Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #3

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and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,

"Let's wrap this sh*t up. Like..."

Right? Like, how many

f***ing days are there?

I want to skip a grade. Remember...

elementary school, and you get

to the first day of,

whatever, third grade,

and you're like, "Where's Brian?"

They're like, "He skipped."

"Excuse me? How?"

They're like, "He can add like

a motherf***er. I don't know. He just...

Four, eight, twelve. He gets it."

And then you go, "I want to skip."

And they're like...

"Don't even think about that.

Think about other sh*t."

I'd love to skip in real life.

That would be the best program,

if they were like,

"If you kill it this year,

you have the best year,

at the end of the year, a magical fairy

or government official

will come to your house...

and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"

And you're like, "I know."

Then they're like, "Now you can skip

as many years as you want."

I'd be like, "What the f***?!

Really?" "Mm-hmm.

How many do you want to skip?"

"Thirty?"

Just land at retirement.

I don't wanna live

much longer than that anyways.

Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?

Seventy so I can be "officially old"

and experience old guy stuff,

like people talking to me like I'm a pet,

and, um...

You ever see that? When they're like,

"Hey, hey. How you doing?

You're so good.

Would you like me to get you anything?"

Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl.

What the f*** is this sh*t?" Like...

But I don't want

to live much longer than that.

I mean, I hear people in conversation go,

"I want to live to be a hundred."

Really?

Have you seen 80?

I mean,

my dad has a friend that's 87.

He looks like a goblin. Okay?

He is terrifying to look at.

And he knows it.

He's like, "I'm coming around the corner.

Don't look at me." He knows it.

It's scary.

Here's how much it sucks to be that old.

When he was 84,

he stopped taking his heart medication.

And I go, "Why did you do that?"

And he goes, "I don't want to be here."

If you see him now,

you're like, "How you doing?"

"Unfortunately, alive."

"But He won't take me."

The only thing I have

going for me with that old stuff

is that I will be the best old guy.

I already know it.

Like, I have their personality.

I'm anti-social as sh*t.

I don't want to do anything. Like...

whenever anybody says to me, "Hey, man.

Do you wanna go check out the..."

I go, "No to the rest of your sentence.

Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."

I don't want to meet new people.

Not one more, as long as I live,

for the rest of my life.

That's the same as old people.

Try it if you want.

Be like, "Hey, Grandpa!

I want you to meet Steve."

And he'll go, "F*** Steve."

"I know everybody I need to know.

Gonna watch my shows."

Know what I really want?

I want to be that old...

I don't know if it's an age,

it's just a way of being old.

There's a certain level of old

where you get yelled at

for trying to be helpful.

That looks awesome.

Know what I mean? When an old guy's like,

"I'm gonna take out the trash."

And someone's like,

"Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Your spine'll snap. Sit down!"

"Okay."

"I tried. I'm sorry."

That looks amazing.

I really want that old guy confidence

that I see...

in the locker room.

Yeah. That's another thing.

Dude. Another thing I've noticed

since joining the gym,

there's two types of guys:

Guys that are 65 and older,

and then guys that cover their d*cks.

Because old guys...

do not.

It's crazy!

The first few days,

I thought it was peacocking.

Like showing off, you know?

'Cause I saw some f***ing hammers

where you walk in

and you're like, "Whoa, yeah!"

"I wouldn't wear pants either.

Nice work, pal."

But then, like the third day,

I saw a guy,

he had just like the cutest little thing.

And he was just like

all on the...

He was like,

"Oil prices are crazy right now."

I'm like, "Dude, you have a little grain

of rice. You don't give a sh*t?"

He didn't. He didn't care.

I want that confidence.

I don't even know how it's attainable.

Like, if I know anyone's gonna see it,

I'm gonna... you know?

Give it a smack.

And then you go, "Huh. There's an inch."

Let's not act like I'm the only

self-fluffer in the room, okay?

Dude.

Ladies, if you've ever

received a dick-pic before, um,

here's some secret intel:

That's not the first shot.

Pretty much goes like this: Click.

"F*** that." And then...

"Oh, yeah, that's me.

That's all me right there. That's me."

God, sweating my f***ing balls off.

Like a preacher. Amen.

All right. So...

Ha!

This is a very... I think this...

Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot

of good-looking girls in this town. Um...

I noticed, stylistically,

I feel like a lot of girls here

have nose rings,

and I have to tell you, I f***ing dig it.

Yeah.

I like a girl with a nose ring.

I think it says something.

I think it says,

"I have other piercings, and..."

"...you can see them."

"As soon as I get this hemp bra off."

But...

Eyebrow ring, that's another level.

That is a statement.

And that statement is:

"Fisting is my first base."

Like, those chicks

are f***in' down. Am I right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Some of you... No?

I'm seeing disappointment

in some people's faces, for sure.

Yeah. Some people are like, "Mm-mm."

"Didn't sign up for this sh*t. No, sir."

And the rest of you are like,

"But... But, Tom!

What about tongue rings?

What about tongue rings, Tom?"

What about them?!

Tools of the trade.

Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush?

Who is Beethoven without his piano?

That girl has a tongue ring 'cause

her mouth is a homing device for c*cks!

You leave her alone!

Or just show her your dick.

There's a pretty good chance

she's gonna lap that sh*t up.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Don't get upset.

It's silly. It's a silly joke.

Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig.

I think women should judge men

equally and harshly.

You know what never fails?

Judge men based on what they drive.

Ladies...

if a guy picks you up

in a minivan,

he is telling you,

"Why have sex when we can collect

all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?"

Full-size van. Whoa.

That's more like,

"You wanna go out?

Well, you're coming."

Kidnapping joke, yeah?

Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up

in a Honda and it's lowered,

real low, low... to the ground...

and there's some

cool blue lights underneath it,

that says, "When we get

to this restaurant, get whatever you want.

My mom's got this.

Don't worry about it. I got it. Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!"

Oh, man.

I was in, uh, London...

Canada.

Um, they have one.

And...

Doesn't that kinda bother you?

A little bit?

When a barely city is like,

"Let's name it after an awesome city."

And they have the nerve to ask you,

"How do you like London?"

"The real one, or this turd

you put in a dress? Because..."

Like, the f***ing balls

on Paris, Tennessee,

to name their city Paris?

And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?

Like you're gonna walk around confused,

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