questions.
This is an idea, what I thought,
so you know,
there's something there,
I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this.
You know when the TSA pat you down?
Just go, "Oh, I came."
I don't know...
I was thinking
about opening up a massage parlor.
This is definitely something
I'll work on.
I was gonna open a massage parlor
with happy beginnings.
Maybe there's something.
If Cookie Monster loves cookies,
why do the cookies fall out?
should be the Cookie Monster.
Maybe he's a cookie liker. Anyway...
That's probably dated.
And then, uh...
This is something I wish I'd talked to,
I like doing this bit,
what if Rodney Dangerfield
"A guy asked me
I said 'No, I want a regular one later!'"
"I used to do drugs, I still do,
but I used to, too. You know?"
"I saw a sign, it said,
'Escalator broke.'"
"Shouldn't it say,
'Escalator temporarily stairs?'"
Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit,
but I don't, so...
Todd, we love that bit!
-Well, I don't have time for it.
-It's our favorite bit!
-It's our favorite bit, Todd!
-Come on!
It's the only reason we showed up.
I got one thing to say.
the acting isn't so great. Anyway...
I do want to know if there is a bit
I didn't do, yell it out, I'll do it.
OK, mumbling Rodney.
Now, mumbling Rodney is just...
Do you know
Roger Dangerfield was the first...
Roger Dangerfield was a comedian,
many don't know,
because Roger complained,
but didn't make it funny, he'd go,
"My son's not too smart,
he's doing bad in school." OK. but...
"My wife, I'm in a horrible relationship,
it's hard."
The audience was like,
"We feel bad for you."
"My wife's not a good cook,
we don't enjoy it."
He gets it, there's something there.
"My daughter's not too bright,it shows
when she talks with bad verbiage."
People'd be like,
"There's something there."
But Rodney figured how to make it funny,
"The other day there was this thing
with a penguin...
The other day I was walking around...
I tell you my daughter did this thing
with a muffler. You know?
I'll tell ya, my son sits
around the house with a shed...
My wife's not too great either with a...
Bada ho...
Huda ha!
Whoa. Hey!
Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!"
This is a professional show.
Well...
Wow, you people are nice!
Seriously nice, not just me saying.
What was that
Who was that?
That's not cos your phone went off.
No, no, no. Don't make me a bad guy.
Please don't make me a bad guy.
I know it hurts, next time
you'll remember to order prop bottles.
I sawWhiplash, hit them on the head
with a bottle or they don't learn.
Here's the thing, ever have something
where you think...
You've figured out the world's problems?
"That's what it all leads back to."
It's all about empathy.
I've figured it out.
We could move faster...
I'm being very serious, I'm passionate
about this, talk about it 24/7.
People come to my house, I talk about it.
I go, "Why talk about it?" They go,
"No matter what we talk about,
"That's like people saying
we should go back to how we were."
People go, "It isn't. I guess
he's segueing into his thought." Um...
It's always kids today.
if I don't be specific with might go,
"I don't do that."
A 25-year old here going, "No."
Let me take the tone out of my,
really try to stop it.
Many say, "Kids today..."
I know everyone wants to go...
They're brilliant, I'm not talking
about every kid.
The masses, you gotta admit, aren't...
It's not how it works.
It's not up for debate.
Blenders get better,
kids get smarter,
that's the way it is.
People go, "Kids today..."
If kids today had a Yelp review,
young adults, I should say,
it would be impeccable.
While they're doing things,
whatever they're fighting for,
people think it's up for debate,
40 years later we look back and go,
"They're right almost every f***ing time."
Next time there's young people
doing something you don't understand,
you don't have to do it, but listen.
Go, "They have an amazing Yelp review,
of being on the right side of history."
You know when people go, "Ah".
The reason you may not think it,
you see them on their phones
and go, "They're on their phones."
You don't hang out with young people,
so have a version of what they're like.
Here's an example.
Excuse me, I've had a few drinks.
You'd... Nobody...
The way you become prejudiced
to a group,
is there's none of those people
in your life.
Nobody goes,
"I'll have a hundred Jewish friends
and I hate Jewish people." No.
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"Todd Glass: Act Happy" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/todd_glass:_act_happy_22005>.
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