Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #7

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I'm like, "What?" I know,

you're on so much medicine,

you'd think I'd go,

"You don't even realize.

You're out of it, you lay naked." No.

I remember going, "Oh, my God,

I'm having a heart attack,

they're looking at my dick. It's there.

"It's laying there. I can't go like this.

OK, there's my dick.

"There's my dick. There's my dick!'"

I thought to myself,

"These are professional nurses,

they're desensitized to this."

You know what? My paranoia,

it could be a first day nurse,

like, "Wow, don't look,

I know it seems like they know."

Or guys can look at people's penises,

I'm very open-minded.

I shouldn't make the nurse the woman.

It was a guy and a girl.

Both staring at my cock.

My material is politically correct.

Can I say one thing about PC?

I'll be quick. Get ready to stop me.

Stop with everyone so PC.

It's just called kind, that's what it is.

Just get over it. Seriously.

Just think if you walk around

like, "Everyone's PC,"

It's not PC!

It's just f***ing kind.

Put a button on it.

So I want to talk

about my heart attack a bit more.

All I want to do is start hitting my penis

just to make it...

I don't know

if the doctor's unprofessional.

Maybe he's, "He has a small penis.

This guy may have a better life."

Not consciously, maybe unconsciously,

"This guy has a bigger dick,

we'll operate on him, then..."

So I hit it a little bit.

Let me tell you,

swimmer shrinkage is one thing,

heart attack dick is way worse.

Heart attack dick's like,

"Who's the nice young lady

we're operating on?"

These are some jokes I didn't get to,

I think we wrote something for it.

Here we go, guys.

These are the jokes he didn't get to

These are the jokes he didn't do

These are the jokes he didn't get to

These are the jokes he didn't do

Now, I really wish I had time

to get to these jokes,

but I don't, I'm on a time restraint.

This is funny, I'm going to jot it down

and work it into a bit, don't think your laughter means nothing.

I'll do it, just not in this special.

I was on a bus, and the driver goes,

"Any doctors on board? A lady's ill."

I said to my friend, "If you're a doctor

on a bus, is that the doctor you want?"

More of a... Know what I mean?

Is there a financial planner

in the Super Show?

My wife has a few questions.

This is an idea, what I thought,

so you know,

there's something there,

I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this.

You know when the TSA pat you down?

Just go, "Oh, I came."

I don't know...

I was thinking

about opening up a massage parlor.

This is definitely something

I'll work on.

I was gonna open a massage parlor

with happy beginnings.

Maybe there's something.

If Cookie Monster loves cookies,

why do the cookies fall out?

The person eating the cookies

should be the Cookie Monster.

Maybe he's a cookie liker. Anyway...

That's probably dated.

And then, uh...

This is something I wish I'd talked to,

I like doing this bit,

what if Rodney Dangerfield

did Mitch Hedberg jokes?

"A guy asked me

if I wanted a frozen banana,

I said 'No, I want a regular one later!'"

"I used to do drugs, I still do,

but I used to, too. You know?"

"I saw a sign, it said,

'Escalator broke.'"

"Shouldn't it say,

'Escalator temporarily stairs?'"

Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit,

but I don't, so...

Todd, we love that bit!

-Well, I don't have time for it.

-It's our favorite bit!

-It's our favorite bit, Todd!

-Come on!

It's the only reason we showed up.

I got one thing to say.

the acting isn't so great. Anyway...

I do want to know if there is a bit

I didn't do, yell it out, I'll do it.

OK, mumbling Rodney.

Now, mumbling Rodney is just...

Do you know

Roger Dangerfield was the first...

Roger Dangerfield was a comedian,

many don't know,

because Roger complained,

but didn't make it funny, he'd go,

"My son's not too smart,

he's doing bad in school." OK. but...

"My wife, I'm in a horrible relationship,

it's hard."

The audience was like,

"We feel bad for you."

"My wife's not a good cook,

we don't enjoy it."

He gets it, there's something there.

"My daughter's not too bright,it shows

when she talks with bad verbiage."

People'd be like,

"There's something there."

But Rodney figured how to make it funny,

"The other day there was this thing

with a penguin...

The other day I was walking around...

I tell you my daughter did this thing

with a muffler. You know?

I'll tell ya, my son sits

around the house with a shed...

My wife's not too great either with a...

Bada ho...

Huda ha!

Whoa. Hey!

Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!"

This is a professional show.

Well...

Wow, you people are nice!

Seriously nice, not just me saying.

What was that

Who was that?

That's not cos your phone went off.

No, no, no. Don't make me a bad guy.

Please don't make me a bad guy.

I know it hurts, next time

you'll remember to order prop bottles.

You gotta teach 'em.

I sawWhiplash, hit them on the head

with a bottle or they don't learn.

Here's the thing, ever have something

where you think...

You've figured out the world's problems?

"That's what it all leads back to."

It's all about empathy.

I've figured it out.

We could move faster...

I'm being very serious, I'm passionate

about this, talk about it 24/7.

People come to my house, I talk about it.

I go, "Why talk about it?" They go,

"No matter what we talk about,

you start talking about it."

"That's like people saying

we should go back to how we were."

People go, "It isn't. I guess

he's segueing into his thought." Um...

It's always kids today.

I know there are people that

if I don't be specific with might go,

"I don't do that."

A 25-year old here going, "No."

It starts stopping at 25.

Let me take the tone out of my,

really try to stop it.

Many say, "Kids today..."

I know everyone wants to go...

They're brilliant, I'm not talking

about every kid.

The masses, you gotta admit, aren't...

It's not how it works.

It's not up for debate.

Blenders get better,

kids get smarter,

that's the way it is.

People go, "Kids today..."

If kids today had a Yelp review,

young adults, I should say,

it would be impeccable.

While they're doing things,

whatever they're fighting for,

people think it's up for debate,

40 years later we look back and go,

"They're right almost every f***ing time."

Next time there's young people

doing something you don't understand,

you don't have to do it, but listen.

Go, "They have an amazing Yelp review,

of being on the right side of history."

You know when people go, "Ah".

The reason you may not think it,

you see them on their phones

and go, "They're on their phones."

You don't hang out with young people,

so have a version of what they're like.

Here's an example.

Excuse me, I've had a few drinks.

You'd... Nobody...

The way you become prejudiced

to a group,

is there's none of those people

in your life.

Nobody goes,

"I'll have a hundred Jewish friends

and I hate Jewish people." No.

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