Tom Segura: Mostly Stories

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1

I love being a stand-up comedian.

It's the best job in the world.

And I love being an L.A. comic.

Bam!

Alfred the assassin.

As a comic, what you're supposed to do

is live your life and report it.

Anytime I do

something nice for you,

- you sh*t on me!

- When is that?!

I love the whole process.

You have a little dick.

Writing. Performing.

Figuring out how to make a joke work.

It's the best.

But most of all,

I love meeting the people of this city.

- They always inspire me.

- Hey!

Tom Segura!

Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

You have to do it!

I love them.

They have nothing but admiration for me.

Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

I just know there's no stopping us.

Hey! Who this fat-ass n*gger right here?

What's up, fat boy?

- 'Sup?

- Making a food show, b*tch?

- No.

- You should.

Bam! 'Cause you fat as f***!

This fat motherf***er right here, man.

- You got pancake titties.

- You do!

F*** this city.

I'm re-shooting this thing.

Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

This fat motherf***er, man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!

What up?

Thank you! Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

It's great to be in Seattle.

Yes.

One of my favorite places,

and I am f***ing falling apart.

All right, um...

I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

Like, all my social interactions,

I'm disintegrating into somebody

I want to punch in the mouth.

Like, I start weather chats

with people all the time now,

like, ugh.

I got off the plane here, and the guy

that picks me up at the airport,

I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

And I swear,

there's another voice in my head going,

"You're a piece of sh*t

for this conversation."

What's the guy supposed to say?

He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

"...it does.

And you're a real piece of sh*t for this,

just so you know."

I wanted to abort,

I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

Like, "I'm from Southern California,

we sure could use it."

And he was like,

"I'll run us off the f***ing road.

I'll kill us both,

I swear to God I will."

God forbid I meet

a tall person now, like...

If you're over six-four,

there's no way I'm not addressing it.

I'm gonna be like,

"Wow, you're tall."

"Do you like basketball?

Yeah? Is that your thing?

I have a friend that's tall."

Dude, you just told a grown man

you have a f***ing friend that's tall.

Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?

I bet he's stronger than your dad."

Ugh.

It's better than

my dad's actual small talk,

which is awkwardly racial small talk.

It's not racist, but it involves race.

Um...

Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know,

the server walks up and she's Asian.

My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"

And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

And I'm like...

"What are you doing?"

"What? I was." "I know.

What does that have to do with anything?"

Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them

when I left, if you know what I mean."

I'm like, "Oh, man."

Well...

"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes,

we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

Dude, if he meets a black guy,

shut it the f*** down, okay?

'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

Dude, I see it. A black guy starts

talking to us and my dad'll be like...

I can see it in his eyes,

like a clock's ticking down.

And I'm like, "How weird are you

about to be with him?"

He looks like a dog, when you show a dog

a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

And the dog's like...

"I work with a black guy!"

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, man.

"Yeah, Carl.

You know him? I don't know...

Thought you knew each other.

I don't know.

I don't know him.

He works in the building."

You're like, "F***."

Jesus.

Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.

Isn't that crazy?

I know. Well...

You know, not my f***ing problem.

You know what I mean? Um...

That's your kid. So...

No, I'm gonna stick around.

I wanna see what it looks and stuff.

Just for a second. But...

So crazy, man.

All I did was, I didn't pull out.

And then...

Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.

Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do

is you dump inside of a girl and then...

there's life? That's a pretty crude way

of putting that. I'm sorry. But...

that's what happens.

Let's just talk about how good

that feels. I...

Dude, I've been pulling out for years.

And no comp... No orgasm...

You don't have an org...

and you're like, "Oh, that sucks."

Like, it's still...

It feels great.

But when you leave it in?

Dude.

Here's all I'm saying.

If you're a pull-out guy,

next time? Don't.

Even if she tells you to.

Be like, "I forgot."

And she'll whine about it.

"What if I'm pregnant?

My career!"

And you'll be like,

"Is law school on hold? All right.

Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."

Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.

Joke.

I'm not joking. But...

God, it feels so good!

I can't even... I can't even describe

how much better it feels.

The best I've come up with is,

remember when you were a kid,

and the first time you tried

something with melted cheese,

and you were like, "What the f***?"

"This is the same thing?"

And they're like, "Same sh*t."

And you're like, "This is amazing!

I can have this whenever I want?"

"Mm-hm. Whenever you want.

Just eight, ten seconds

and it's your world, man."

You're like, "Oh, my God!"

It's like that, but down here.

Feels so good.

Ohh. Here's what a piece of sh*t I am.

I...

I have been fantasizing a lot

about people asking me

how I lost the weight

that I haven't lost yet.

And, like, I just have so many answers.

Like, I really enjoy doing...

In my head, I'm like,

"Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."

"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.

I mean, drink more water.

Look at me, I've never felt better.

I have so much energy.

If I can do it, you can do it."

And then I eat chocolate souffl,

as I have...

Like, "Well, next year I'll probably

be ready for this conversation."

F***ing a**hole.

I don't even want to, like, lose weight

to live long or be healthy.

I don't. I just want to be able

to make fun of fat people again.

And know for sure

that they're fatter than me.

'Cause, like, sometimes...

Now I'm like anybody,

I'll be like, "Look at this

fat f***ing a**hole."

And someone'll be like,

"You're fatter."

And I'm like, "Oh. Really?"

And they're like, "By a lot!"

"You should want his body."

And I'm like, "Ah, f***, man."

Since I'm gonna have a kid,

I don't want to be the fat dad.

Remember when we were

in elementary school, in like fifth grade?

You're like, "Hey,

look at Billy's fat f***in' dad."

"F***in'..."

"Just f***in' batter him up tonight

and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

Just don't want to be that guy.

I got a trainer.

They gave me a trainer.

That's a better way of saying that.

I joined a gym, and they go,

"Do you want a free training session?"

I was like, "Okay.

What does it normally cost?"

And they're like, "Like $900."

I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal.

That's awesome."

The first session is a bait session.

It's ridiculous.

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