Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #2

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The guy's like, "Stand up."

Like, "Okay." He's like,

"Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."

"Were you pro before?"

I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."

He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle

fibers look really great." I'm like...

He's like, "Want to do this all the time?"

I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.

This is a good boost for me.

I like this a lot."

Second session, way different

than the first session.

Second session, I'm doing burpies.

Like, you jump on the ground

then you jump onto a wooden block.

I'm running through sand pushing a sled.

"And I go, is this SEAL school?

What are we doing right now?"

In the middle of this workout,

my trainer goes "Stop!"

And I said, "Thank you."

He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"

And I go, "Yeah, so you don't

have to give me CPR, I think."

And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."

"What?"

And he goes, "The Holy Spirit

told me to tell you to stop."

And I go...

"What...

did I sign up for? What the f*** is this?"

And he goes,

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

And I said, "Is He gonna

make me do push-ups?"

And that right there,

he got really mad at that. Like...

really upset.

He was like, "It's not all jokes!"

"I said one thing.

I can't say one thing? All right."

And he tells me to take the big plate,

the 45-pound plate.

"Hold it over your head

and run down to the pier and back."

And the pier's, like,

three-quarters of a mile.

And I go, "Nope."

"Not doing that."

He's like, "You're quitting?

You're quitting on me?"

And I go, "No,

I'm not quitting, it's just that...

the Holy Spirit..."

"...it talks to me, too.

And it said there's no way

I'm gonna make this run

without throwing up

and people laughing at me.

So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter

protein shake. I'm out, man."

And I took off.

I'm not doing that sh*t.

I'm not making fun of you

if you're religious.

I think that's great. Any faith.

Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...

If you're a Scientologist,

you can go f*** yourself. But...

Yeah.

Because it's not old.

It's gotta be old.

It's fair to say there's some times

I don't want to hear about it.

You know? Like working out?

Um... Getting high.

That's a bummer.

Right? Like, when there's

pills and cash and tits out and...

someone's like, "Have you thought

about accepting the Lord into your life?"

And you're like,

"I'm trying to make bad decisions.

Why are you doing this to me?"

That and pre-sex.

That is the worst.

During sex, as-salamu alaykum.

Anything goes. But...

Pre-sex? Like, right before,

and the girl's like,

"Oh! What if God's watching us?"

And you're like, "What?!"

"'What if God is watching us?'

Of course He's watching us!

He sees everything and this is

hands-down His favorite sh*t!"

Yeah.

"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle

in there and let's give Him a show!"

Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...

let's be clear about this, guys.

We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?

But we should agree on this.

If you bring a baby

into a movie theater,

you're a piece of sh*t.

Yup.

If your reason for doing it

is you couldn't get a babysitter,

well, then,

you don't get to go to the movies.

That's how that works.

It happened to me in back-to-back movies,

which statistically

I did not think was possible.

First movie, I'm in there five minutes.

I'm watching the movie and I hear,

"Waaah."

"What?"

I turn,

and in the row behind me

there's a mother, a father and a baby.

Not a child,

which I think is an important distinction.

It's a baby. I'm like, "All right,

these people are insane. Um...

I'll just ignore this."

Turn back, 30 seconds later,

"Waah."

I'm like,

"Well, now I have to say something."

Now...

I'm polite.

So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,

are you stabbing your baby right now?"

"'Cause it sounds like it."

- And the dad goes...

- "No, I love the baby."

You picture him, okay?

"I love him. Pero...

no.

It's my baby."

And I said, "Well, could you?

'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."

"And...

your baby's ruining it."

He's like, "No, no puedo." So...

I get up, I go to the lobby,

I see the manager

of the theater and I go, "Hey!

There's a f***ing baby in there...

being a baby right now."

And the manager goes,

"Some people suck."

And he walked away.

That is the best customer service line

I've ever heard in my life.

Hands down.

You can't even get mad!

If you're in a restaurant,

been waiting on your food, like,

"Where the f*** is my food?

I've been here half an hour!"

And the manager's like,

"Some people suck." Like,

"Oh yeah. Some people suck.

I didn't think about it. My bad.

Sorry about that."

I left. I left.

The next day, I go back to the movies.

I should point out I saw

a different movie.

It was also a different baby.

It's not the same family

standing out front

and then they see me and they're like,

"Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...

and ruin this for him again."

This time I am way further into the movie.

I'm emotionally invested in this movie.

I like the movie.

And then, out of nowhere, I hear,

"Waah."

This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,

"Nuh-uh."

And now, other people get involved.

You know when you can hear

somebody's age in their voice?

Like, I can't see sh*t.

It's a dark theater.

I just hear a guy go,

"Either make it quiet or get it out!"

That guy's 140 years old!

Like, I could hear

that he'd never hugged his children.

I could hear it in his voice.

This time,

the mother of the baby goes,

"Shut up."

And I was like, "Oh sh*t!" Like...

"We have a situation."

And then a third person goes, "Shh."

What are you doing?

"Shush" is passive-aggressive.

She said, "Shut up."

Just go straight to "f*** you!"

What are you doing?

But now... I wanted to be

the hero and save the movie.

I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.

Like, all these movies

are being ruined by babies, but...

I didn't realize I was too angry

in that moment to um, what is it?

Speak English words in a sentence.

You know when you get real rage,

like...

Like, just...

"Dude..."

Like...

Like, you feel it,

your throat dries out, and... aah!

So I stood up in the theater

with the best intentions and I went...

"Why is everybody

not in the adult movie?!"

Like none of it made sense.

Everybody's like, "Who's that f***ing guy?

What's his problem?"

I was...

I was trying to say,

"Let's be civilized adults."

But instead I went "adult movie."

"Porn's on now.

Cover your baby's eyes."

The next thing,

I see a white T-shirt pop up

and I'm like,

"Well, there's the dad."

Some of you got it. And...

He looked around, like,

"Who's talking sh*t?"

And I was like, "I'm talking sh*t, b*tch."

I didn't say it,

but he knew what was up. But then...

I went out the exit immediately

cause I'm not getting my ass kicked

over The Lego Movie, so I left.

You guys,

are you ever just

tired of being alive?

Know what I mean? Like...

I'm not suicidal.

I just feel like I've done a lot

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