Tomcats

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Is this such a good idea?

Is marriage a good idea?

Because marriage is huge.

I am having trouble breathing.

I am having trouble catching my breath.

- Would you relax?

- How could I possibly relax!?

Because it's my wedding.

That's Max. Only 19 years old...

...and is getting married to

the only girl he's ever had sex with.

That day l promised myself,

I'd stay single forever.

Gimshins.

Granted, Kimberly was gorgeous.

- What's the hold-up?

- Your groom isn't quite out yet.

Well, fix it, Daddy!

l guess Max didn't see her

quite the way l did.

Make him behave!

It will be perfect. I promise.

Kimberly's father helped invent

a very special pill.

Now, Viagra beat him to the market,

but his pill was just as good.

It could turn this...

...into this.

There's enough to give

an elephant a boner.

You are so bad.

Your own sister's wedding?

Please. She's gonna love it.

I'LL put it on the gift table.

They'll take it on the honeymoon.

He'll have a three-day boner.

I love the smell of bridesmaids

in the morning.

My best friend, Kyle.

lf this is your average brain...

...this is Kyle's brain.

Anyway, the wedding was about to get

especially hard.

I propose a toast. Ah, yes. To Max!

First tomcat to take the plunge.

Thanks, guys.

May it never happen to us!

There you go, buddy.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

This is the best wine ever.

What the hell is going on?

Everybody's waiting out there.

What is up with you?

Holy Mary...

...Mother of God.

You boys must really like weddings.

Get out there. Everybody's waiting.

Don't move.

Here we go, here we go.

You may all be seated.

- Turn around.

- We can't.

Here we go.

Don't they look handsome

in their tuxedos?

I cannot believe that Max actually

went through with it.

It's a goddamn shame.

I am hereby dedicating myself to

a life as a professional tomcat.

Professional tomcat, right on.

Yeah, man. Forget marriage.

I'll nail every woman

on the planet.

Every one?

Except my mother and grandmother.

First of all, your mom is hot.

Secondly, you realize there are...

...two and a half billion females

on Earth.

- Are you saying it can't be done?

- No. But we got to divide them up.

Deal.

I'LL never get married. Ever.

You're almost married as it is.

Kelly runs your life.

She does not!

You've got five minutes.

Thank you.

You'll be the next to go.

Please. We all know who'll be next.

Steve dog!

I don't even have a girlfriend.

You're going down, buddy.

What? Why?

Because, like Max, the first girl that

lets you get with her, you'll marry.

You want to bet?

Actually bet? Really bet for money?

Yeah. Let's say the last single man

gets a thousand bucks...

...from the rest of you who end up

getting married.

Six grand's a lot of money.

No, no. If we're going to do this,

we do it right. Okay?

Each of us puts two hundred dollars

a year away in savings.

No, no, no. High-yield mutual fund.

All right, the last man standing at

the end, gets the whole pot.

I'm talking 1 0, 20 grand!

That's a lot of money.

Yeah. And you're out if you go gay,

Gary.

Hey, blow me.

ALL right, Gary's out.

I'm in. Tomcats' bet.

Let's get in here.

Come on, get in here!

I'm going to invest some money, okay?

Tomcats! Tomcats!

You guys are going to pay me so bad!

I don't ever want to get married.

I don't!

I do.

By the power vested in me...

...by Allah and the state of

Nevada...

...I now pronounce you...

...husband and...

...wife, my friends.

Okay, love her tender.

love her tenders. Please.

Rock the jailhouse.

Every single woman, come to the centre

of the aisle...

...so you can catch the flower

bouquets....

- All the single ladies.

- Where are you going?

- Let's go, please.

- Sit down.

Thank you very much.

You went down, my man!

Down like a 2-dollar hooker!

Boom! You're out! You suck!

Tricia's great, though.

No, I'll tell you who's great.

Jan here is great.

What's our bachelor pool up to now?

As of Friday, about 475.

Man, that's half a million bucks!

Can our man Jan pick IPOs or what?

I'm wet. I'm, like, wet.

Don't you sometimes wish you

could f*** money?

Weddings bring out

the romantic in you, Kyle.

Kyle, don't you have enough money

already?

You can never have enough money.

And you're a fag for saying that.

- No offense, Gary.

- Hey, blow me.

Looks like it's just you and me now,

buddy.

And I'm not the one bringing chicks

who catch bouquets.

I can't believe we're

doing this again.

How many times can we do it?

- You're going down.

- You're unquenchable. I'll pass out.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

You lose.

- Take off your pants.

- Oh, no. I Lose again!

Oh, God, I hate losing.

Hurry, before he says it again.

No, no, no. No more drinking.

No more drinking. You win.

You win.

I win? Oh, yeah?

Well, good. Then I'm collecting.

Come on. I want to be dangerous.

Where we going?

Where are we going?

Say it, Michael.

Say it?

I won't do it unless you say it.

I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of

trouble concentrating here.

What is it exactly you want me to say?

You know.

Those three...

...Little...

...words.

Those three Little words.

Those three Little words.

Hold on a minute.

What? What's wrong?

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to

ask you to leave.

Why are you acting like this?

- You are the one who's rushing things.

- Rushing what?

Shelby, I Like you. I Like you a lot.

But things are just moving

a Little too fast.

I'm just not ready to say,

"I love you".

What makes you think I

want you to say, "I love you"?

Oh, come on. Back there.

You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't

say those three Little words.

You colossal moron.

"Suck...my...cock".

Suck my cock. Suck my cock!

Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock!

Suck my cock! Suck my cock.

That was great. You put your shoes

out on the pillow like this. Great.

- Sorry.

- Jerk.

I'll catch you later.

What's going on? Who you looking for?

Shelby. She's probably halfway back

to L.A. by now.

Oh, boy. What'd you do now?

It's weird.

I thought she wanted me to say,

"I love you". I wouldn't lie to get sex.

- You know another way?

- I know. I'm an idiot.

Don't worry, buddy.

You're at the Hard Rock.

I mean, this place rocks hard.

There's like a million women here.

I cannot believe you and Trish got

married, Steve.

Aren't you terrified?

Let me ask you a question:

If you could sleep with any woman,

who would it be?

Is this hypothetical?

Because my birthday's soon.

Any woman. Hypothetical.

Fictional?

- Not Judy Jetson.

- Well, then, I'm out.

Who's yours?

Truth?

Tricia.

If I could f*** any woman in the whole

world, it'd be her.

That's why I married her.

I'm glad you didn't write

your own vows.

Trish and I have this deep connection,

you know?

She understands what I'm feeling

without my having to tell her.

It's like I found this huge spiritual

side to myself that...

...I didn't even know existed.

Last week I had sex with twins.

Okay, you win.

Oh, can I get a Heineken?

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