Tomcats
Is this such a good idea?
Is marriage a good idea?
Because marriage is huge.
I am having trouble breathing.
I am having trouble catching my breath.
- Would you relax?
- How could I possibly relax!?
Because it's my wedding.
That's Max. Only 19 years old...
the only girl he's ever had sex with.
That day l promised myself,
I'd stay single forever.
Gimshins.
Granted, Kimberly was gorgeous.
- What's the hold-up?
- Your groom isn't quite out yet.
Well, fix it, Daddy!
l guess Max didn't see her
quite the way l did.
Make him behave!
It will be perfect. I promise.
Kimberly's father helped invent
a very special pill.
Now, Viagra beat him to the market,
but his pill was just as good.
It could turn this...
...into this.
There's enough to give
an elephant a boner.
You are so bad.
Your own sister's wedding?
Please. She's gonna love it.
I'LL put it on the gift table.
They'll take it on the honeymoon.
He'll have a three-day boner.
I love the smell of bridesmaids
in the morning.
My best friend, Kyle.
lf this is your average brain...
...this is Kyle's brain.
Anyway, the wedding was about to get
especially hard.
I propose a toast. Ah, yes. To Max!
First tomcat to take the plunge.
Thanks, guys.
There you go, buddy.
Dude.
Dude.
Dude.
This is the best wine ever.
What the hell is going on?
Everybody's waiting out there.
What is up with you?
Holy Mary...
...Mother of God.
You boys must really like weddings.
Get out there. Everybody's waiting.
Don't move.
Here we go, here we go.
You may all be seated.
- Turn around.
- We can't.
Here we go.
Don't they look handsome
in their tuxedos?
I cannot believe that Max actually
went through with it.
It's a goddamn shame.
I am hereby dedicating myself to
a life as a professional tomcat.
Professional tomcat, right on.
Yeah, man. Forget marriage.
I'll nail every woman
on the planet.
Every one?
Except my mother and grandmother.
First of all, your mom is hot.
Secondly, you realize there are...
...two and a half billion females
on Earth.
- Are you saying it can't be done?
- No. But we got to divide them up.
Deal.
I'LL never get married. Ever.
You're almost married as it is.
Kelly runs your life.
She does not!
You've got five minutes.
Thank you.
You'll be the next to go.
Please. We all know who'll be next.
Steve dog!
I don't even have a girlfriend.
You're going down, buddy.
What? Why?
Because, like Max, the first girl that
lets you get with her, you'll marry.
You want to bet?
Actually bet? Really bet for money?
Yeah. Let's say the last single man
gets a thousand bucks...
...from the rest of you who end up
getting married.
Six grand's a lot of money.
No, no. If we're going to do this,
we do it right. Okay?
Each of us puts two hundred dollars
a year away in savings.
No, no, no. High-yield mutual fund.
All right, the last man standing at
the end, gets the whole pot.
I'm talking 1 0, 20 grand!
That's a lot of money.
Yeah. And you're out if you go gay,
Gary.
Hey, blow me.
ALL right, Gary's out.
I'm in. Tomcats' bet.
Let's get in here.
Come on, get in here!
I'm going to invest some money, okay?
Tomcats! Tomcats!
You guys are going to pay me so bad!
I don't ever want to get married.
I don't!
I do.
Nevada...
...I now pronounce you...
...husband and...
...wife, my friends.
Okay, love her tender.
love her tenders. Please.
Rock the jailhouse.
Every single woman, come to the centre
of the aisle...
...so you can catch the flower
bouquets....
- All the single ladies.
- Where are you going?
- Let's go, please.
- Sit down.
Thank you very much.
You went down, my man!
Down like a 2-dollar hooker!
Boom! You're out! You suck!
Tricia's great, though.
No, I'll tell you who's great.
Jan here is great.
What's our bachelor pool up to now?
As of Friday, about 475.
Man, that's half a million bucks!
Can our man Jan pick IPOs or what?
I'm wet. I'm, like, wet.
Don't you sometimes wish you
could f*** money?
Weddings bring out
the romantic in you, Kyle.
Kyle, don't you have enough money
already?
You can never have enough money.
And you're a fag for saying that.
- No offense, Gary.
- Hey, blow me.
Looks like it's just you and me now,
buddy.
And I'm not the one bringing chicks
who catch bouquets.
I can't believe we're
doing this again.
How many times can we do it?
- You're going down.
- You're unquenchable. I'll pass out.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
You lose.
- Take off your pants.
- Oh, no. I Lose again!
Oh, God, I hate losing.
Hurry, before he says it again.
No, no, no. No more drinking.
No more drinking. You win.
You win.
I win? Oh, yeah?
Well, good. Then I'm collecting.
Come on. I want to be dangerous.
Where we going?
Where are we going?
Say it, Michael.
Say it?
I won't do it unless you say it.
I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of
trouble concentrating here.
What is it exactly you want me to say?
You know.
Those three...
...Little...
...words.
Hold on a minute.
What? What's wrong?
I'm sorry. I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
Why are you acting like this?
- You are the one who's rushing things.
- Rushing what?
Shelby, I Like you. I Like you a lot.
But things are just moving
a Little too fast.
I'm just not ready to say,
"I love you".
want you to say, "I love you"?
Oh, come on. Back there.
You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't
You colossal moron.
"Suck...my...cock".
Suck my cock. Suck my cock!
Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock!
Suck my cock! Suck my cock.
That was great. You put your shoes
out on the pillow like this. Great.
- Sorry.
- Jerk.
I'll catch you later.
What's going on? Who you looking for?
Shelby. She's probably halfway back
to L.A. by now.
Oh, boy. What'd you do now?
It's weird.
I thought she wanted me to say,
"I love you". I wouldn't lie to get sex.
- You know another way?
- I know. I'm an idiot.
Don't worry, buddy.
You're at the Hard Rock.
I mean, this place rocks hard.
There's like a million women here.
I cannot believe you and Trish got
married, Steve.
Aren't you terrified?
Let me ask you a question:
If you could sleep with any woman,
who would it be?
Is this hypothetical?
Because my birthday's soon.
Any woman. Hypothetical.
Fictional?
- Not Judy Jetson.
- Well, then, I'm out.
Who's yours?
Truth?
Tricia.
If I could f*** any woman in the whole
world, it'd be her.
That's why I married her.
I'm glad you didn't write
your own vows.
Trish and I have this deep connection,
you know?
She understands what I'm feeling
without my having to tell her.
It's like I found this huge spiritual
side to myself that...
...I didn't even know existed.
Last week I had sex with twins.
Okay, you win.
Oh, can I get a Heineken?
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"Tomcats" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tomcats_22051>.
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